Day 4: I WANT TO DIE. I’m fuckin’ losing it. I don’t…time is…is…it doesn’t seem to make sense, emotions are…doesn’t seem to make sense. I had an active argument with my penis today. …oh fuck, look at the size of that spider on the wall! It better be there, or else I’m withdrawing much harder than I thought. I’m in the fucking garage, it’s 11:… [sighs] Ughh, man, I can’t take this shit. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing – why am I not doing this? Why does it have to be bad for me? Why can’t I just inject this shit? The only reason I’m not doing nicotine is because I don’t want my mouth to turn into a fuckin’ sewer of cancer and pus. Fuckin’ snus – it can’t be good, and I think the nicotine gum and the lozenges fucked up my gums. I would so be on it right now! I already feel myself…I just put on 13 pounds sitting here. And I’m fuckin’ going out of my mind, I can’t manage my brain, I did some comedy but I was very erratic and raw and fucked up. I’m feeling myself trying to talk myself into just doing the nicotine, but it doesn’t make me feel good. “Why not do the patch? Just to maintain…” But why do I need something to maintain? At some point my levels have got to fuckin’… [sighs] I’ve gotta level off.
This is the fourth day in, I’m drinking a lot of coffee, I’m doing anything I can to make myself feel better, but this is bad. It’s bad. I’ve got a whole tin of snus just sitting in the fuckin’ fridge – I could just put one in my mouth and end this misery…to enter a new misery, or the old misery. Why don’t I just smoke cigarettes? I don’t…this is uncomfortable, man. I’m not sure that my baseline is good. Like, I’m not sure that if I get rid of everything that I’ll fuckin’… I might not be cut out for this shit, this not-being-medicated-somehow. I mean, I’ve been sober a long time but this is clearly a mindfucker, this one. I mean I’m not, you know, I’m not sweating, but I’m pretty crazy. I just always feel like “How about now? Can we do a little now? How about now? What about now? Can we have some? How about now? We just did the podcast – come on, can we have a little? Well just have a gum or something. Come on, we just ate. Come on dude, we just ate. Can we have a little? Come on man.” That’s what my monkey sounds like: “Dude dude dude dude dude dude, come on. Just a tip, it’s just a little bit, come on just have a little, come on man it’ll relax us, come on just have a little, come on just have one, it’ll be good, you can have a few but just don’t go crazy, right? Don’t go crazy, maybe one a day, one a day!” I’ve never had anything for one a day.
I hear drumming in the distance. Do you guys hear that? I have drumming in the distance. Are my levels okay? Am I not talking loud enough? See, I can’t even talk like I used to, I’m fluctuating. Everything’s fluctuating with this no-nicotine shit! Oh my God, I’m fucking gonna eat some ice cream and then I’ll be having sex…a lot. But that won’t fill the hole. Nothing’s gonna fill the hole except for…the hole itself. [pauses] Nothing’s going to fill the hole except the hole itself. Fuck you, Buddha. Fuck you, and fuck this shit. I should just…I’m gonna go have some snus. Don’t do it! “Come on dude, just a taste…just a little bit, just that one, really! Just that one!!” Shut up, shut it! …oh God.
Animations by Kyle Strope.