You’ll Love This Home That I Definitely Haven’t Been Living In, by Henry Johnson

So good to see you, Mr. and Mrs. Henderson! Don’t worry, you’re not late at all! I also just arrived. Yes, I haven’t been here long. I’m glad you were able to find the place without a “For Sale” sign in the yard. We just think the home looks homier without one, and the former residents would presumably agree. Since you ask, they’re already living in their new place. They left this house wide open—can you believe that? Let’s start with the showing.

As you can see, the house already has a lived-in warmth. That always strikes me when I come here to check on things, which isn’t that often. The house is an example of Queen Anne-style architecture. That’s important to some homeowners. Others—well, others simply live wherever they can!

This is the kitchen, which I assume is great even though the outlets look a bit spotty. That smell? Uh, let me check the oven. Ah yes, a frozen pizza in the oven. Just an old realtor’s trick to make the house feel like a home! Let’s move on to another room that is not this room.

This is the first bedroom, which is great for a child. The previous homeowners are still in the process of moving out, which is why there are some clothes on the floor, plates by the dresser, and a living boy in the corner by the TV. Don’t worry about him, he’s just playing video games even though his mother probably told him to get out of the house for a while because people would be looking around today.

Speaking of sons but not this particular bad one, you guys have a little nipper on the way soon, right? Oh, I didn’t know that. Do you have some photos of him? He looks just like his mother! Right, that’s what I mean—his biological mother. Let’s check out the master bedroom.

Pretty neat skylight, wouldn’t you say? No, I’m not sure why there’s a cot over there. If I had to guess, I’d say the previous homeowners were sleeping separately while working out some marital troubles. But hey, that’s just a guess! My money’s on the husband lacking ambition and the wife feeling like she has to do everything around here.  I can only speculate. “Speculate”—now that’s a funny word. Did you see the skylight?

Here’s the adjacent bathroom. Looks like the old residents left some shampoo in the shower. It’s that extra-shine kind. Boy, would I like my hair to look shiny. Thanks, so does yours! As you can see, this bathroom has a new shower head, a spacious medicine cabinet, a decorative—hey! Don’t look in there. Just take my word for it. The medicine cabinet is spacious. Jesus.

You’re right, that is a Calvin and Hobbes book on top of the toilet. Those old owners must have a great sense of humor, though I’m sure they wish they’d done a second sweep-through of the place if they were more organized in advance of the showing.

Glad to hear you like it! It really seems like a good place to live, especially if people from work don’t ask about it too often.

Of course, the house does have a couple of downsides.  The street can be noisy, and the lawn is a pain to mow, and the schools aren’t great, and the taxes are high, and it’s situated in a flood zone, and some locals say the very walls are haunted. And there’s a draft. There’s supposedly a draft.

You’re interested in looking at other places? Ah, that’s too bad. What convinced you? I’ve got to say, the former residents will be bummed to hear about this. Real shame for a house like this to be vacant.

Henry Johnson is a Harvard student and comedian living in Los Angeles. He tries really hard on Twitter.

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