The Best Frozen Moments From the 2016 Oscars

“My name is Bond, Jokes Bond.”

Woman over Chris Evans’s shoulder, unless you’re currently tweeting “Reese Witherspoon and Chris Evans should star in a rom-com in which he just picks her up and spins her around for 90 minutes,” put away your phone.

Woman laughing alone with director.

You know what they say: Once you go Anthony Crispino, do you go back? No. (I’m pretty sure).

Eh, Whoopi, ememba that nigh a Planet Holleywooz, en you, me, Rosie, and Danny Glovah … ” “I thought we agreed never to talk about that!” [Stallone tries to wink but blinks.]

Guess that danish is pregnant now.

That feeling when you remember you’re Leonardo DiCaprio.

Be seeing you. I hope … sporadically.

Someone looks like they can feel their face.

Now we know what Ridley Scott’s kids saw growing up when they tried to pretend their teacher didn’t give them homework today.

“For playing a 1950s shopgirl who gets seduced by a more experienced Spider-Man – I need pictures of Spider-Man and not today, yesterday. And if not yesterday, tomorrow – sorry, woman, a more experienced woman.”

Rooney missed her name being listed because she apparently was too busy picturing a deer reading a poem to a slightly older deer, as snow falls, and a hunter approaches.

Growing up, which Oscar-winning director accidentally and frequently called his teacher “mum”?

And we’d like to thank you, Jenny Beavan, for reminding us to live our best life.

Date Night 2: Date 2Night

It’s been only nine months since they began working together on Suicide Squad, but Margot Robbie is apparently already tired of this joker.

When it’s your parents’$2 50th wedding anniversary and you have to give a speech with your younger brother who “is having a hard time” after he broke up with his weed dealer.

[Three hours earlier] “Growl. Hello, I wanted to pick up my ticket. It should be under ‘Bear.’” “Sorry, I don’t have anything under that na— Wait, Sean Penn?!” “What? Sean Penn? I’m not Sean Penn. I’m a bear. Growl.” “I can see through the mouth, dude. You’re Sean Penn.” [Sean pulls open mouth, pushes face forward] “Look, after I made that green-card joke last year, they said this was the only way I could come this year.” “I understand… [box office attendant winks], Bear.” “Thank you.” “Did you just fart?”

True Detective Season-Two People Kissing, How About These Two, Right Now, Maybe?

You and your best friend looking at a picture of your ex’s giant back tattoo.

Who has two thumbs and is dressed for a wedding in a Western set at Burning Man?

“Oh you want me to present an award, but you don’t consider motion capture ‘acting’? No problem, let me just scratch this… itch… right… here…”

More like Zzzvester Zzzzzallone.

Last year’s two cutest stars were BB-8 and this 8-year-old bb. (He’s 9 now.)

“The Kids are all right.” “Good one, Jules.” “Good thing these scouts showed up, it was starting to feel like I was in some sort of hunger games.” “Ha-ha. Yup. Another one of your movies.” “The hours!”

“Tagalongs? Hmm. Wonder what’s in them. ‘Ingredients: Tagalongs’? The only ingredient is itself? That can’t be healthy. Fuck it, I already lost. Nom-nom-nom-nom.”

“Excuse me, Matt Damon. I know you’re asking this little girl about nutritional information, but my pregnant wife needs some fucking Savannah Smiles immediately.”

Joy.

Thanks for pointing out the rhinestones, Kev. We usually don’t notice unless they look like an enflamed skull.

“On three say, ‘Imprisoned by a sexual predator.’ One. Two…” “Wait, what?”

Sigma Epsilon’s pledge welcome speech is very intimidating, but I can’t wait for them to be my best friend, who I don’t ever speak to but am definitely allowed to wish Happy Birthday to on Facebook.  

Nice of Louis C.K. to shave three days ago and almost button the top button of his shirt for the Oscars.

I know you were unhappy with the joke, but that was last night. Now, just look at a picture of these cuties wearing tuxes and holding little briefcases. Seriously, what can you even keep in a briefcase that small? A peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich and a note that reads “Good luck at the Oscars, honey. – Mom”?

Producer 1: “We need a back of a head that represents the privilege white people have in Hollywood.” Producer 2: “I have just the person: The dude who got to direct Star Trek AND Star Wars.”

“Thank you. But you can all sit down. There’s nothing to be excited about. It’s just the vice-president talking about taking on rape culture. Hmm. Actually, you’re right. That is pretty great. Everyone stand up again!”

“Okay, I’m just going to go to the bathroom. No one will see because it’s not like they’ll cut away from the vice-president. I hope there isn’t a one-person standing ovation happening in the foreground right now.”

“New York’s hottest club is … Oscars. It has everything: Leonardo DiCaprio, beards, human statues.”

Jason Sudeikis: “I feel bad for my wife that she has to awkwardly smile during this bit. Sorry, I mean I feel bad for my waiiiiiiiife. But seriously, I do.”

Master of knowing to give your girlfriend your jacket because it’s cold in the theatre and because it’s probably comforting after having to present in front of millions of people judging your appearance (even though Louis could look like he took a nap in his tux beforehand and no one will think twice), and sex.

Not only did J.J. have to announce the names of five directors whose movies combined made less than his, but the winner didn’t even wear glasses.

When you cut off half her face, you really can’t tell if that’s Oscar-nominated actress Rooney Mara or the ghost of a Blythe doll.

“There’s a grief that can’t be spoken / There’s a pain goes on and on / Empty chairs at empty tables / Now my friends are dead and gone.”

That feeling when you blow up your city’s drug kingpin and you realize, “Hey, I guess I’m the kingpin now.”

When you’re Fat Bastard and you see a baby and you’re like, “Get in my belly.”

When you’re leaving school and your dad does that creepy two-hand whistle thing so you see where he parked. Also you’re an alien from a planet made of baby powder.

The feeling when, despite being one of 80 models at the club, Leo remembers your name.

When you try to give Nick Carraway a glass of Champagne but you realize you’re holding not a glass of Champagne but an Oscar, your Oscar, and you’re like, “It came true.”

That feeling when you’re sad that the love of your life is dying, freezing in the ocean, but you’re also hungry so you start eating your finger but you don’t want to do it too quickly because just in case he wakes up for a last breath, you don’t want his final image to be of his beloved chowing down on her own fingers.

Bale: “Oi, that is Tina Fey right there.” Blanchett: “Crikey! No way.” Both [singing]: “Working on my night cheese.”

That feeling when you’re mom’s going to be home late, so your sister is just going to put some chicken tenders in the toaster oven for you.

If you shake a box of Trefoils three times, Michael Keaton shows up and ruins your dinner party. (He eats all the cookies.)