Broad City Premiere Recap: ‘Tell Me This Isn’t Sexual’

Broad City

Two Chainz
Season 3 Episode 1
Editor’s Rating 5 stars

Broad City

Two Chainz
Season 3 Episode 1
Editor’s Rating 5 stars
Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer. Photo: Comedy Central

They’re baaack! The bad babes from Broad City have returned and because Jah is great, nothing has changed. Ilana is still a hip-hop horn-dog, Abbi is still a Type-A Trudy, and Lincoln is still the goofy third-wheel to the greatest semi-platonic love story of all time.

So dab your doob, slam a slice, and let’s get into it!

But first, hello! I’m your new Broad City recapper. In a nutshell, I’m easygoing, I’m a great cook, and I live in the present — just kidding. I’m actually a high-maintenance Jewess who takes 45 minutes to order at restaurants and can’t poop in public bathrooms! So now that you know everything about me, let’s do this.

The premiere episode, “Two Chainz,” opens with a bang — or actually, it’s more like a plop. We’re in split-screen with both gals sitting on their respective toilets, when llana suddenly lights a match with a wicked grin. WAIT, WHAT? Did Ilana Glazer just make dropping a deuce look sexy and cool?

From there, we get into a montage of the brassy besties in all kinds of bathroom shenanigans: getting head, giving head, eating chocolate, singing into hairbrushes, and, of course, getting stoned. By the end of the montage, I was so high on life I was like, “Who even needs Lexapro when you can just mainline Broad City?” (I still need Lexapro, though.)

After the opening credits, we jump to Abbi waiting for a table at some snooty Soho lunch spot where the hostess from hell basically treats her like:

The hostess refuses to seat Abbi until her full party arrives. (And yes, Ilana is the party in both a literal and metaphorical sense.) Just when it looks like they’re about to lose the table, Ilana comes biking to the rescue, looking hot in her butch backup-dancer gear: Nikes, booty shorts, and a cap that says “PERV.”

Abbi hurries Ilana up so they can get the table, and then Ilana accidentally drops the key to her bike lock in a sewer grate. Oh no! (But secretly, oh yes! Time for a madcap adventure!) The gals try to fish Ilana’s key out of the sewer, but their table is ready, so the bike drama gets paused.

Over lunch, Abbi tells Ilana about her fashion crisis: She has to go to a friend’s art opening and her clothes aren’t “cool” enough. Ilana, being obsessed with all things Abbi, assures her that her clothes are perfect. (“You look sexy and vivacious and artsy and, like, young-wife material but, like, taut and teasy still. It’s a perfect combo.”) Unfortunately, Ilana’s wrong. Have you been to an art opening in New York City? It’s the most intimidating crowd you’ll ever see. Imagine a roomful of pointy Tilda Swintons in weird capes and “brave” haircuts, and they’re all scowling at you. That’s pretty much it.

After lunch, Abbi tries to grab Ilana’s key by sticking some gum on a string of her wrap shirt and lowering it down. Just as she’s about to reach the key, though, a subway train rushes by and something in the sewer rips her shirt apart. Now she HAS to buy new clothes. Yay! I love new clothes! I love scenes about people buying new clothes!

Before the gals hit up a sample sale, Abbi suggests they use the bathroom at the restaurant. But since the hostess is Satan’s handmaiden, she doesn’t let them go inside. So with clear eyes, full hearts, and bursting bladders, the girls head to the sample sale — and it’s basically a fight club for overcaffeinated J.A.P.s. Women are punching one another in the face, brawling on the floor, and calling each other terrible names. Ever the champ, though, Abbi manages to claw her way through the hysteria to buy a cute top for the gallery opening.

Two minutes later, Abbi and Ilana are walking down the street when Abbi realizes they forgot to take the security tag off her shirt. Noooooo! They have to go BACK to the estrogen mosh pit. When they rush back to the sale, though, the entire place is empty like some spooky dream, just one sad hanger swinging in the wind.

So, Abbi is stuck with the tagged shirt, Ilana is wearing a bike chain around her waist, and both baes have to whiz like Khalifa. Abbi tries to go into a different store to see if they’ll take her tag off but — SURPRISE! — they think she stole the shirt and call the cops. Meanwhile, Ilana is on the phone with Lincoln, who wants to know if she’s still coming to his graduation.

Obviously, Ilana spaced on her plan with Lincoln because her heart (and crotch) beats mostly for Abbi. But being the thoughtful fuck buddy she is, Ilana tells Lincoln that she’s on her way. And then, we are #blessed with the cutest image of the episode: Ilana riding her bike with Abbi standing on the back as they ride through the city. I swear, watching these gals makes me feel like every friendship I’ve ever had is a wispy sham.

They finally arrive at Lincoln’s graduation and it turns out he’s graduating from … trapeze school? (He learned about it from Sex and the City: “The Miranda in me thought, ‘I’m out of my comfort zone,’ but the Carrie in me couldn’t resist.”) When Lincoln finishes showing off his useless skills, he asks Ilana if she needs help getting the bike chain off her waist. To which Ilana zings back, “You know, as a woman, I feel it’s important to cast this chain off myself.” And that’s how you make feminism funny, people!

After the trapeze show, the girls return to their epic mission of trying to take a leak. Abbi spots a port-a-potty in the distance, and finally gets to pee … until the port-a-potty gets lifted by crane. She goes flying through the air, trapped in a box full of poo.

After a few harrowing seconds, the crane sets the port-a-potty down and Abbi runs out screaming, still relatively clean. She and Ilana sit on the back of a truck to catch their breath, and suddenly, the truck starts moving too! Abbi leaps off, but Ilana is stuck. Now, it’s her turn to experience a completely implausible, but utterly delightful gag.

As the truck peels off with Ilana strapped to the back, screaming like a helpless hottie, Abbi goes on a wild goose chase to free her bae. When the truck stops and Abbi catches up to help her off, Ilana whispers, “Let’s get married.” Abbi’s like, “What did you say?” Ilana denies saying anything. I love that from Ilana’s perspective their relationship is a tense will-they-won’t-they, and from Abbi’s perspective it’s a hard THEY WON’T, EVER.

At this point in the episode, Abbi hits her lowest low and wants to give up on the art opening. That’s when the classic Ilana pep talk kicks in: “Artists aren’t judged by what they wear. Look at Joss Stone, she’s a genius and she’s never even worn shoes.”

The pep talk works and Abbi is BACK ON for the opening. When they arrive at the gallery, Abbi spots her friend Max Ann. She looks like every artist I’ve ever met in New York: thin, stunning, and in some kind of black origami outfit that looks like an architecture student’s thesis project.

Max Ann shows off her painting, which is just a large fingerprint: “I painted it with the end of a feather, not the end you write with, the soft end.” #standingovation #peabodyplease

Then Max Ann goes on a long rant about how she stopped talking to their college friend, “Smelly Pussy Donna,” because she stole a bunch of her clothes. Abbi suddenly gets very paranoid about the security tag on her shirt.

Once Max Ann excuses herself to have a quick chat with the curator, Abbi and Ilana fly into action. Abbi NEEDS to get this security tag off. Ilana decides to rip off it with her teeth. This is a bad idea. Ilana bites down and the tag explodes, spraying blue ink all over Max Ann’s painting. Oops!

“Noooooo!” Max Ann shrieks from across the room. One guy claps because he thinks it’s a performance. (Ha!) Max Ann orders them to leave, but on the way out, they deliver one last accidental blow: Ilana gets magnetically stuck to a big bronze sculpture of hairy balls. After Abbi untangles her from springy pubic hairs, they finally leave, utterly humiliated.

But the day’s not over yet. In the episode’s final scene, Abbi rubs lotion all over Ilana’s torso to help slide her bike chain off. After what looks like a very painful trial-and-error process, a hard yank finally frees Ilana from the chain. Both girls fall onto the bed.

Ilana: Tell me this isn’t sexual.

Abbi: You’re bleeding, dude.

Ilana: Ding ding ding ding.

And with that, our first episode of the third season ends. The day was full of hijinks, embarrassment, and fashion faux-pas, but it was still awesome. Every day is awesome when Abbi and Ilana spend it together.

Okay, Broad baes, what did you think of the episode? Did you LURVE it as hard as I did? Do you like how the show is getting even more slapstick and surreal? Will you have nightmares about flying toilets and swinging scrotums? Is Ilana ever gonna seriously date Lincoln? Is Abbi ever gonna let Ilana go down on her? Did you miss Bevers? Tell me all on Twitter!

Broad City Recap: ‘Tell Me This Isn’t Sexual’