Friendships! I missed y’all while I was on working on the West Coast, but major shout-out to my homette Rae Sanni for covering me on The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap front. I’m so happy to be back just in time for Valentine’s Day. And since you asked how my V-day went, I ought to tell you. I took a picture of myself next to a cardboard cutout of Michael Fassbender and sent it to my family with the caption: “Me & my future baby daddy sending you love before we go make a tiny human the complexion of Ice-T.” If you thought I was going to do anything less ignorant than that, then you don’t know me at all.
On with the show. Tonight’s episode “Peaches of the Caribbean” has everything I love and need from RHOA: Cynthia/Kenya friendship drama, people spreading trifling rumors about a housewife’s husband, tons of drinking and partying, and a very awkward dinner. All and all, this is a really solid episode, so let’s get into it.
We open with everyone (minus Kenya and her bae Matt) loading onto a bus to go to Kingston. Thanks to seeing how chummy Peter and Malorie are towards each other, everybody on the bus is now a recent graduate from This Don’t Make No Sense University. Look, I know it seems like Peter and Malorie have both changed their ways, but the foundation of their relationship was built on messiness — Mal trying to stop the wedding, Peter always having some slick to say to her — so color me unimpressed by their sudden change of heart towards one another. I’m betting that by the end of this trip, they’ll be at each other’s throats again.
Speaking of Kenya, she still thinks that after being friends with Cynthia for the length of a Rachael Ray 30 Minutes or Less meal, she’s earned the title of “Best Friend.” She bails on attending the trip to Kingston and she goes to the spa with her boyfriend instead, which I’m okay with because Matt is hot. Back on the bus, Cynthia and Sheree get into a discussion because as per usual, Sheree has her nose in Cynthia and Kenya’s friendship. Then, Cynthia seems like she’s on the verge of tears. Girl, Kenya is not worth it. If you presented her to an appraiser on Antiques Roadshow, Kenya would be worth -6,700 tears.
The bus arrives to Kingston and Peter’s family is so cute! Seeing him with family makes me think that he might be a good guy. They all settle in for a giant feast with tons of seafood, veggies, and fish eyes. Hard pass on the fish eyes. Kim invites Peter’s family to be background in the commercial. LOL. Can we stop acting like this commercial is important? No? Okay, then I want them all to break legs on the ’mercial. The RHOA crew leave Kingston and return to Ocho Rios to have a second dinner. As they’re checking out the food, Porsha is like, “Oooh, look at this fish y’all like.” Cynthia is like, “Those are plantains.”
Fish and plantains look nothing alike. I blame our school system for this. Moving on. Matt, Peter, Bob, and Gregg are having boring guy time, mainly because the guys on this show are kind of bland. Sorry not sorry. Thankfully, we jump back to the ladies and NeNe swings by Kenya’s room. NeNe says she’s down for her, Kenya, and Cynthia to be friends:
Kenya is not buying it and thinks NeNe just came on this trip to cause drama — a-doy! — and shockingly, NeNe goes to bat for Cynthia. She invites her to the girl drinks to repair their relationship. This new NeNe is … mature? I don’t know how to feel about that. The two join the rest of the ladies and Kenya says she’s coming to the ’mercial shoot. We jump back to the guys and naturally, since Matt is new to the crew, the rest of the fellas want to vet him and make sure he’s not a bowl of Metamucil-infused boo-boo. Matt is being standoffish, though. When he tells them he doesn’t have any kids, they’re all shocked. Gregg is like, “Is there something wrong with you?” It’s called condoms and pulling out, Gregg. It’s really that easy to not make a baby. Anyway, Matt doesn’t like being grilled and Peter tells him to chill with the attitude and then Matt storms off.
When everyone is trying to be the alpha male, I guess these sorts of “pissing contests” happen. Back to the gals. They are gossiping about Kim’s husband, Chris. Right out the gate, Phaedra says that he seems “sassy,” and they think he’s too protective of Kim, and Kenya is like, “Y’all know everyone calls him Chrissy,” and implies he’s gay. They’re all cackling. Meanwhile, Cynthia and Sheree are in the cut like:
And I don’t blame them. There is NO WAY this trifling and petty conversation won’t get back to Kim and Chris. IDK. I’m just not a fan of people being concerned with other people’s sexuality and sexual preferences. And furthermore, it’s bothersome because if a guy is not hypermasculine — especially a black dude — the joke is he’s not a man, which is insulting because GAY MEN ARE MEN. Just let Chris live. He has done nothing to them and all they do is joke about him behind his back. Two thumbs down, ladies. Y’all too grown for this.
It’s now the day of the ’mercial. Kim is killing it and everything is pretty much smooth sailing. It’s looking really good. UGH. And then it seems like it’s about to rain right as everyone else is in transit to perform. That. Sucks. But also, why would you schedule a shoot to be done in one day without a backup plan? That makes no sense, especially because they’ve been in Jamaica for a few days. Anyway, the rain seems to be holding off and the shoot continues to happen and, of course, Kenya is not being supportive and then just wades out into the ocean in a paddle boat with Matt. Ignorant.edu/StudentLoans. Anyway, the shoot finishes. Everyone is happy and they all decide to have a wrap party.
Meanwhile, Matt tells Kenya that he doesn’t like Peter and Gregg for throwing shade. But that’s what happens when you join a new group. Not sure why exactly Matt got so mad, but I’ll be damned if this lame drama is going to be a significant plot point. Matt is monotone and doesn’t have any comebacks. I’m not sure why he is here besides his looks.
Later that night, Oliver arrives. He seems very sweet and if he can put up with Porsha, then bless him. She tells him, “You, me, and Phaedra are going to have a threesome,” and you can see in his eyes that he got a boner and then she goes, “But just like friendship-style.” Cut to me playing “Taps” off my iPhone because his boner just died, y’all. Porsha. PORSHA! You cannot tell a straight dude you wanna do a threesome and then be like, “JK.” That is blue-ball hell and he deserves better than being teased like that. On the plus side, if anyone from the Blue Man Group gets sick, one of Oliver’s balls can sub in. Sorry, y’all. I had to go there. (No, I didn’t.)
Then Porsha goes, “You’ll be sleeping in this room and I’ll be sleeping over there.”
GIIIIIIRL, you need to go ahead and break you off a piece of that Cinnamon Toast Crunch. This dude flew JetBlue coach for you and you’re in Jamaica. You should exclusively be having sex and only taking breaks to drink Vitamin Water Zero to restore your electrolytes. Moving on. It’s wrap party time! Everyone seems to be in a good mood. Matt’s feelings are still hurt from the hazing, but it seems like he’s going to make amends with Peter. But who cares about that? My girl Sheree sits down with all the ladies and is like, “Kim, people were talking about your husband.”
Guess what y’all? Diamonds are forever and this LMAO is forever. There was NO NEED for Sheree to bring that up, but I’m so glad she did. The rest of the women were being fake as hell, being all polite about Chris when they were talking about him like a dog the night before. When are they going to learn to not say anything around Sheree? Sheree, you are a national treasure. I love you.
Alrighty, what did you think of tonight’s episode? How do you feel about the Chris rumors? And are you over Kenya and Cynthia constantly DTR’ing their friendship? How do you think this wrap party is going to end? Happy Valentine’s Day, boo!