The Real Housewives of Potomac
Whoever writes these episodes of RHOP — yes, someone clearly writes these from start to finish, so let’s all stop pretending — could really benefit from an intro-screenwriting class. Almost every moment in this episode involves someone talking about someone who isn’t there or an event that is going to happen in the future. Is Karen so worried about her Jack and Jill membership being revoked that she can’t flip over a table or throw a prosthetic leg across a table? Someone has to have a detachable body part that can be used to beat an undeserving valet!
The episode opens with enough shots of D.C. to make us forget that we’re not really in D.C. I’ve been told by my sources that Potomac is to D.C. as Naperville is to Chicago, or where rich people with horses live. Either way, we’re never too far from a Noodles & Company and a LOFT. That’s what America is now: economically depressed farmland or teens with designer handbags eating global noodles.
Speaking of teens with designer bags, Karen’s daughter Rayvin is getting a Krav Maga lesson because someone robbed Karen and made off with her diamond necklace. Karen shoved her diamond ring into “never-never land” and presumably turned it into a super diamond with only the heat and pressure of DEM THIGHS. In another moment of what appears to be honest emotion, Karen starts to cry when she talks to Rayvin about being on her own for the first time and defending herself with everyone she’s got. Karen follows up the moment by saying, “I bought you a hot pink stun gun so buzz his (or her) ass off!” Karen is my kind of mom. Her life may be full of social events but being a parent is No. 1.
Next, it’s time to check in on Ashley and her increasingly bizarre, old-ass husband Michael. Ashley is opening a modern Australian restaurant and pretending with all her heart that Michael isn’t footing every single bill to get Fancy Outback open. Ashley doesn’t want to piggyback off her husband’s coattails. So she does what any independent successful businesswoman would do — she lets her husband sit in on job interviews for her assistant. Nothing says “making my own decisions” like a second opinion!
Also, what the hell is Australian food? Also, also, one of the candidates for the assistant position is wearing head-to-toe bandanna clothing. You want a unified public presence? Hire the man who dresses in THEMES.
Apparently, Michael is there to embarrass the candidates and ask them Australia trivia and if they want to blow in his long, hard tube. Michael, I used to work in HR. You can’t do that, bruh. That’s only one of the many tragic things Michael does in this episode. Is being married to a wacky older man like having a wacky uncle? If so, this marriage is going to get tiring QUICK.
Charrisse hosts Robyn at her home and they both wear shapeless, silk summer dresses. Charrisse has set out an entire NatureBox worth of snacks and is attempting to pass it off as her own handiwork. Naw, I know Sriracha Cashew Crunch when I see it. Robyn wants Charrisse’s advice because Robyn’s man-she-has-sex-with-but-isn’t-her-boyfriend might be looking to change locales and Robyn doesn’t know if she wants to move with him. Oh Robyn, you might as well ask Sansa Stark for dating advice. Charrisse is finally taking some action in her life and she — oh, honey no — texted her husband that she’s starting divorce proceedings. Eddie hasn’t responded to her text. I’ve been ghosted on before — I’M LOOKING AT YOU DANIEL, DOES US WATCHING MAGIC MIKE XXL MEANT NOTHING TO YOU? — but this is harsh.
Two high priestesses of Bougie Magick meet during a storm to discuss their next sacrifice. Karen and Gizelle debate whether to offer Ashley or Katie to the spirit of Hilary Banks atop an altar of crab cakes and Louis shoes. Every time they mention that Katie might be on “d-word” — either drugs or that D — thunder and lightning strike, setting their Links tote bags ablaze. Karen decides to appease the bougie goddesses by throwing a yacht party to teach Ashley a lesson. That’s a hella bougie plan of action.
Ashley’s mom, Sheila, comes to visit and I love Sheila because it looks to be 10 a.m. outside Ashley’s window and she is like, “Where is the Patron?!” Sheila’s lit. She is getting drunk at 10 a.m. because she’s filing for bankruptcy and drinking to forget. So, Ashley is going to take care of her mom (read: her rich husband is going to take care of everything).
Katie tries to mend things with Karen by apologizing for kissing her boyfriend at a party because that is not behavior becoming of a lady of relative leisure. Reserve kissing on the mouth for your affection salon where you both express affection and adopt affectations. After she’s prostrated herself at Karen’s feet for being sexually alive, she asks Karen to be on the host committee of her charity. They need to raise $50 billion by tomorrow to save the rec center. Karen says no because Katie keeps saying rollerdex instead of Rolodex.
Gizelle goes out looking fuh-law-less in a tube dress to meet Herman, her basic date for the evening. Herman used to be on Maryland’s House of Delegates and ran for elected office and now he’s wearing green pants at a seafood restaurant. Gizelle doesn’t just date anybody, y’all. Herman passes the oyster test, which is less arousing than it sounds, so he makes the cut to join Gizelle on the yacht. He tries to kiss her to show his gratitude and she pushes his face away with her entire hand. What do you call that? Oh yeah, she slapped him away. Ahhh, young love.
Ashley and Katie go to play golf. To demonstrate how to properly hit the ball, Andrew bends Katie over and grabs his hair in his fist. Yikes. He looks like a tourist mounting Nicki’s Anaconda wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s. The sexual dynamics of this relationship are becoming more and more embarrassing. I think Kara Walker did a piece about a man with his hand wrapped in a black woman’s hair on a golf course and every part represented slavery.
Via their house-wide intercom, Karen calls Raymond up to their bedroom to approve his outfits for the yacht party. I officially want Karen’s life. Karen is using this yacht party to show Ashley how to throw a good event and the first step is “put it on a yacht.”
After everyone has selected their favorite Louboutins and Raymond spends hours pleasuring his mature and powerful wife, it’s time for an etiquette lesson disguised as a yacht party! Michael shows up in a pirate hat because he is insufferable. I want him to fall into whichever body of water they’re sailing on. A river? Karen doesn’t mind because she loves that “Michael is loaded and that he loves to have fun!” Karen is always teaching us forgiveness and teaching us the proper way to hike up our titties in a ballgown at four in the afternoon. Charrisse shows up with two random biddies because if she doesn’t have a plus one, she’s gonna hook her girlfriends up with some heavy appetizers.
Herman and Gizelle argue whether they’re really on a date or not. I’m sorry, you grown. You’re out in public after 3 p.m. It’s a date. Gizelle doesn’t want it to be a date because she might have to go to bed with a man named Herman. In a moment of expertly crafted shade, Karen asks if his name is Mr. Miami. Karen knew this wasn’t Mr. Miami. Herman is barely Mr. Upper Marlboro.
After Karen makes an outfit change and floats around the yacht, she sees Michael trying to take off his pants and jump into the … river? I’m going with river at this point. Guys, Michael has “I married a younger woman so I have to seem wild and crazy” disease. Harrison Ford got that lower-back tattoo after he married Calista Flockhart.
To make up for her embarrassing Australian husband, Ashley invites the girls up to their beach house in scenic Delaware Beach. Katie asks if someone with a really big clit can come. I’m gonna leave that one right there.