Caila, Lace, Amanda, Tiara, Haley, Amber, Emily, Jami, Becca, Izzy, Leah, Olicia, Rachel, Jubilee, Jennifer, Shushanna, Lauren H.
Oatmeal’s tenure as the Bachelor will go down in Bachelor history not only because he’s the first Bachelor to tell two women that he loves them, but also because he’s the most popular Bachelor the show has ever had … as the show makes sure to tell us.
The women of America may light up when Host Chris and Oatmeal invade their homes and interrupt their pajama parties, but we all can see the sadness and disappointment behind their eyes. “He’s not that tall in person,” they think. “His haircut continues to be dumb,” their inner voices tell them. “He’s a walking talking bowl of oatmeal that doesn’t have great abs,” runs through their minds as a single tear runs down each of their cheeks. “I’m just excited to see you,” they lie to Oatmeal’s face.
After Oatmeal and Host Chris eat some people’s food and pick up strangers’ babies, it’s time to reintroduce ourselves to the ladytestants and the farm animals they brought with them. Why was the mini-horse not invited back on the panel?
This reunion special starts off with an assertion: If there’s 28 women going after one man, there’s going to be drama. Is there going to be drama? Is there? As evidence, The Bachelor has identified Lace, Olivia, and Our High Priestess Jubilee as the main sources of drama.
Before we get to the main event, we have to deal with the little drama of Leah. Leah wanted to upset the apple cart because she wasn’t picked for the one-on-one, so she did what dramatic people have done for millennia — she made up a rumor about someone else. And again like dramatic people throughout history, she claimed that she didn’t think her rumor would ever get out. I want Sheila the Chicken to flap her wings in Leah’s face until she shuts up.
It’s time for Jubilee to take the hot seat. Jami and Amber clamor for enough attention to secure their spot as shit-stirrers for Bachelor in Paradise and accuse Jubilee of colorism. Apparently, no one else was around when Jubilee claimed to be the only real black girl and was going to go farther than any black girl in Bachelor history. Wait, did I say no one was around? Shushanna was around. That girl who never spoke English but still managed to get roses? Well, homegirl got Rosetta Stone and was lurking behind ficuses when these alleged meetings of the NAABP (National Association for the Advancement of Bachelor People) took place.
Someone off camera tells Jami to “get over it.” I think it was Sheila the Chicken.
Host Chris pressures Jubilee to explain why she’s getting emotional. Oh, I don’t know, Host Chris. Everyone is accusing her of being racist against other black people and not being invested enough in the process and making friends with the other ladytestants. Jubilee says that she got got swept up in Oatmeal accepting her past, then got jealous when he started to have emotional connections with other women. Like a normal human.
Jubilee says that she loves herself and is proud of her accomplishments. She’s been promoted to sergeant! Host Chris makes sure to remind her that a guy as terrific as Oatmeal saw her and got who she is as a person, so she must be a good person. Don’t worry, Jubilee. A man validated you.
Now it’s time for Lace’s turn in the hot seat. Oh, Lace. You beautiful mess of a flower. Lace watched the show and is more cognizant of how she acted and wants to change. (Read: I WAS DRUNK ALL THE TIME.) Lace isn’t going to use the word crazy anymore and she isn’t going to make ugly faces either. She’s also going to start living the words of her tattoo: “You have to love yourself before you love someone else.” I too am going to start living by the words of my RuPaul-themed tattoo: “Cover girl! Put the bass in your walk. Head to toe let your whole body talk.”
A random man in the audience got a Lace tattoo that would get his tattoo artist kicked off Ink Master and forces Lace to take a picture with him.
We’ll see Lace on Bachelor in Paradise. Yesssssss.
Now it’s time for Olivia. Host Chris reminds her that everything was going great … until it wasn’t. Olivia thinks that Ben was the man of her dreams and she blacked out when she got out of the limo and he just got her, but she didn’t know the extent and the extremity of the things being said behind her back. Twin One performs an entire mime routine behind Olivia’s back acting out how often she confronted Olivia about the things Olivia was saying behind everyone’s back.
The irony is lost on Twin.
Amanda steps up to the plate to call Olivia out on her bullshit apology after Olivia said that no man would want to date a single mom. Twin and Twin accuse Olivia of bullying the girls. Someone tells Twins that they are doing the same thing back to Olivia and Twin says, “That’s beyond the point.”
The irony is lost on Twin.
Olivia fires back that she was bullied as a child, and hearing the other ladytestants making fun of her breath and toes is bullying. Izzy says that if Olivia had really been bullied, she wouldn’t bully anyone and she hasn’t learned anything from it. So there.
Caila is called to the hot seat to watch her clip package. Her face turns into a frown-y emoji. Caila really did love Oatmeal and she doesn’t fall in love easily and blah blah blah pick me as the next Bachelorette.
BRING OUT THE OATMEAL! MAKE HIM ANSWER FOR HIS CRIMES!
Oatmeal comes out and Sheila the Chicken stares in judgement. Mini-horse fires his agent for not getting him on that panel.
Each of the ladytestants get the chance to ask Oatmeal a question to get some closure on their relationship. Caila wants to know if her confusion prevented her relationship with Oatmeal from moving forward. Oatmeal says, “We understood what we were saying, but we have to remember what’s happening in other relationships.” That old adage. Leah misunderstands what compartmentalizing a relationship means. Jubilee forces Oatmeal to admit that he messed up their relationship as much as she did. Praise Jubilee. Olivia doesn’t have a question, but just wants to say watching yourself on TV sucks. Sheila the Chicken wants to know why Oatmeal took her to a fantasy suite but didn’t say, “I love you.”
Lauren H. tells Oatmeal that if he messes up his final relationship, he will have destroyed the faith all women on Earth have in the power of love. Yeesh. Becca says it’s comforting to know there are guys like Oatmeal out there. Double yeesh.
Host Chris asks Oatmeal to tell Twins apart. Triple yeesh.
It’s time for bloopers, and mini-horse tears the dress of a ladytestant by refusing to move, and Host Chris forces the mini-horse to eat a cake. There were other non-mini-horse-related bloopers, but I don’t care.
Oatmeal will go down in history as one of the most popular and well-liked Bachelors according to someone, and the “next week on” preview shows him comforting JoJo on a bathroom floor because she knows he loves someone else.
If I can indulge in some fan theories from the comments, I totally believe that Oatmeal told Lauren B. that he loved her on his date because he’s only had eyes for her for weeks, but in order to make it a “fair fight,” the producers made him say, “I love you” to someone. Poor JoJo.
The credits roll over mini-horse eating off the craft-services table. I share the sentiment of the security guy that I would not eat another damn thing off that table.
See you next week for the finale!