Candace Cameron Bure as D.J., Bob Saget as Danny, Andrea Barber as Kimmy Gibbler, John Stamos as Jesse, Dave Coulier as Jesse, Jodie Sweetin as Stephanie.
I love that Kimmy Gibbler does the unexpected. When she was wearing that pink sweater covered in black bows, something totally out of Carrie Bradshaw’s closet circa dating Aidan the second time, she also wore one of Carrie’s other signatures: a nameplate necklace. However, Kimmy Gibbler’s did not say “Kimmy” or “Gibbler.” It seemed to say something like “Jessica.” It might have also said something like “Glamour” but I couldn’t see it clearly enough. But I can totally see Kimmy Gibbler going to look for a necklace and deciding, “Today I think I want to be a Jessica,” and just buying it. That Kimmy Gibbler, she’s a genius.
Now, I’m a little bit concerned about D.J., Stephanie, and Kimmy Gibbler. As the adults in this house, they allowed a deliveryman to come to the door, bring in 1,000 red roses, set them up in the living room, and they didn’t even notice this was happening. If they missed that, what is going to keep one of the kids from constructing a nuclear bomb in the basement and accidentally setting it off, ushering in a nuclear winter for the entire West Coast of the United States? Seriously, if they can’t catch one overzealous deliveryman, how are they going to protect four children from the evils of the world?
They don’t even know who got the roses because Cosmo stole the card. (Training the dog: another thing these women haven’t bothered doing.) We obviously know that they’re for Aunt Becky because, duh, that is how sitcoms work, but these three have such active dating lives that Kimmy thinks it could be Fernando, D.J. thinks it could be Hunky Vet Matt, and Stephanie thinks it could be, well, any number of the men she’s picked up off the streets of San Francisco to serve Afternoon Delight to on the living-room couch while everyone else is at work or school or wherever they go during the day.
Speaking of neglectful parents, when Hunky Vet Matt finally asks D.J. out on a date, how is she free to have dinner that very same night? I’m not free until next Thursday and I’m not even a single mother of three with a medical practice to run. Can she really just drop everything and go out with a man on a school night and not have to make dinner, tuck the wee ones in, check homework, and lay out an outfit for the next day? Even if she doesn’t, she can just drop everything at a moment’s notice for some hot piece in scrubs? I guess that’s what happens when you trick your best friend and sister into providing free child care whenever you need it. You can just flit off on romantic encounters like the heroine of some Jackie Collins novel.
While we’re talking about D.J., can we just acknowledge how she’s the absolute worst? When Hunky Vet Matt asks her out and she agrees, he says, “Boo-yeah,” like he is a walking advertisement for Four Loko and Snapchatting pictures of girls throwing up on the sidewalk while you’re out with your bros. That’s not a deal-breaker, but for some reason, sending 1,000 roses is? That is some messed-up romantic calculus, D.J., my dear. Then, when she finds out that he only put two sunflowers on the front desk, the date is back on. So, she wants flowers, but not too many flowers. If I were Hunky Vet Matt, I would cancel because D.J. is clearly more demanding than someone who does CrossFit and insists that you talk about #SundayMealPrep with them. (Speaking of their vet clinic, what happened to the lady who works the front desk? She took her dog to the vet in, like, episode three and never returned.)
As for Kimmy Gibbler, well, she’s not so bad, but she’s still thinking of getting back together with Fernando, who is clearly a giant liar because he keeps making her believe that he sent the roses even though he did not. The reason she broke up with him in the first place was because she couldn’t trust him, but she doesn’t realize that this is a huge red flag? (Also, he’s gay.)
Stephanie, well, she’s a slut. That is well established. I actually like her a little bit more because of it. I love anyone who is sexually liberated, but she shouldn’t let all the heteronormativity around her scare her into settling down, especially with a boring CPA whom she married in the fifth grade. (Also, why was their wedding flashback worthy but all of the other mentions of the old show weren’t? How rude!) Harry is clearly not the right match for Stephanie. I don’t think she should feel that bad about having a new guy every night of the week. When Uncle Jesse first got on the show, his prowess with the ladies was something he was proud of, so why can’t Stephanie be the same way?
Her nephew Jackson has absolutely no game with the ladies. He wants to get Ramona’s friend Lola to go out with him, but he’s afraid of being stuck in the friend zone. How do 13-year-olds know about the friend zone? If I were 13, I would think that the Friend Zone is the place with a ball pit and arcade games where everyone has their birthday parties. Seriously, these kids are just one step away from HPV vaccines and Chaturbate accounts.
Jackson can’t talk to Lola, so he devises a plan to give her 1,000 red M&M’s because those are her favorites and then ask her out with the classic, “Do you want to go out with me? Check yes or no” note. But Max intercepts it and thinks it’s for him. He immediately checks yes and eats all the candy, sending him on some sort of crystal-meth trip in which he runs around the house, terrified that worms are going to eat out his brains if he slows down.
When Jackson goes to talk to Lola, J-Money comes out, which is his alternate personality that talks in internet clichés and bad hip-hop lyrics. If his mother, aunt, and mom’s best friend would spend even five minutes with him, he might learn how to talk to women, but instead he is living in a house full of neglect. Poor Jackson and Max. They’re going to grow up to be pickup artists, and it’s all D.J.’s fault.