Hey guys! Phoebe is away, so I’m covering Real Housewives of Dallas this week. These women are nuts, so let’s get cracking.
LeeAnne is feeding a dog whose look of indifference aptly captures my own toward her. Cary is tattooing nipples onto a breast after a reconstruction. Tiffany and her husband, Aaron, flirt, and Brandi and Stephanie visit with LeeAnne’s friend, Marie. Brandi, as you may recall, is a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and has found the healthiest way to relive her glory days: by helping Marie stage-mom her child. Brandi didn’t come from money and taught herself how to be a cheerleader by tumbling in the woods. Marie is a little too rich to allow her daughter to do such a thing.
After a cute dance session with Marie’s daughter, Brandi apologizes to Marie for her disagreement with LeeAnne at her event. Marie essentially responds, “No, I get why you find LeeAnne obnoxious,” and Stephanie and Marie believe that Brandi and LeeAnne will bond over humor. I can’t imagine a woman who takes herself as seriously as LeeAnne does will bond with anyone over humor, and neither can Brandi.
We see Cary in the kitchen with her husband, playing dumb about not knowing how to use a toaster oven, and then describing how her “magical junk” convinced an overweight married man to lose enough weight for her to want to be his trophy wife. I’m not surprised that an admitted trophy wife is this shallow, but I am shocked that she thinks that her “magical junk” made the difference, as if “rich man leaves wife for younger, prettier one” isn’t a story we’ve heard before. Their baby is adorable, though I suspect she isn’t the polyglot Cary wants us to believe she is.
LeeAnne goes to see a hat designer, and although the whole scene is eye-roll inducing, I am glad that the show has finally acknowledged that black people actually live in Dallas by showing us the black hat designer. LeeAnne is getting a hat made in preparation for the Madhatter’s Luncheon, a big charity event where everyone brings their best chapeau game. Last year, she wore an expensive floral monstrosity, which she tackily explains the designer gave her for free. LeAnne basically admits to having used “charity” as a social-climbing tool for the last 16 years, but it seems to me that she might be the charity case.
Brandi, our self-made rich girl whom the producers seem hellbent on making the hero of the bunch, and her bestie, Stephanie, are using crafts to decorate a hat for the luncheon, mocking the women who take the event too seriously. But if people at these events aren’t your style — which I get, they ain’t mine either — why wouldn’t you just donate directly to the organization and skip the event itself? It’s pretty lame to expend all this energy trying to be punk rock on the Dallas Charity Circuit, no? During the hat-making session, Stephanie, who looks just like — and is just as mercurial as — Sarah Newlin from True Blood, admits to writing LeeAnne an email to smooth over their confrontation at the last event. Brandi says she isn’t upset with Stephanie, but I bet she is.
Tiffany, LeeAnne, and their partners are barbecuing and we get the women’s relationship history. Both were models and party girls back in their day, though Tiffany admits to hating LeeAnne when they first met. Tiffany’s husband Aaron, a.k.a. Keith Urban–lite, gives an unnecessarily detailed description of how, as a child, he would artificially inseminate cows on a dairy farm. Then, Tiffany and LeeAnne try to pressure LeeAnne’s totally uninterested boyfriend into proposing.
Later, Tiffany and Aaron discuss their life goals. We learn they used to live a “rich Hollywood lifestyle” before they left for Dallas. Tiffany emphasizes that Aaron moved to Dallas for her, but it feels suspiciously like the couple moved to Dallas to be cast on this show, as they have yet to purchase a permanent home and haven’t figured out a plan for Aaron’s career in Dallas. “Wanna grow old in Texas with me?” Tiffany asks. “I wanna grow old with you,” Aaron answers, as an unspoken “NOT IN TEXAS THOUGH” hangs in the air.
We get a scene with Brandi making poop jokes as she and her daughters make a chocolate pie to celebrate her mother’s birthday. Brandi thinks her scat humor is hysterical, but her daughters are not amused. Neither am I, to be honest. Stephanie comes over to visit, and the two moms lament the difficulties of child-rearing while their husbands are away pursuing business goals.
Tiffany and Aaron go house hunting. Tiffany falls in love with a gorgeous mansion, and is ready to stretch money to buy it, but Aaron pushes back. He finally admits what we all knew: He doesn’t want to be in Dallas for the long haul.
Brandi’s family comes over to celebrate her mother’s birthday. Brandi explains her upbringing — that her mother was a teen mom of two kids, and how she was alienated for this. Brandi has never met her grandfather, because he too alienated Brandi’s mom. This explains why Brandi doesn’t care much what other people think of her, but it doesn’t explain her obsession with poop jokes. At the table, Brandi sweetly thanks her mom for all the sacrifices she’s made to raise Brandi and her brother, and they embrace. Aww.
Next, we see everyone getting ready for the luncheon. While LeeAnne pretends to care what her boyfriend thinks of her too-loud outfit, Brandi arrives at Stephanie’s house wearing her crafted hat, replete with a toy dog and fake poop. Eye-roll.
Finally, we’re at the Madhatter’s Luncheon, which is supposed to be the biggest charity event of the year, but just looks like the tent setups at Ivy League reunions. Everyone fakes compliments Brandi’s hat, which is funny to watch, but that comes to an end when Tiffany tells LeeAnne there’s fake dog poop on Brandi’s hat. LeAnne takes it too seriously, as expected, and gossips with some lame dude who says, “I can’t believe her husband is letting her do all this.” How sexist and gross. Brandi is a grown woman, and though I’m annoyed with her choice to put fake feces on her head, I’m more annoyed by the idea that she should obey her husband. Please. When LeeAnne finally interacts with Brandi, she too is fake about Brandi’s hat and even allows herself to be photographed with her.
Ever the agitator, Brandi approaches Tiffany and tells a prolonged story about her fake poop falling off her hat in the restroom. After not getting the outsized reaction she wanted, Brandi recruits Cary to plant one of Brandi’s fake turds near LeeAnne, and LeeAnne tattles on Brandi to one of her powerful society connections. Well, okay. This is a thing that happened at an event attended by adults. Lame.
So, what did you think of the episode? Is Brandi going to be shunned after the luncheon? Do you like any of these characters yet?