Greetings sir or madame, I want you to fear not what lies before you. I am not avenging angel nor trickster demon. No Loki am I. I am simply the new Sesame Street Muppet here to entertain your child and teach him about shapes.
My name is Gully. I am pink and I have big, dumb, googly eyes.
I am aware I was not there during the upbringing of you. And I am aware my presence may be disconcerting—you may be worried I am here to replace Grover. Or that my unfamiliarity is a reminder that your time on this Earth grows shorter and your connection to your past farther and more tenuous. Fear not. I am here not replace Grover or the safety of your halcyon days. I am only here to educate.
It’s true that as the universe goes on and on and on and evolution is unavoidable. I too found it stressful when I tuned in only to find bags under Gordon’s eyes, or when I saw Abby Caddaby make an entrance. Or when you visit home and see your father growing older. We have naught but knowledge to keep us afloat and when that is taken away we cling to what we have. Sometimes that is Grover. Sometimes that is our multilayered past. For your child it will be me.
Yes, yes, I will be embedded into your toddler’s memory. And yes, he will remember my image as he makes sense out of the strange new concepts flying at him. And yes, I am a little obnoxious—but I do not belong to you. Yet look at this— simply by being aware of my presence means there is a good chance you’ve had a child of your own. Is my arrival not a sign your life is in pristine shape?
Yes. It was disconcerting when Elmo got a computer, and yes twas an act of cognitive dissonance when Cookie Monster ate vegetables. Your fear and outrage is why I am here. The world evolves and stays the same. You know why I love the triangle? The triangle is without judgement and the triangle is with constant. It will always have three sides and three angles, but it will come in many forms. I am the new triangle.
Jim Henson died in 1990.
When I die, please bury me out at sea. I want to be a tiny puppet in a wooden box remembered by the waves as a detail in our greater DNA that maybe taught a child that triangles are very great and maybe the power of sharing? We will see how we progress.
So remember as you gaze within my beautiful, ever-moving, ever-shaking eye: Fear not change. Fear not destruction. Fear not The Rot, or Entropy, or The Disease That Is Aging Which Will Swallow Us All Within Its Godless Maw. The Hand That Comes Down For Me shall come down for us all, and to fear it is to let its disease spread. But for now I am Gully. And I thank you for letting me talk.
Next time you see me I will be on television giving a triangle to The Weeknd. I only hope he will accept my gift.
Alex Firer has written for The Onion News Network, Frederator, Funny or Die’s Pitch app, and The Devastator. He can bench press 10,000 pounds because that is his day job, being very strong.
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