Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt follows Kimmy, who gets kidnapped at age 14 by Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne and spends 15 years in a bunker as part of an underground doomsday cult. The show does an excellent job of crafting a character who, in many ways, hasn’t grown emotionally since 1998. Kimmy still loves light-up sneakers. On her first day in New York, she eats candy for dinner. And when it comes to cursing, she behaves like a 12-year-old: putting harmless words in the place of curse words, avoiding the word “God,” and spelling “bad” words out. Some of them call to mind Liz Lemonisms (“What the what?”), and, thanks to Ellie Kemper’s delivery, this makes for a great running joke. (In rare moments, Kimmy will get mad enough to drop a real “curse” word. When the mole women find out that the crank the reverend made them turn was generating electricity for his private tube in the bunker, a furious Kimmy yells, “This sucks!”)
Ahead, we’ve compiled all of Kimmy’s fake cursing moments, in chronological order. If a non-curse word is repeated more than once, the best instances appear here.
What in the ham sandwich?
What the fudge?
Dang this fancy comb.
This is so wack.
What the h-e-double … no, you know what? What the hell.
Deborah in the office says one more s-c-r-e-w up and you’ll never teach again.
Get up there and give him heck for fudge’s sake, goshdangit.
This blows chunks.
My boss is being a real b-i-t of a j-e-r-k.
Gosh darn mommy fudger.
Golly gee whillikers.
This is my birthday, dagnabbit.
I’m gonna make waffles out of him.*
Shut your wet mouth.
Hold the pickles.
Well, fudge that sugar. Fudge it to heck, where a demon with a thousand wee-wees fudges it forever.
Jeepers H. Christmas.
Aw, cracker on a cracker.
What the Hellman’s mayonnaise was that?
What in the hello, operator, please give me number nine?
What the huh?
Jeepers, Terry, and Broseph.**
This sucks eggs.
Get out back and hold the monkey.
What the Helvetica Bold?
She rolls total dice.
*We know this means something really bad in Durnsville.
** Terry is Jesus’ crazy stepbrother, according to the reverend.
***A new local bakery’s take on the Pop-Tart, because both those words are gendered.