The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: No New Friends

The Real Housewives of Dallas

Mouth of the South
Season 1 Episode 4
Editor’s Rating 3 stars

The Real Housewives of Dallas

Mouth of the South
Season 1 Episode 4
Editor’s Rating 3 stars
Stephanie Hollman.

Hey friendships! You know how the #ImWithHer is meant for people who support Hillary Clinton? Well, after tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas, that hashtag also means that I’m with Cary. Every single face she made in response LeeAnne’s general behavior (as well as during the LeeAnne–Brandi fight) is exactly what I felt while watching those ladies go at it. And that, to be honest, might be the problem with this season.

Although we’ve seen some fun moments — the stripper shenanigans come to mind — people too often act like gahtdamn fools. Even worse, folks are about as interesting as a plate of lemon-dressed asparagus (ahem, Stephanie), or they’re just too down-to-earth for reality TV, so they don’t do much. There is really no one to root for. Without any charming or engaging personalities, there’s nothing to save a lackluster episode like “Mouth of the South.” The season is still relying too heavily on this boring theme of “Who is doing charity correctly?” Sorry, but bragging about charity is not the point of being charitable. If you want to give back, great. You should. But if you’re doing so to gain status, you’re actual and literal human garbage. Let’s get into tonight’s episode, shall we?

We start with Brandi and Bryan hanging out with their kids. Things seem to be way less racy between the couple, which is good, but in the confessional, Brandi essentially says that her kids will do anything to get their father’s attention because he’s not home too often. That, boos and baes, is not good. Oof. Brandi then informs her hubby that Stephanie wants to visit her fam (with Brandi and the kids) in Coweta, Oklahoma. Bryan could not be more bored by this information. Dang. I mean, what is the point of being married if you don’t take an interest in your spouse’s life? Just be single and eat DiGiorno’s pizza every night. At least Brandi has Stephanie. Sigh. Speaking of Steph, she and her boys arrive later that day to pick up Brandi and her girls. And that one-minute montage of kids crying, dogs barking, and Stephanie saying under her breath, “I hate my life,” should be played on loop, A Clockwork Orange–style, as a form of birth control.

Then we catch up with LeeAnne, who is going on and on about all the things she does for charity. Good. For. Your. Damn. Self. Anyway, she is visiting a wealthy, powerful woman named Heidi, who she’s hoping will join the board of a charity that helps women with HIV. Great cause, but it honestly feels like Heidi only agreed because LeeAnne brought a big, fat camera. Her yes is less “YES!” and more like:

It’s not like Heidi is opposed to this cause. She certainly isn’t — LeeAnne is just a lot to deal with it. Next, we see LeeAnne at Paws Cause, a charity for dogs. (ADORBS!) Her love of pets defrosts my ice-cold heart, like a carton of Ben & Jerry’s on a hot summer day. And then, she ruins the moment. In the confessional, she yammers on about how EVERYBODY asks her to do charity work for them because she’s so good at it. Again, bragging is not the point of charity. Thankfully, this scene ends because Marie and Tiffany show up. Tiffany pulls the other two women aside to talk some more ignorance about #PoopHatGate. Marie is like, “So at the cocktail party, Brandi and Stephanie are going to be there. Is that fine?” LeeAnne is like, “Totally!” but we all know that when Marie’s party goes down, LeeAnne will be like:

We jump to Stephanie’s parents’ house, which initially seems kind of normal and down-to-earth. All of a sudden, Stephanie and her father wax nostalgic about going for a stroll through the cemetery because … it was relaxing? (LOL, WUT?) And then, Brandi and Stephanie make deviled eggs, which Brandi says smell like Steph’s fart. (LMAO, HUH?) After that, the two ladies explain Uber to Stephanie’s sister, Tiffanie, to which Tiff responds, “Oh, when we get too drunk to drive, we just call AAA and they will tow your car home for you.” (ROFL, DA FUQ?) And that, my friends, concludes the Laughing the Ignorance Away trilogy. All this foolishness aside, Stephanie’s family seems really sweet and very close, which is something I know Brandi wishes she had in her life. Stephanie’s family is so tight that, at one point, Brandi says it makes her uncomfortable because she’s never had that. Aww, sorry boo! You’re not alone — a lot of families aren’t super-tight. I know that’s not a great silver lining, but it’s something. And this family hang turns out be more than just “something.” It inspires Brandi to call her grandparents and she talks to her grandpa for the first time. She tears up, I tear up, and I can’t wait for these two to finally meet. So sweet!

We catch up with Cary and Mark, who share a tender moment at work. He wants to go home and have sex and then Cary is like, “Instead of boning you, I’m going to go to yoga with Tiffany.” Amahzing. We then watch the two ladies do yoga. Tiffany is not that good, but Cary is incredible at it and now we know why Mark is DTF. After the workout session, Tiffany is trying to force the issue again about everyone being friends. Goodness! Cary, LeeAnne, Steph, and Brandi are never going to be bosom buddies. Tiffany trying to force everyone to be friends is the “fetch” of this series. She just needs to go to LeeAnne and say, “I’m a grown-ass woman and can be friends with anyone I choose. Stop making a face every time I tell you that I’m hanging with someone else.” Of course, she’s not going to do that, so Cary and the rest of us will have to put up with what will surely be a disaster when all the ladies get together. Sidenote: If the cameras were not on, I think Tiffany and Cary would be best friends. Moving on.

It’s the night of Marie’s cocktail party and all the gals are getting ready. LeeAnne just wants to have fun, but Stephanie and Brandi start talking about how Brandi should confront LeeAnne at the party. (Seriously?! Don’t do it!) Everyone arrives and we meet some random black lady named Erica, who is friends with LeeAnne. LOL. This is like that one season of Friends when they introduce Aisha Tyler to be like, “LOOK! Black person. Here! With us! Everything okay, right?” Anyway, Tiffany pulls Brandi aside to make her case for friendship. LeeAnne is watching this from afar and makes this face:

This face will be made every single time Tiffany does something that LeeAnne doesn’t like. If this were a drinking game, we would be wasted in 17 minutes. Let’s not drink and just watch this mess instead. Cool? Great.

So LeeAnne and Erica are talking about … LeeAnne. Cary comes over to be friendly and LeeAnne goes, “Erica, this is Cary. She thinks I’m fake.” WHAT THE BOOT SCOOTIN’, COTTON-EYED-JOE FUCK, LEEANNE? You can’t talk about how it’s hard to make friends and then pull nonsense that clearly shows why you don’t have friends. Why would you intentionally make a situation uncomfortable for someone like Cary, who clearly doesn’t want the drama? Even if Cary does feel that way, this is not the time or place for LeeAnne to bring it up. This is not how you make a formal introduction between strangers. Ay-yi-yi.

Across the party, we met a gay dude named Taylor, which is only relevant because Marie is like, “This is the only man who is allowed to attend the all-girl cocktail parties.” UGH. You know what? I hate the narrative of, “This gay guy is basically a girl.” No, he is a man. Quit emasculating dudes and perpetuating the ridiculous heteronomative standards that determine what qualifies a man as a man. Being a dude who’s into dudes doesn’t make you “girlie.” Get a grip, y’all! Anyway, Taylor wastes no time hating on LeeAnne to Marie. Then, he tells Brandi and Stephanie that LeeAnne is difficult to work with (makes sense), that she’s a bully (probably), and that one time she shat herself. Ummmmmmm, maybe let’s not talk about that?! This conversation is just mean. As much as LeeAnne sucks, Brandi and Stephanie suck for engaging in gossip about someone who is in the same room as they are. It’s actually sad to watch LeeAnne spy on the trio (even though she can’t hear what they say) because she creates situations in which she ostracizes herself, behaves in a way that is very confrontational, and then clearly feels hurt when she is left out.

Later on, Tiffany goes over to chat with Brandi, who is also hanging out with Cary and Stephanie. Brandi is complaining about LeeAnne having that “Brandi trash-talking lunch” with Cary and Stephanie. Hold up. That’s a good point, but isn’t Brandi calling LeeAnne a “bitch” to Tiffany just as bad at LeeAnne talking about her behind her back? If everyone is stank about everyone behind each other’s back, then what the hell is the problem? All of them are ignorant, so no one should feel hurt. I’m confused.tumblr.com. The confusion deepens because TIFFANY GETS LEEANNE SO THAT BRANDI AND LEEANNE CAN TALK THIS OUT. Tiff, baby girl, you must know this is a bad idea. Brandi is a condescending smart aleck. LeeAnne is aggressive. How the hell do you think this is going to end? The answer is “badly,” as Cary’s face shows:

This is a goofy-ass mess, y’all! LeeAnne says that the trash-talking lunch was not malicious in intent — gurl, please — and Brandi responds with, “You are full of shit,” which causes Marie to do this:

You’d think that means that everyone would walk away, but nope! Marie, Stephanie, and Cary move in closer to watch this trainwreck, and I instantly love these nosy women. I would do the same thing. Brandi and LeeAnne are arguing about the impressions and how LeeAnne is selfish. Then, they each claim that the other has no idea what they have been through. Brandi goes, “You put your life in the tabloids so people will talk about you,” and I’m confused because I don’t think anyone even heard about LeeAnne until RHOD came out, but sure, let’s all pretend like people are abuzz with LeeAnne gossip. LeeAnne gets fed up, pours her drink on the ground, and then slams her glass on a table. So unnecessary. Stephanie says it isn’t classy — and all the ladies agree — yet LeeAnne curses Steph out until she starts crying. Only then does LeeAnne walk away. YIKES! That’s when Cary does the greatest thing in the short history of this short: She says, “Um, LeeAnne spilled wine on my dress.” Cary is my shero. She knows that a wine stain is inconsequential in the moment, but she still brings it up. Cary doesn’t give a damn about anything but yoga, watching people act a fool while she collects checks, and looking good. I love it.

Right after we cut back to a sobbing Stephanie, we get hit with a “To Be Continued … ” cliffhanger. YES! Looking forward to part two, when Tiffany gets fed up with LeeAnne.

Alrighty, what did you think of tonight’s episode? Do you think that Brandi and LeeAnne are both bullies in their own ways?

Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: No New Friends