The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Public Enemy No. 1

The Real Housewives of Dallas

Black and Blues
Season 1 Episode 7
Editor’s Rating 3 stars

The Real Housewives of Dallas

Black and Blues
Season 1 Episode 7
Editor’s Rating 3 stars
Stephanie Hollman. Photo: Bravo

Did I wake up in a world where the sky is purple and broccoli is blue? How the hell did Cary’s boring ass become the new enemy on The Real Housewives of Dallas? Isn’t it pretty obvious that LeeAnne should be the villain on this show? None of this makes sense! And that’s not the only thing that’s confusing me. Why is Tiffany friends with LeeAnne? Why are they trying to force Heidi on us? How is Stephanie a better emotional companion to Brandi than Bryan? All in all, I don’t really know what is happening in this episode, but I am here for the unnecessary drama, so let’s discuss everything. Cool?

We start off with Heidi (who is dressed like a 50-year-old white woman who just banged her first black dude), Tiffany, and LeeAnne having brunch. Heidi is apparently an important figure in the charity world, but Tiffany is like, “I never really see you at any charity events. I guess you do charity a different way.”

That is some perfect low-key shade. She gets the dig in and then is like, “But you do it anonymously,” to which Heidi says that the point of charity is not to make a big deal that you’re being philanthropic. You’re supposed to do charitable acts because you care. Snaps to the camera and editing department for cutting to LeeAnne because that is a message she needs to hear loud and clear — even if she thinks it’s not directed at her. (See?! This is why she should be the Housewife villain. Not Cary.)

Tiffany is doing an event to raise money for Light of Tomorrow, which provides lighting and solar power to third-world countries. And her bae is going to perform. Cute! Heidi is onboard, and she’ll bring some pals who will bring the dolla-dolla bills. Yay! This pleasant moment is ruined, of course, because they start gossiping about Cary and Heidi says she got her man by “getting on her knees under his desk.” Uhhhhhhh.

Speaking of Cary, she and Mark are at work. The photos they took last week for their website have driven up business. Cool. During a surgery, we learn that it’s their wedding anniversary — she forgot and he didn’t. Lol. There is a whole lot of talk of his present (a.k.a. sex) while everyone else in the room is like, “Uhhhhhhh.” Later in the episode, Cary and Mark are chilling at home and toasting to their anniversary. He then surprises her with a fancy dress from Roberto Cavalli. I’m not a big materialistic person, but my heart melts a little bit whenever he showers her with gifts. I get it. I’ve had baes I just wanted to treat like kings. Cary loves the dress, promises him sex, and then says she got him a little present.

It’s a gahtdamn Hallmark card.

Look, I get that Cary does not like celebrations as much as he does, but this is trash. A card? Even though she knew he would go all out, she doesn’t care because the only present she apparently needs to provide is a blowy? Sorry, but sex is not a gift. That is wack. Put some effort into this, Cary. Do something that requires thought and shows you listen to him. Like, for example: Take Mark on a trip to Switzerland because he is obsessed with the place. Pamper him the way he does on the regs. I love Cary, but she’s just lazy here. Get it together, boo.

Across town, Brandi and her mom are chatting on the phone. Her brother Michael suffers from PTSD and tried to take his own life. OMG. That is so devastating. I cannot imagine what it’s like to be Brandi. She’s in the middle of a troubled marriage and her brother is clearly in deep pain. Poor Brandi. And just when I didn’t think my heart could break for her much more, she says in the confessional that Stephanie is always there for her when Bryan isn’t. Oof. I really hope things get better. There might be a glimmer of hope because, later in the episode, she and bae meet up for lunch. He apologies for his behavior, for not being there for her when her grandparents were in town, and for making her feel alone. He wants to put in more effort. Awesome. This all sounds great, but I need to see some damn action because Bryan has been slacking for years. Call me unimpressed. Prove it to her, dude, or get your shit and leave.

So Tiff and LeeAnne are hanging out and discussing Brandi’s brother. Hearing about real-life struggles with PTSD makes LeeAnne put things into perspective, so she wants to squash all the drama and make amends with Stephanie, Cary, and Brandi. Just kidding about Cary. For some reason, throwing a drink and getting glass on Cary’s dress is not worthy of apology. Also, just kidding about Brandi. LeeAnne feels guilty, but not enough to apologize. One outta three ain’t bad, I guess?

So LeeAnne and Stephanie meet for lunch and Stephanie accepts her apology, but deep down, she knows LeeAnne doesn’t care. Why would it take a damn near month to realize that you shouldn’t cuss someone out when that person did nothing to you? LeeAnne did it because she’s a bully; she knew that Stephanie wouldn’t clap back. Once a bully, always a bully. And I’m not here for LeeAnne’s excuse that she was hurt as a child. Not to dismiss that trauma, but Stephanie had nothing to do with her childhood. She did not say anything that warrants or triggers that reaction. Take responsibility for being an emotional time bomb, LeeAnne! Also, go to therapy to work on your issues.

It’s the night of the Light for Tomorrow event. House of Blues is packed. Aaron kills it during the concert and dedicates one of the songs to Brandi’s brother Michael, which makes everyone tear up. I gotta say, I love how everyone is rallying around Brandi. It’s very sweet. Meanwhile, LeeAnne is unnecessarily bitching about Tiff’s faux-hawk. Oh shut up, LeeAnne. Who the hell cares what you think about that? Speaking of unnecessary, Heidi invites Cary to her house for a “Gothic state fair” theme party. A couple things:

  1. What does this theme even mean?
  2. Hasn’t Heidi been going around town saying derogatory things about Cary? Hasn’t Heidi called Cry a homewrecker who’s only good for giving head? Is Heidi seriously inviting Cary to her crib so they can split a DiGiorno now?

This is so two-faced and I’m over it. Heidi continues by saying to Brandi and Cary, “I would love to get my hands on you. I do makeup and I like to keep myself busy with projects.” For real, though? Saying that to two people who are obviously wearing makeup implies their makeup skills are hot garbage. Unless she is extremely stupid, Heidi’s trifling behind knows she is reading them like they are The Hunger Games series, so for her to be mad when Cary claps back with, “Oh yeah, because you’re 60, so you know how to do a lot of things” is ignorant. Heidi, you are straight-up Petty LaBelle. You do not like Cary, you look for any opportunity to diss her, but you think it’s wildly inappropriate for Cary to check you for being an ass? Come on. And LeeAnne: You are ridiculous for acting like Cary is inappropriate when you know doggone well that Heidi made the first dig. Moving on.

The “Gothic state fair” party is here and everyone is talking about corn dogs and Frito pie, which is chili with Fritos, cheese, and sour cream on top. I had that all the time in fifth grade. Why are they acting like Frito pie is escargot?! This is not that big of a deal! Oy. What is a big deal, though, is LeeAnne and Rick’s conversation about Cary. As far as they’re concerned, Cary pushes buttons (i.e. stands up for herself) and the rumor is that she and Mark hooked up before their previous marriages were over. Rick immediately goes, “Don’t say that. That’s just a rumor. Don’t spread that around.” THANK YOU! But even if it is true, let’s break down this hate for Cary.

Can Cary be a little bit aloof? Sure. Does she throw shade? Obvs, but so does everyone else. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t get cast on this show. Did her and Mark’s relationship start out in shady terms? Possibly. My main question is this: Why are so many of the ladies mad at Cary, but not particularly mad at Mark? They’re friends with his ex-wife, but still. It took both Cary and Mark to break up their marriages, so to say she’s a peen slurper and then act all nice to him is trash. Either you hate them both or you don’t hate either of them. Don’t be selective with this. You’re just perpetuating the notion that women are homewreckers and men who cheat are innocent dudes caught in sex traps. He is a grown-ass adult. If he cheated, he made a poor choice. Just like Cary did. Don’t be friggin’ hypocrites, ladies.

While LeeAnne spreads potentially false gossip, Cary gets ready for the party, even though it doesn’t seem like she wants to go because she knows Heidi and LeeAnne don’t like her. I’m glad she’s going because this episode needs some fireworks. Cary and her friend, Courtney, arrive late to the party and there’s a lot of tension, so instead of greeting Heidi and LeeAnne, Cary just hangs out with Heidi’s dog, Ralph, for five minutes. LOL.com. After all the shit Heidi has talked about Cary, she is upset that Cary didn’t greet her with a hug. LOL.gov. Everyone’s a dumb-ass right now. Cary should’ve skipped this party. Heidi shouldn’t be wondering why Cary didn’t greet her with open arms. #JourneySongReference.

Things are super-tense, as the partygoers split off into two groups to talk about how weird everything feels. And then it gets awkward because everyone is like, “Let’s all hang out together.” After they’re one big group again, Heidi is like, “Cary is going to give us a demonstration on the corn dog.”

L to the O to the L. This is Real Housewives gold. Cary recovers nicely: She says that she doesn’t demonstrate on corn dogs and that she only does BJs on her husband. The room is pretty much silent until Cary and Courtney leave. On a scale of one to ten, we can safely say this get-together is a perfect ten in the terrible department. I’m #TeamCary; Heidi sucks, but I like her as a villain, so I hope she’ll be around more often. I’m also happy that Stephanie has somehow missed all the drama. She has no knowledge of the Cary/Mark rumors or why people dislike Cary! Stephanie, you sweet angel, don’t ever change.

Alrighty, what did you think of tonight’s episode? Do you think Cary is being unfairly judged?

RHOD Recap: Public Enemy No. 1