The Bachelorette Recap: Death to Tyrants

The Bachelorette

Week Five
Season 12 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating 2 stars

The Bachelorette

Week Five
Season 12 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating 2 stars
JoJo. Photo: ABC

It’s time for the inevitable fallout from eliminating the only contesticle who creates any conflict. The CHAD vacuum has been opened, so that space is immediately filled with a dozen other douchebags looking to grab their eight-and-a-half minutes of fame and lock lips with our dear JoJo. Let’s see who rises to the occasion.

Our first contender for Douchebag King is Wells, who stages an elaborate funeral for the CHAD by declaring the CHAD to be “the worst person anyone has ever met.” Okay, settle down. The CHAD was just kind of annoying. He was a little rude when everyone was also rude to him. Meanwhile, the CHAD is riding a bear through the forest to reclaim the seat of House Fat Bird. He’s whistling his house’s song as he storms through the wood. As the contesticles toast to the death of tyrants (a thing they actually say — whoever thinks women are more dramatic needs to watch 39 seconds of The Bachelorette), the CHAD shows up and demands to be let into House Fat Bird. His former ally Daniel lets him in, then asks, “What’s up, dude?” Yes, what indeed is up.

The CHAD briefly recaps his date to Daniel, telling him that Alex only talked about the CHAD the entire time, which is not untrue. The CHAD thinks that JoJo couldn’t understand what a man has to do when he’s backed into a corner by a baker’s dozen of other guys. Jordan of House Failed Quarterback tries to broker a peace accord between the CHAD and the rest of the contesticles by asking the CHAD to just apologize so everyone can move on.

Don’t these guys realize they don’t technically have to deal with the CHAD anymore? A PA took his suitcase. He’s got a flight out of the Nemacolin airport in an hour. The CHAD is just about to leave when Evan of House Petty AF asks if the CHAD has his wallet. He wants the CHAD to buy him a new shirt.


And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

The contesticles chant Dragon Slayer in honor of Alex of House Chickenhawk, then slam a cake into his face. It’s time for the cocktail party. JoJo lets the contesticles know how seriously she’s taking this process and Chase puts her in a zorb to show her how seriously he’s taking it. Robby takes JoJo aside to make a wish in the fountain for … oh, let’s say a shiny piece of jewelry in about 42 to 43 days. They make out in front of the fountain and all of the guys stare at them. James F. wrote JoJo a poem about her heart being a treasure. It makes JoJo cry. We should get points in Fantasy Bachelorette for making JoJo cry. This needs to be a real category because that girl weeps all the dang time at the weakest displays of affection.

At this cocktail party, the “gentleman’s agreement” is out the window: Contesticles who got roses last week are stealing JoJo away, which makes Alex even more obnoxious. He’s still comparing himself to other dudes, and without the CHAD, he just compares himself to the general concept of men. Luke and JoJo stare into each other’s eyes and Luke tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and JoJo says, “Thank you.” C’mon, girl. You gotta try harder when it comes to responding to genuine human emotion. Can’t you cry on command?

Evan, Derek, and Wells talk about the lack of the common enemy and how all these other guys are going to step up and turn into micro CHADs. I guess they could only get along for so long.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells (wearing a shirt with a collar that’s two sizes too big), Grant, Vinny (WHO ARE YOU?), James Tee, and Evan (*eye roll*) all get roses.

Let’s take show on the road and leave House Fat Bird. It’s time to go where South America’s elite go to play: Uruguay. Um … sure? James Tee doesn’t know where Uruguay is, but he’s excited to go meet all those South American goats we get some B-roll of.

JoJo is on the beach in Punta del Este. She’s got 11 guys left and the most important thing is to figure out who she can trust. The first date card south of the Equator goes to Jordan. No one is excited. Everyone hates him. Jordan has clearly been the guy to beat until Luke put his entire hand up JoJo’s behind. None of the contesticles trust Jordan — and apparently neither does JoJo. Her vagina is blinded by his face and hair, but her heart, oh her heart.

Vinny and Wells are reading an In Touch in a makeshift barbershop Vinny set up. Cedric the Entertainer just hangs out in the background as an old man. JoJo’s jilted boyfriend, who is also named Chad, did a tell-all with In Touch about how JoJo is still in love with him and they were sneaking around during Ben’s season, which would explain that random bouquet on her hometown date.

Robby will be going on a solo date with JoJo while Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Grant, Wells, and Alex will get to go sandboarding with her. Meanwhile, JoJo grills Jordan about his past. She met his ex-girlfriend at some sort of meeting for women who date reality-TV personalities, I guess. Jordan says that while he never exactly cheated, he’s still a dirtbag. JoJo gives him a rose.

When JoJo goes back to her hotel, she’s floating on air and a cast member from UnREAL hands her a copy of In Touch. JoJo’s response is to just go “Eww, are you kidding me?” and then she breaks down crying. Ex-Chad needed her help when he was hurting and she opened her heart because she’s got a big heart.

She puts on a duster and goes to allay the contesticles’ fears. She tells the guys that she’s there for the right reasons. Seriously, can I draft JoJo for my team? James Tee says that no one cries like that with a guilty conscience. Is James Tee some sort of forensic psychologist?

JoJo goes on her group date with the guys and it’s just a wacky montage of the guys falling while they attempt to sandboard. Derek knows he’s getting jealous, so he knows he really cares. Which … yikes. Derek asks JoJo for some reassurances, so she gives him the group-date rose because that’s how that works. On her date with Robby, they try on dumb hats, jump off a cliff together, and he tells her he’s in love with her. He also spins a sad story of his best friend driving off a bridge into the tale of how he ended up sitting with the most beautiful girl in all of Uruguay.

Host Chris comes into the mansion and tells the guys that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight, but before the rose ceremony, Derek of House Halpert takes Robby, Jordan, Alex, and Chase aside to confront them about their Mean Girl antics. Derek isn’t pathetic because he asked JoJo for a rose to prove she likes him. Jordan calls him petty and Alex says it shows how insecure he is. OKAY, ALEX.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony.

Luke, Chase, Alex, James Tee, and Wells all get roses.

Good-bye Vinny of House Who the Fuck Are you.

Good-bye Grant of House So Fine.

Good-bye Evan of House Mr. Zorg. You won’t be missed.

Next week, it’s off to Buenos Aires!

The Bachelorette Recap: Death to Tyrants