Noah’s Ark FAQs, by Matt Stofsky

Good Morning Everyone,

As you’ve no doubt heard, a Great Flood is coming to cleanse the world of sin. We wanted to address some big questions that keep coming up­­. Questions like, “What does this mean for me?” and “How will this affect my family?”

To be clear, you and your family will almost certainly drown in the deluge. That being said, here at God, Inc. we are all about transparency. To help you navigate the ins and outs of the upcoming Doomsday, we’ve compiled a list of Frequently Asked Questions spanning topics such as Noah, the Ark, the Flood itself, and more.

*Note: Please read the FAQs in their entirety before writing in with further questions.

Q: What is the mysterious wooden contraption Noah has been building for several moons?

A: That’s the Ark. As in “Noah’s Ark.”

Q: Who are you?

A: I am the Archangel Gabriel, Project Manager.

Q: Will this flooding be comparable to the flooding we experienced last Ank?

A: No. This flood will be unlike anything you can possibly imagine. Its intent is to purge the world of sin and begin anew. It will be much, much worse than the flooding of last Ank.

Q: How large will the Ark be?

A: 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits, as per divine writ. For more technical specs, please check out the “Technical Specs” scroll.

Q: Who gets a spot on the Ark?

A: Noah, his immediate family, and two of every clean animal.

Q: Can my clean animal come on the ark?

A: No. We only take the cleanest animals. If your animal was one of the cleanest, we would’ve heard of it by now. Sorry, but you and your inferior animal will have to stay behind and drown in the deluge.

Q: Can I come on the Ark?

A: Anyone who is coming on the Ark found out weeks ago.

Q: Which god would be best to curse for the impending apocalypse?

A: While we know it’s tempting to curse the old Sumerian gods such as Enki, God of Freshwater, or possibly even Ereshkigal, Goddess of the Underworld, please direct all of your impotent rage to the One True God.

Q: What did we do to deserve this terrible fate?

A: It was a combination of your greed, your lust, and your sinful pride. The aforementioned false gods didn’t help either.

Q: Why was Noah chosen to be saved instead of me?

A: Noah is a pious and deserving servant of the Most High. Also, he had the most wood.

Q: If only Noah and his family are allowed on the Ark, won’t all future generations be horribly inbred?

A: This is an area in which we are constantly improving. Thank you for your patience.

Q: Why is Noah bringing birds on the Ark? I hate birds.

A: Your personal preferences are irrelevant, as only Noah’s immediate family will be on the Ark. You will almost certainly drown in the deluge.

Q: Will there be any other Arks?

A: Noah’s Ark is the only Ark being constructed with Divine assistance. You are welcome to pursue your own Ark­building opportunities on your own time. Regardless of any preventative measures you take, you will almost certainly drown in the deluge.

Q: Will I almost certainly drown in the deluge?

A: …Yes.

Q: Does the impending cataclysm have anything to do with the Tower of Babel?

A: I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. You can’t imagine how annoying it is to learn how to say “You will almost certainly drown in the deluge” in 300 different languages.

Q: What if I survive the deluge?

A: The postdiluvian landscape will be patrolled by a “clean­up crew” of heavily-­armed angels, who will ensure that humanity’s destruction is complete and total.

Q: What should I do in preparation for the Flood?

A: We recommend using your last moments to atone for your sins and reflect on whatever skeletons in your personal closet may have contributed to the end of humanity as you know it. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to your brother-­in-­law; a little more patient with your kids; a little more subtle about siphoning pig grease from your neighbor.

Q: What if I have more questions in the coming days?

A: We will be shutting down our administrative facilities effective on the Second of Ungor. Any further inquiries can be directed via agonized shriek to the Heavens.

Q: Will this be a one­time Act of God?

A: Yes. After the Flood, the level of the world’s oceans will be left in the capable hands of future generations.

Matt Stofsky is a writer and comedian in NYC. You can catch him the first Friday of every month in “The Fun Fun Fun Show” at Legion Bar in Brooklyn, and you can catch him most other times looking confused in a bodega. Check out his website.

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Noah’s Ark FAQs, by Matt Stofsky