@AllieWach on Advice, Stars, and Getting Personal

Allie Wach is an aspiring Instagram honey with a birth chart identical to Lindsay Lohan’s. She is 1/3 of the world’s only living podcast, Amateur Hour, which she hosts with two of the most beautiful women in the world. You can listen on Soundcloud or iTunes. This week Wach spoke to me about three of her favorite tweets. We also talked about Pinterest witches, Xanga users, and hurt feelings.

Wach: I was at a Pinterest witch party that my friend who works at Anthropologie invited me to. My friend is absolutely addicted to working at Anthropologie and she HATES when I call her a Pinterest witch, but once I gave her a crystal from Target and I didn’t tell her it was from Target and she said it healed her so I don’t know. You tell me. Anyways I was at the Pinterest witch party and my friend starts doing lines off the ouija board with one of her coworkers, which I found insanely disrespectful in addition to being dumb as hell. They offered me some but I politely declined because even if they were just Pinterest witches, what if i really did accidentally summon all manner of demons into my nasal cavity??? I’m not physically or spiritually strong enough to weather an exorcism and honestly I have enough problems thank you. For example I am at an Anthropologie staff Summer Solstice party and I ate two weed brownies.

Do you tweet more often when you’re out or when you’re at home? Are those two kinds of tweets very different?

I think I tweet the most when I’m at home, because I’m usually supposed to be doing something else, like reading or learning how to read. But regardless of where I’m at my tweet process is usually just to drink 3-7 beers and say something ignorant. Or to post a selfie. Is it too late to make all three of my favorite tweets selfies?

What are your favorite things to tweet about?

I mostly just tweet about myself. I don’t know how to read. I don’t know what the news is, let alone watch or keep up with it. I also tweet a lot about Danny Trejo. Does he think I’m pretty? I really just like to tweet about my experience though of being a brilliant and sexy young 20-something whose teeth are falling out of her head.

Not to be dramatic but if you hurt my feelings or break my heart you don’t deserve miracles or nature or honestly to feel any joy. I don’t make the rules. I feel like in love story movies about like, hot 30-year-old teens who are dying of cancer or whatever they’re always like, “If you ever feel lonely just look up we’re looking up at the same moon.” This is the opposite of that. Don’t look at my moon, don’t look at my stars. You can have your own ugly bad and dying stars, in the garbage. Why did you hook up with my best friend on New Year’s Eve.

Have you noticed your voice on Twitter change at all since you started? How does your Twitter voice compare to your voice IRL/ in other writing?

I don’t think my voice has really changed because I’ve never really been a person Writing Tweets. I’ve always just been pretty openly a huge beautiful dumbass who has a compulsion to record their every thought on the internet. That’s not just a Twitter thing, though. I’ve been doing that since I had a Xanga in middle school. (NOT a Livejournal. There’s a difference, and Xanga was for sluts!!) I tweet exactly how I talk. There’s been change of course, because I’ve been on Twitter for (redacted) and people change. But there hasn’t been a shift in voice really. I think people who read my tweets are lowkey surprised to find out that I’m an otherwise beautiful writer, though. Which I am. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself the voice of our generation but some people might.

In terms of curing my pussy I’ve basically tried everything that witches and/or strangers from the internet guarantee works: healing crystal dildos, a clove of garlic, a potion from etsy. But as my close personal friend Kylie Jenner said, 2016 is the year of realizing things, and I realized that it’s time to stop putting yogurt in my vagina. It just doesn’t belong up there, y’all! The science is faulty, and Etsy witches are liars and betrayers. Anyways, it turns out that there are “doctors” and “medicines” that clear that sort of thing right up. I also invested in some fancy probiotics from Whole Foods, which i let expire and I assume are still sitting in my fridge to this day. I love health!!

Do you have any advice you’d give to other people tweeting?

My main advice would be to stop. Go clean your sneakers. Get your real estate license. Learn how to make your own preserves. Call your grandma. Oh she did? When? I’m so sorry I had no idea. Give my love to your family. The point is. Cut it out! If you feel like you absolutely have to tweet, my advice would be to just be yourself. Make jokes that feel authentic to you. It can be easy to accidentally lose your voice when you’re taking in so much all the time. Unless you aren’t funny, or you suck. Then maybe just retweet me or manually retweet me with a little cry laughing emoji. I love that guy.

Is there anything that feels too personal for Twitter, or other stuff that you go out of your way to not tweet about?

I would literally give anything to feel like something is too personal for Twitter. Tragically I was born a Cancer which means it was written in the stars for me to be addicted to being earnest and emotional. I tweet about getting my feelings hurt a lot because I get my feelings hurt a lot and sometimes it’s like, why am I being so vulnerable to all these strangers but ultimately it’s my Twitter!!! Bitch!! Oh wait do you mean like sex stuff? Nah.

Jenny Nelson lives and writes in Brooklyn.

@AllieWach on Advice, Stars, and Getting Personal