Bachelor in Paradise
Evan. Evan. Evan. I can’t even sugarcoat it. Literally everything this human equivalent of a macramé leather cuff does gives me full-on body cringes. He’s more awkward than a seventh-grade dance. He’s more awkward than getting a boner at a public pool. He’s more awkward than your mom showing your boyfriend a picture from your headgear days. I cannot with anything he does. He needs to be put into a cannon and fired off into space. The man said “friend zone” non-ironically. Do you think he’s a subscriber to r/TheRedPill?
Because the girl he was interested in told him she wasn’t interested in him, Evan decides that he still deserves love and goes after Amanda because he originally came here for her. What? He goes over to Amanda and Josh trying to swallow each other’s entire faces and presents his homemade date card. This is like when my friend Christy made a fake Valentine from a fake boyfriend to make her seventh-grade, on-again-off-again boyfriend jealous. I was exhausted then and I’m exhausted now. Amanda agrees to help this man with a broken arm get a couch into his van. Evan tells her he’s been watching her from afar and wants to know if there’s any place in her heart for him.
EVAN. NO. STOP. PLEASE. STOP.
While Evan professes his love for Amanda, Josh, who I realized looks like he’d be the villain in a white Tyler Perry movie, orders a frozen pizza and someone in the editing room thought this was hilarious. Amanda starts crying because Evan deserves love. Does he? Does he when he acts like this? Evan says he sees a spark in her eye. That spark is pity, Evan. She goes back to Josh, and he revels that the woman he’s marked as his property is in high demand. Do you think Josh is a subscriber of r/FuckingDoucheBag?
It’s time for the rose ceremony. The women are giving out the roses and two of the men will go home. There’s going to be a little cocktail party. Christian and Daniel try to woo Sarah. Daniel continues to display real emotion and tells Sarah that he likes her. The twins don’t think Brandon is a good choice for A Twin because he couldn’t tell when they did a switcharoo. That’s not a criterion for dating.
After being rejected twice in one day, Evan roams around and realizes there’s something he’s gotta do before he leaves. There’s nothing you’ve got to do, buddy. Evan decides it’s time to save Amanda from Josh. This paternalistic bullshit isn’t sweet. It isn’t romantic. It’s creepy. Please go home. You’re making everyone uncomfortable. He tells Amanda that Josh is an asshole, but Amanda is young and wants to find somebody, so she keeps making out with Josh.
Another issue with this season is that the women are sooooo young and some of the men are much older and also terrible people. Putting the CHAD and Josh in isolation with impressionable drunk women in their early twenties is a terrible idea.
Josh spins the whole thing like Evan (and eventually Nick) is trying to sabotage his relationship with Amanda. And yes, they are; Josh is still the guy who bets that he can sleep with the most girls by graduation in American Pie 17. Josh speaks in Chicken Soup for the Bachelor’s Soul chapter titles. Amanda knows she’s going to take everyone’s advice to heart, and then promptly looks at Josh’s pecs.
Time for the Rose Ceremony! Lace and Grant stay together. Izzy gives her rose to Vinny. Emily gives her to Jared. Amanda picks Josh because of course she does. Sarah picks Daniel, which sends adorable puppy Christian home. And Carly picks … Evan. GIRL, WHY? Girl, do not do this. If you tell a guy you don’t like him, don’t then give him a symbol of romantic love. Evan then says, “I haven’t closed the door on Carly. She has closed the door on me. Maybe she forgot to lock it and I can sneak back in.” He’s the fucking worst. He’s worse than someone like the CHAD or Josh because he thinks he’s better than them.
Haley gives her rose to Nick because he deserves to find love.
The next day, it’s time for another woman to arrive, and OH SHIT, it’s Caila. She’s basically Bachelor Nation’s ideal woman and the only woman of color it’s apparently acceptable to love. Every man freaks the hell out, and every woman is nervous. Caila is basically a Disney princess and she’s got a date card. She picks Jared and he makes a big deal about wanting to do right by Emily and asks her permission several times before he goes out with Caila. Whatever dude. You’ve known Emily like three days and kissed her once. It’s kosher. Caila and Jared ride horses and fall in love. Caila doesn’t have a nip-slip despite horseback riding in an off-the-shoulder top. She might be a Disney princess for real.
We also get a Bachelor in Paradise first: A DOUBLE DATE! It’s not your average double date with your least awful friends from work. It’s Vinny/Izzy/Lace/Grant. Vinizlagrant! They go out for a wild night at Señor Frogs because they’re sophomores from Arizona State on spring break! Lace almost tears a girl’s hair out and Grant stops her. Aww, he protected her. It’s true love.
While everyone is off on their date, Sarah and Carly have a little “dinner party” with Daniel and ugh, Evan. Carly is shocked that Evan still likes her, even though she keeps inviting him places. It’s almost like you’re sending him signals that you’re still interested. My sympathy for Carly is waning fast. Before Evan goes off to sleep, he tries to kiss Carly one more time. Maybe he’s realizing that he’s into sexual humiliation. You still have to make sure the woman is into it, dude. Somehow, Evan believes that the chance for love is still there with Carly.
What happens next is truly weird. Evan passes out and has several producers trying to wake him up and finally an EMT is called. After Evan is stirred awake, he’s a little too with it for just having come to. The producers go get Carly, and apparently to make sure he doesn’t die in his sleep, she has to sleep in the bed with him. Evan starts grinning and is like, “Oh no! They don’t have a cot for you!” Raise your hand if you think Evan faked this whole thing and got the producers in on his little scheme to force Carly to get in bed with him for fear of his imminent death?
That’s what I thought. Evan drags Carly into bed and starts making out with her. Carly says in her confessional interview that she doesn’t know if she’s attracted to or disgusted by Evan. Oh, honey.
Josh and Amanda bang and he sweats all over her while they cut between shots of Nick staring pensively into the ocean and stock footage of a train going into a tunnel. Wow. It’s the next morning and everyone is happily coupled up and suddenly a girl is coming down the stairs and OH SHIT, it’s Ashley I. She’s still in love with Jared and apparently they’ve been sending each other flowers and sleeping in the same bed. She’s toned down her makeup a little bit and she looks great. I’m into this twist.
The preview for Tuesday’s episode says to get ready for “The Ashley I. of the storm” but the eye of the storm is the calmest par — wait, never mind. Why am I getting upset at this? I have to go to bed. See you all tomorrow!