Bachelor in Paradise
I could tell you about the other stuff that happened on this episode of BiP (and I will), but you’re all here to find out what is going on with Ashley I.
HO-LEE SHIT. Let’s all just say it now: Ashley I has come unhinged. Judging by her intro package in the opening credits, she has been possessed by an ancient spirit and can command its power by whispering “enchantress.” (Who else saw Suicide Squad? Is that what that movie was about?) Her obsession with Jared has gone from cute to swimfan. Everything she does is to either get closer to Jared or to drive other people away from Jared. She’s this close to going fully Richard Wayne Gary Wayne and locking him in a bunker and telling him the world has ended. She keeps saying she came to Paradise to find someone new, but did she? Did she? What I imagine she thought would happen is she’d get there before Jared, meet some guy, go on a couple of dates, Jared would arrive, get jealous, and ask for her hand. Not a great plan.
But! But! I will say – there’s another side to this. I definitely believe that Jared led her on. There’s no way someone could construct a fairy tale this elaborate in their head based on nothing. You could build a pretty elaborate one, but not one this elaborate. I guarantee that Jared has told Ashley constantly how great she is and how he would love to end up with a girl like her, and he got to second base with her at least once. She’s a virgin who is obsessed with you. That’s literally the absolute worst thing to do. She’s like a gremlin you fed after midnight. Ashley I is your Gizmo, Jared. And Jared also lays out that he’s done nothing in Paradise but date a woman then reject her a few dates later. It might be time to ask the eternal question: Is he here for the right reasons? What does this dude want?
What do either of them want? It seems like Ashley I wants to crawl into Jared’s thorax and lay her eggs there and Jared wants Caila … but does he? Does anyone want anything? Has this become a nihilist Sisyphean experiment? What do any of these people want? A lot is made of Caila’s “indecision,” and it just seems like she’s a girl who wants to make everyone happy and have everyone approve of her actions more than she wants anything in particular for herself. Jared doesn’t want her to go, so she doesn’t go. Brett wants her to go, so she goes. Then there’s Izzy’s crisis of fidelity over this Bronson Pinchot–Balki–looking mofo, Brett. It’s almost like if you tell women in their early-to-mid-20s that they’re going to get engaged after 18 days with someone, they freak out and just want someone else to buy them an appetizer and a margarita.
What are any of us doing here? I’m beginning to get a little disappointed in myself. Maybe I should eat better, start journaling, and work out. At least there are still couples like LACE and Grant to inspire us to be better.
Also, Ashley I might be one of those people who just needs to have sex and get it over with. I usually hate the suggestion or implication that virgins need to have sex to be normal but …
So, what else happened this week other than the complete destruction of half of the women’s well-being? Well, there was a rose ceremony. Grant gives his rose to LACE, Josh gives his to Amanda, Vinny and Izzy are still together. Evan gives his rose to Carly and everyone wept. Jared picks up his rose, shrugs as if to say “fuck it” and gives his rose to Caila. The final rose is Daniel. Ugh, Daniel, just when America was starting to like your weird Canadian Bacon and Sarah was falling for you, you give your rose to one of the twins? Why? It’s starting to feel like all the men this season are 33 and all the women are 23. Which for some people is fine, but there’s a whole world of difference between a 33-year-old and 23-year-old. The women over 25 have a different jaded quality about them, and I just want to give the women under 25 a snack and send them to the library to get to work on their homework.
Like Sarah, for example, just got dumped for a 23-year-old. I think that’s the plot of about seven Sex and the City episodes. Sarah seems like a good person who slowly and deliberately explored how she felt about Daniel, and the twins are hot, I guess? So bye, Sarah.
While Ashley is being driven away from the compound, she whispers “enchantress” and morphs into a gray-skinned witch and floats out of the SUV and back to the resort. With the booming voice of her ancestors, she demands to be let back into Paradise or they all shall face the wrath of her brother, who is trapped inside a statue. (Did I understand that plot device in Suicide Squad? Someone tell me. I was very confused by that film.) My favorite reaction to Ashley’s return is Nick rolling his eyes and going, “Ugh.”
Since the women will give out the roses next week, Paradise is flooded with new men. Ryan, Carl, and Brett are no-name nobodies who are best remembered for being carbon-based lifeforms. Carl seems to hit it off with Emily and sticks his tongue down her throat on a booze cruise while displaying some particularly uncoordinated dirty-dancing skills. Brett brings Caila on the booze cruise and she sits there like an indecisive wet blanket. Ryan and Haley ride horses. Damn, was every ladytestant on this season a secret horse girl (just like a cat lady, but your family was rich)? Jared tries to pawn off Ashley I on anything with a pulse, and when that doesn’t work, Ashley I tries to hex Jared with her ancient powers.
And then there’s Vizzy. Izzy looked at Brett and knew that his whole Balki thing was just what she was looking for. She decides to tell Brett that she’s super attracted to him and then tell Vinny that she’s super attracted to another person and she needs to go explore that.
There’s a whole category of thoughts you have in a relationship that you should never tell someone if you aren’t trying to break up with them. “I’m attracted to someone else” is the FIRST on that list. Izzy thinks that she can tell Vinny that she’s attracted to Brettki, that she never meant to hurt Vinny, that she has to explore every option, and Vinny won’t have an opinion about that. She thinks he’ll just be like, “Thank you for being honest,” kiss her forehead, and wait patiently until after she’s banged Brettki. Unfortunately for Izzy, Vinny is a free-thinking man and he knows what he’s got to do …
TO BE CONTINUED.