Ho ho, I see you’re up to your old tricks, Nathan. Popping out out from behind a corner, yelling “Boo!” and hoping to offer me up a great scare in the middle of our office. Let me tell you, dear sir, your ruse didn’t scare me, despite evidence to the contrary.
Now, I did indeed shout when you first appeared. But I was planning on randomly shouting at that exact moment. “Oh great Josephine!” is a standard saying of good luck and fancy tidings in my family, which is why I exclaimed it. Josephine was a wonderful woman; a cousin on my father’s side. So as you can understand, I was merely screaming her name, and then you suddenly appeared. Our brood tends to roar the phrase as high-pitched as possible, too. Totally normal, and further proof that your antics did not, in fact, creep the bejesus out of me.
My immediate jumping back and hiding behind a desk was also planned beforehand. You see, I don’t have time to hit the gym as often as I would like. So instead I make time for exercise at work. You may have seen me planking earlier this morning, or perhaps doing bodyweight squats? No? Well, you just happened to hop out of your hiding spot right as I decided to start some high-intensity interval training in the middle of the office. I could show you some pointers, if you’d like. It’s just a coincidence that the workout coincided with not only my yelp for dear aunt Josephine, but also with your hijinks.
Your gaze tells me you noticed the state of disarray in my nether regions. Yes, I must admit, Nathan, and I hope this stays betwixt us, but I do have a problem holding in my bladder. It comes from my father’s side of the family. Josephine had it the worst. Pray heavens, the stories I could tell you about her! Moments before your failed attempts to spook me, and also between shouting platitudes for my dear aunt and my exercise routine, I felt a rush in my groin, which led to the misfortune you can see in front of my new trousers. I can obtain a doctor’s note, if you would like to learn more about my condition.
Also, you may have mistakenly heard what sounded like me crying behind Dave’s cubicle, screeching for law enforcement and praying that my soul be taken to Valhalla. While you correctly observed me saying all of those things, I fear you mistook their meaning. You see, I am auditioning for a play at a nearby theater company. You may have heard of the Meisner technique? It’s all about using external forces to propel your acting. Anywho, in the midst of my howling, my cardio, and my genital release, I decided it would be a good time to practice for the audition. The ability to emote on demand is important to an actor. I will gladly record a video of my tryout, if it so pleases you.
Ah, Nathan, you foolish prankster, you. Playing immature jokes while I lead a rich life filled with play auditions, genetic bladder disorders, calorie-burning exercise, and familial shouting. I truly think you should find another way to indulge in your teenage-based fantasies and—JESUS FUCK SUSAN DON’T STAND BEHIND ME LIKE THAT CHRIST ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A CARDIAC EVENT? YOU MADE ME FUCKING PISS MYSELF AGAIN.
GODDAMMIT.
Andy Boyle is a writer, comedian and web developer in Chicago. Follow him on Twitter.
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