The Chainsmokers Compare Penis Sizes and Other Cringe-y Quotes From Today’s Best Hate-Read

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The Chainsmokers. Photo: Theo Wargo/Getty Images for iHeart Media

Some dorm rooms birth music legends. But whatever dorm room the Chainsmokers crawled out of likely still has the remnants of vomit, tequila, semen, and all that a good starter kit for debauchery requires. In fact, you can see a re-creation of the scene in Billboard’s cover story on America’s newest EDM darlings — “Closer” has been the No. 1 song for four weeks — which paints quite the telling portrait of the duo. Their opening quote: “We rage every night. My mom’s going to hate reading that, but she already knows.” What follows is a flawless tutorial on how to walk, talk, and act like a pompous, girl-crazed celebrity-in-training from the two dudes who’ve made a career out of living and breathing that lifestyle. Here are the seven cringiest things Drew Taggart and Alex Pall told Billboard.

Yes, that’s really their penis sizes advertised on their website.
“Oh, that’s our penises combined … tip to tip.”

It’s not their fault they sounded so bad at the VMAs.
“It sounded like shit. We were told my voice was going to be mixed well, but there was no reverb and it was way louder than the track for the broadcast. I was set up to fail. Nearly every other person lip-synced it, and we knew because we had them in our ears. So now I know why you lip-sync.”

They were horndogs well before the fame.
“Even before success, pussy was number one,” says Pall. “Like, ‘Why am I trying to make all this money?’ I wanted to hook up with hotter girls. I had to date a model … We’re just frat bro dudes, you know what I mean? Loving ladies and stuff.”

Everyone who wants to work with them now (namely Weezer) is just thirsty.
“They were like, ‘Yo! We should do a track together,’ and I’m like, ‘Oh, really?’ ” says Pall. “I can’t blame somebody for saying no early on, but it depends on how you said no and how you came back to us. If you own it, like, ‘I didn’t see the vision, but it’s clear now and it’s super sick,’ I get that. It feels good when those people are like …” Taggart finishes the thought: “Thirsty.”

No one parties smarter than them.
“You’ll never see us getting carried out of a club. We’re way too good at drinking.”

They think they’re better than LMFAO.
“It’s like if LMFAO just started making … ” says Pall, and Taggart finishes: “… the illest shit and stopped dressing like idiots.”

They’re also the real deal, so get used to them.
“I don’t know what to say to people who think it’s a con. We’re literally going for our third double-platinum record this year.”

7 Cringiest Things Chainsmokers Told Billboard