You know me! And you know that, just like anyone else, I need food! I don’t just WANT food, I, like, almost NEED it. Any time someone’s all like, “You guys hungry?” I’m 1000% always like, “STARVIN(g) LIKE MARVIN(g).”
But now, with your help, I can have a whole meal of food in between my breakfast and dinner that isn’t a weekend brunch and also isn’t one of those times where you eat breakfast at like noon because you were out until 4 a.m.
Please go to GoFeedMe.org and donate to this earnest cause of me grabbing a bite to eat. Because without you, I’d have to wait until dinner, and I’m not a waiter. I’m an eater.
$1 - With a couple of friends like you, I can get an apple pie at McDonald’s after eating a real meal paid for by my other friends!
REWARD - I’ll email you an acknowledgement that says something like, “Thanks babe!” Thanks babe!
$5 - I should be able to get SOMETHING to tide me over with this. Footlong subs are actually six bucks now, and that’s not even including tax.
REWARD - I’ll text you a pic of me getting kicked out of a Subway restaurant for not having enough money. :( :( :(
$12 - Oh man! Thanks for helping me clear up that whole mess with Subway! To be fair though, they shouldn’t have made such a catchy jingle with a now-outdated price in it!
REWARD - You can have lunch, WITH ME, in a Subway restaurant of my choosing! (I will not pay for any travel expenses, including room, transportation, or overage charges that may incur if we want to split a couple of cookies or something, because have you had their cookies? They’re actually really good.)
$25 - This will pay for me to have a nice sit-down lunch at some place like Applebee’s or maybe even a lunch at a nice place like Outback Steakhouse. I should even be able to leave a tip!
REWARD - You will get a picture of me leaving a tip!* (*This may or may not include a fake $20 bill inviting them to go to church instead, which is sure to go viral for you and me! Marketing!)
$500 - You will pay for me AND YOURSELF to enjoy another fine meal at an Outback Steakhouse of my choosing. $500 should cover a Bloomin’ Onion™, a couple of drinks, entrees, a couple more drinks, a couple of desserts, and a couple of Mississippi Mudslides™, which count as a dessert and as a drink.
REWARD - You must’ve glossed over the part about the Mississippi Mudslides™ and dining with ME™!
$650 - Whoa! Big spender! Bigger generosity! Biggest lunch? This gets us (you and me) a nice meal at the revolving rooftop restaurant in town, if they’re open for lunch anyway. Remember, you’re footing the entire bill and any extra costs that are incurred as a result of me potentially hurling because of the motion sickness I’ll probably get from the revolving rooftop restaurant.
REWARD - I hear they have good steaks at this place? I’m getting that and a lobster and a bottle of 1963 Taylor’s port wine and maybe some hot soup. The works!
$1,250-$1,500 - This will get me a plane ticket to a restaurant — GET THIS — of your choosing! Huzzah! But head’s up, I’m not doing that thing where I fly to the West Coast around my lunchtime and then have to wait for lunchtime to roll around there. It’ll totally depend on where I’m flying in from/who buys me this lunch elsewhere - Midwest, East Coast, Paris - but we’re eating on MY time. This is my lunch, after all.
REWARD - Do you know of any places that are light but filling? Like, I don’t want to be STUFFED, but I want to be satisfied, especially after hurling from the rooftop place and probably from the inflight meal (WHICH DOES NOT COUNT AS MY LUNCH, BTW). Maybe a wrap place?
$250,000 - For only a quarter of a million dollars, you and I could have lunch anywhere you want. In a diner suspended over an active volcano or right in the middle of a field in the middle of a live-ammo Civil War re-enactment. I don’t even care. I’m not even that hungry anymore.
REWARD - Lunch almost anywhere YOU want! I will not pay for your funeral, but, should I die, it will be up to you (or the wards of your estate, should you also perish) to plan my funeral, which has already been planned to include a Viking ship soaked in kerosene to be lit on fire, with the arrow launched from the bow of my little brother, Daniel*, who is a pretty good shot. Crossbows are acceptable.
*This deal is null and void if you buy this reward, Daniel.
$1,000,000 - We will rebuild Monk’s Cafe from the hit television show, Seinfeld, staff it with as many of the original actors who played waiters and cashiers as are alive or have similar-looking progeny, and have a nice lunch. This does not include purchasing Tom’s Diner on 112th and Broadway in New York City, which is the external facade seen in the show, but frankly if you’re willing to pay the initial million, why not a couple more?
REWARD - All the previous rewards combined. Which means we’ll probably have some footlong subs. Yum!
Zack Stovall is a writer, cartoonist, comedian, producer, and plaything in St. Louis. You can see him adorning numerous inanimate objects in tuxedos on October 19th with “Fancy Things: LIVE!“, performing monthly with Sketchpad Comedy, or performing stand up. Zack tweets as @zstovall and lost most of his hair sometime in 2009.
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