Finding Prince Charming
The biggest takeaway from tonight’s episode of Finding Prince Charming? Everything is a little different in daylight.
Let’s start with the house. By night, that place looked like the bachelor pad of every silk-shirt-wearing single guy in every ‘90s movie ever. But by day, it’s like the house of a Real Housewife who’s obviously renting, but it doesn’t come up until mid-season.
We return to our bachelors in the daylight, as they cook breakfast in solid-colored tank tops and T-shirts. They’re discussing their initial impressions of each other with the distant, faraway affection of reminiscing college kids, not as people who met each other on national television a few nights ago.
We dive into the meat of the episode: Chad versus Eric. According to Eric, Chad made him uncomfortable during their first night in the house by drunkenly talking to him with his hand down his pants in the kitchen. Chad loses it! “Do you think I’m attracted to you? Is that what you’re saying?” He scoffs. Yes, he does. From here on out, Chad cannot let it go and he keeps freaking out about it. Especially once Eric tells Robert about it on the beach … but we’ll get to that. Hold your horses, Mary!
Everybody goes to the beach to swoon over a wet Robert. A fully clothed Lance Bass arrives to announce they’ll play a competitive game of volleyball to help Robert decipher their physical prowess. It is in this scene that Robert mentions “being athletic” at least four times. They divide into two teams: the Robettes (great name, by Robby of course) and the Nice Guys (from Jasen — eh, not great if I’m being honest).
They play volleyball and it is the first time I’ve ever watched sports on television. Turns out, it’s just as tedious as I suspected. After precious minutes wasted, we thankfully get back to the show we signed up for.
The Robettes win more time with Robert, which they spend over a canister of lemonade and a three-tiered silver platter of sliced fruit. The point of this “hang” is to win the position of MVP, a title that comes with a one-on-one date with Robert. The stakes are high as the men sip their lemonade and discuss how much they all love their mothers, a scene straight out of an unproduced Terrence McNally play.
In the end, Robert picks Justin for the one-on-one date. Good choice, Robert! Along with the date, Justin gets the opportunity to pick one person from the losing volleyball team to also get a date. He picks Jasen.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the losing team is in a tizzy. Word has gotten back to Chad that Eric told Robert about their kitchen run-in, and it is here that Chad begins saying, “There’s a canary in the house” over and over. It is the strangest thing to hear said more than once and even stranger when you think back to the pet bird in Chad’s video package in last week’s premiere. What does it all mean?! Anyway, Chad starts to lose it.
Sam joins in because he’s clearly the type of person who feeds off the drama, Miss Obama. He also gets word that he’s been called a “bully” by Dillon. (I agree, Dills.) The winning team returns and the tension is thick. After winding each other up by complaining about the various rumors, Chad and Sam do what anyone would do in this situation: They get drunk in a hot tub and start screaming at people.
The next day, Justin goes on his date with Robert and they make a custom fragrance. If someone ever surprised me with this type of activity, I would either call the cops or go and have a lovely time. It really depends on my mood, but that’s more me and less you.
The date goes well because the smell of roses reminds both them of their families. (Okay?) They end up kissing and they seem to have genuine chemistry, so it’s sweet. Justin returns to the house and tells the guys about his date and forces them to smell the scent he and Robert created together. This is a total bitch move on Justin’s part and I tip my hat to him.
On Jasen’s date with Robert, they get side-by-side massages, because that’s not an awkward way to get to know someone at all. After the massage, they rub salt on themselves in some sort of sauna, and there’s really no chemistry between them. In fact, Robert just wants to quiz Jasen about what’s going on with Chad. This is not a good sign, folks.
The men descend the stairs for this episode’s “Black Tie Affair.” (I see we’re still calling it that.) Everyone is visibly nervous; they’re all wearing black ties already. Lance Bass explains that “the black tie” is a symbol of each man’s connection with Robert. If Robert still likes you, then you keep the tie. If he doesn’t, you have to give him the tie. Taking a gay guy’s man AND his accessory? What are you, some kind of monster? Sorry, I sincerely apologize for that joke.
In the end, Robert decides to send Jasen home. It was a predictable choice, judging from his many awkward missteps through the episode. Jasen’s departure also takes away Chad’s only source of grounded sanity, leaving him with Sam as his sounding board, which I cannot imagine is going to end well.
If I have one big complaint, it’s that this episode doesn’t give us enough Robby, aside from his cute (albeit short) bit with the grapes on the beach. If a given episode isn’t going to have at least 15 minutes of Robby material, Logo should give us a head’s up — otherwise we’re just sitting there, getting increasingly frustrated as we wait for him to do something.
But most important, please don’t make us watch any more sports.