Yet another week with a noticeably minimal use of Robby. Logo, what the hell are you thinking? Maybe I’m in a worse mood than usual — which I can’t imagine is the case, because I actually smiled at a child today — but I had a hard time enjoying tonight’s episode.
It’s not that it was an entirely bad episode, but the focus fell on boring characters and we spent far too much time with Robert. That’s the problem with the Prince Charming of Finding Prince Charming: He is, hands down, the most boring character of all.
We open at the house just after last week’s Black Tie Affair. Tensions are high. Robby is literally holding a full bottle of wine. For a second, I was like, “Oh finally, this is her episode,” but it wasn’t and I honestly feel betrayed by the editors. In his black tie and pressed white shirt, Chad sobs on a leather sofa, like he’s sitting shiva for Barry Diller. Chad is a bona fide mess, but compared to Sam, whom we’ll get to shortly, he looks as stable as Jeanne Tripplehorn in pretty much every role she’s ever played.
Cut to the next morning. Lance Bass lets himself into the house without knocking, as usual. I cannot imagine anyone “popping by” my home in a white blazer (after Labor Day), let alone the Lance Bass. It was jarring, but I got past it once Lance started explaining a bizarre game called “Luck of the Draw” as if it were something people play all the time. I rewound this segment a solid five times and still don’t understand how the game works. It had to do with cards and the five senses and somehow two teams end up on a date with Robert. Just attempting to explain it has given me a headache, so now I have to write the rest of this recap lying down.
Anyway, Sam and Justin win a date with Robert. While Sam puts on Axe deodorant before he leaves, Dillon appears and they confront each other about the rumors of their tension. Sam is immediately unhinged, but holds it together enough to leave for the date. It’s like watching a toddler who just promised not to throw a ball in the house; you just know he’s going to come home and not only throw the ball in the house, but also take a dump on the living-room rug. That’s how toddlers work, right?
Justin and Sam arrive at their date with Robert, which turns out to be something called “acrobatic yoga,” which Robert pretends is a thing. Justin has the audacity to claim he’s done it before. Sam is very, very out of his element and begins to whine and panic. It was so distracting that I almost forgot that they were doing something called “acrobatic yoga.” Once they get started, Justin nails it and is (predictably) sexy the whole time. Robert spooked me out for the entire segment, but what else is new?
When they return to the house, Sam is a mess because Justin clicked with Robert way more than he did. He and Dillon have another spat. Sam calls Dillon “a canary,” once again referencing an expression I had never heard until this show began. They’re literally creating these things and pretending it’s actual language. This is gay Juno, except without a talented screenwriter or Allison Janney. (Unless Paul counts.)
The next group that won a date with Robert goes wine tasting which, unlike “acrobatic yoga,” is a thing I most definitely have heard of. Everyone was super well-behaved and it was boring and I sat there the whole time praying someone would bring up Robert’s sex-worker past because, frankly, it’s episode three and we need some more spice at this chili cook-off.
Things get exciting when Sam attacks Dillon for allegedly telling Robert about their tension and how he’s a troublemaker. Sam loses it. Like, totally loses it and this is coming from someone who is intensely medicated for being bipolar. Really, guys, I’m on a lot of meds. But even I know not to guzzle booze in a hot tub when I’m angry, at least not on extremely basic cable.
Sam confronts Dillon, calls him a snake, then proceeds to actually spit on him. Yes, spit. It’s utterly shocking and Justin starts sobbing while Danique gives us the best moment of the whole episode: a single eye-roll, followed by a gulp of white wine from those Z Gallerie fishbowls. It is, by far, the most important moment of Finding Prince Charming so far. Shondaland-level drama, ladies.
Meanwhile, Paul and Robert pull each other aside into a bedroom, where they share a kiss so messy it might as well be a contestant on this show. Their tongues dart at each other like tentative cobras striking at prey they’re not even sure they want to devour.
Then, the inevitable happens: Someone leaves the house and quits the show. Thankfully, that person is Sam. I don’t want to bully the guy because, as he made a point of reminding us, he has been bullied before and that’s why he felt compelled to spit on another human being on national television … or something. Nevertheless, this queen was not ready to deal with the perils of reality television and I feel for her. Sam seems like a fragile person, so I’m genuinely glad to see him go — and not just because he was anti-femme in the first episode and because he’s always so sweaty and angry. He just doesn’t seem like someone who can take this show with a grain of salt. Which is what is intended.
And that’s what drives me crazy about you people watching it. Yes, I’m talking about you, the people who keep attacking this show for being a terrible representation of gay people. Yes! It is! It’s just as terrible as the Real Housewives are for women, yet we cackle and prod and dress up as those people for Halloween. This is the same thing, so let’s embrace it. Let’s roll our eyes, love to hate these monsters, and wish only the best for the good guys and bad guys alike. At the end of the day, we’re no more sane than anyone else. We’re just not on national television, guzzling gallons of wine in a steaming hot tub, vying for the attention of someone whose biggest accomplishment is painting rainbows on sidewalks in a very specific part of Atlanta. That’s the only difference.