Even in the truly bizarre lineup of guests at the Roast of Rob Lowe, one non-comedian, non-actor, magnet-of-hate, Ann Coulter, really had trouble selling her “sense of humor” to the crowd. Coulter has since claimed credit for writing most of her own jokes, which is a bold move considering Lowe put it mildly when he quipped, “After seeing your set tonight, we’ve seen the first bombing you can’t blame on a Muslim.” The show’s writer, Mike Lawrence, confirmed that his team didn’t contribute much to Coulter’s speech (which he described as “The perfect trio of comedy: racism, homophobia and Mike Pence”) during a Facebook Live event, but that didn’t mean he didn’t offer her a few lines. Since the conservative pundit didn’t perform any of his material, Lawrence, who was also the first place winner of the 2016 Roast Battle, used a hand puppet named “Coultergeist” to recite the very on-brand zingers the In Trump We Trust author turned down:
1. “Peyton Manning is a model citizen and his forehead is a model for the wall that Trump’s going to put between the U.S. and Mexico.”
2. “Ralph Macchio’s first-ever credit was in the movie Up the Academy, playing a character called Chooch Bambalazi. Are you serious? Even Donald Trump thinks it’s too racist to call a wop Chooch Bambalazi.”
3. “That would be like if Jeff Ross’s first credit was a character called Mosha Gefilte Fish Streisand Ziegmilliaberg. And before you ask Jeff, I wouldn’t fuck you with Hillary Clinton’s dick.”
4. “Rob Lowe is like America: He hasn’t been great since Reagan was president, and unemployment is becoming more and more of a problem for him.”
5. “Giving you a roast is the worst decision Comedy Central’s made since they replaced Jon Stewart with a South African child. That’s a Trevor Noah joke, the one immigrant I’m most excited to see deported. Am I white, people? Am I white?”
