My name is Mitra Jouhari. Two years ago Blake Lively reached out to me and gave me the honor of ghostwriting her autobiography. This project has been all-consuming and very educational. She has allowed me to share with you some of my favorite excerpts. The following is totally factual and not made up at all.
Hello, it is I, Blake Lively. I am an actress and I have decided that I am very good at it. My most recent projects include a movie where I fight a shark or some shit, and defending Woody Allen. Everybody has been saying to me over and over again, “Blake, you are interesting!” Or at least that is what I assume they are saying because the voices of those less attractive than me do not register as sound to me. And one thing I know to be true is that interesting people write very long books about the things they have done whether people want to read them or not. Here are a few excerpts from MY BOOK: Blake Lively, The Story Untold, From Life Til Now, Check It Out, I Am Blake Lively, Bossypants.
MY BIRTH (page 1)
I have been alive for seven hundred thousand years. I was born when God had his first orgasm. He squirted me out down to earth and I took on the form of a ray of sunlight, gently caressing the bodies of beautiful people and making them look tan and golden, and transforming into harsh fluorescent light onto the bodies of those less beautiful. Eventually I got bored of being the sun and decided to become the kind of wind that glides past you and makes you feel both warm and cold at the same time. Before you can process how you feel, your body has continued to do other things, but you know you won’t be the same. You know, that kind of wind. But wind isn’t sexy, and I wanted to be something sexy.
On July ninety first, 1480-fuck I became Blake Lively. I was born a woman, skipping childhood and adolescence by choice. I guess you could say that my birth was unconventional. I clawed my way out of my mom’s uterus because I didn’t feel like being in there anymore. She didn’t survive but I think that’s probably what she would have wanted. I don’t know.
Soon after being born I sprinted out of the hospital and ate all the needles I passed on my way out. It was then that my thirst for human blood was born, but that’s all I’m going to say about that.
MY CHILDHOOD (page 333)
I wandered the globe for seventy days and visited every country in that time to make sure I was the most beautiful. I killed four women who posed very close competition with my bare hands and decided it was time to go home and say hello to my father, who for the moment I was allowing to live.
I sniffed my way to my father’s house and to my shock and horror found out that I had six brothers and sisters. I said “how about not” and forced him to send them all to Pompeii, where I used my gorgeous smile to trigger a volcanic eruption. They became the little statue people you see in museums to this day. I hate that they’re still around, but since I’m generous and kind, I let them live in museums.
MY CAREER (page 521)
Fast forward nine-hundred-thousand years and I’m writing, directing, and playing every single role in Gossip Girl. You know, the TV show on The CW that was set in New York, chronicling the real life stories of gorgeous white people with unlimited funding who fuck their parents and brothers. My stunning creation which ran for six entire seasons! The show Gossip Girl definitely deserved to do that. Wow. I was spotted by a casting director as I was walking down the street holding a seven-hundred pound weight just for fun. He said, “you definitely look fourteen,” and I said “I know!” And the next day there I was, portraying a teen girl on a CW series— the ultimate accomplishment as far as acting goes.
Now Gossip Girl is over even though I told the network not to do that. I was hoping it would run for ninety seasons and have 18 movies but somehow that did not happen. I’m not sure what to do next, but I am excited about this period in time. I am thinking about trying comedy, for example. I have been practicing a lot of accents and feel as though people are into that kind of thing. I would like to be on SNL and I think I would be very good at it. I can play British or poor very convincingly. I will not wear wigs and I must wear gorgeous gowns or else people just won’t believe it.
MY PRIVATE LIFE (page 732)
Every glamorous woman has her quirks. For me, there are a few. I have committed nine manslaughters but they were all accidents and there were no consequences because the jury could tell I looked sad. Every day I wake up at 9 a.m. and take a painting class with Rachel Dolezal where I learn colors the way she sees them. It is rewarding and I am the only student. We agree on everything. Each night I unlearn one word that I’ve picked up in a foreign language because it’s bad to know too much. I support Donald Trump but only agree with his positions on social issues, not policy. Once a week I have every Hollywood star stand in a single file line and walk past me one by one as I stand next to a cardboard cutout of the Olsen twins when they were babies and all the stars have to tell me how tiny I look in comparison. I am trying to get Beyoncé to admit that I cowrote all of her songs but she just won’t do it. My diet consists only of aloe water and triple-A batteries which is why I look so young and healthy.
EPILOGUE (page 984)
I don’t think women should vote. I am the only woman in the world. I dedicate this book to my cum.
Mitra Jouhari is a Brooklyn-based performer and writer. She currently works at Full Frontal with Samantha Bee. She co-wrote/is one of the Three Busy Debras and is a member of the Holy Fuck Comedy Hour. She co-hosts “It’s A Guy Thing” at Union Hall and “You Are Heard” at the Annoyance Theater. She tweets @tweetrajouhari.
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