The Real Housewives of Orange County
Has anyone ever seen Donald Trump and Vicki Gunvalson in the same room? I’m beginning to think that the OG of the OC and the OG of the AC (as in Atlantic City) might actually be the same person. This goes much farther than just, “Haha, they’re both orange and have ridiculously bad hair.” There are substantive philosophical and behavioral similarities between the two.
Let’s look at the evidence:
- Both prone to interrupting women who make better points in an argument or debate.
- Both run seemingly successful businesses with the help of their family.
- Both identify primarily as businesspeople, despite several failed companies tied to their names (Wines by Wives, anyone).
- Both may possibly be running charity scams (see: Kill All Cancer and the Trump Foundation).
- Both fight with women they can’t stand (see: Shannon, Hillary Clinton), while repeatedly mentioning how brave they are for not bringing up certain unsavory aspects of those women’s pasts, even though, by even bringing up the past, they call attention to that unsavoriness.
- Both are incredibly braggadocious. Vicki says, “My life is full of great men right now. The best men. I am only dating the best men.” Who does she sound like?
- Both have been caught changing their positions. Just like Trump is on record as supporting the Iraq war, Vicki is on camera telling the other Housewives who they should be dating while criticizing their relationships.
- Both think David Beador is a “piece of shit.”
The worst of these similarities, though, is how Vicki calls Shannon a liar and then tells everyone, “Oh, I know all these things about Shannon and how she lied, but I’m not going to bring them up.” Heather Dubrow is right: That is a threat and it is not cute. (Man, I hate when Heather is right.) Unlike Heather, however, I want to know what it is and I want to know it bad. I want to know badly enough that I would even visit RadarOnline.com, Satan’s house organ, to read all about it.
To make it even worse, Vicki Gunvalson reveals the secret to Kelly MF Dodd, a three-month-old dog-eared copy of Star someone left in a dentist’s waiting room. Kelly says that it’s “real bad” and that it’s been proven true. First of all, telling Kelly Dodd a secret is sort of like letting Michael Jackson babysit your kids (#TooSoon?). Second of all, Vicki isn’t really keeping this secret if she’s already telling people. Man, this ploy is really disgusting. Third of all, can I get a #TooSoon hat in case I ever go on this show?
Shannon is not entirely blameless for their argument at the candle party, however. She says that she went over to greet Vicki to be a bigger person. That is not the case. She went over there to be all, “Hey, I called you to see if you were okay and you never called back which means I am nice and moral and you are a poopy-faced Not Caller Backer in a neck brace and I think you smell like a gallon drum full of seafood farts.” If Shannon wanted to keep the peace, she should have just left Vicki alone and walked around, smelling all the pretty candles and slipping a giant glass bottle of $35 bath salts into her bag.
Can we talk about that candle party? First of all, Double You Tee Eff is Vicki wearing? It’s like a starship commander’s uniform for a sci-fi porn parody movie called Star Whores: The Force A-Gape-Ins: An XXX Parody. Or maybe it’s like a Slutty Dora the Explorer costume with a crappy pink backpack already sewn into the fabric? Either way, it’s ugly and weird.
Secondly, it’s not even Meghan and Jim’s candle store. It’s some place called … K. Hall Designs? Is this a franchise or something? Are they just doing marketing work for someone else’s store? And who the hell is this K. Hall? Is he neighbors with the suspicious and secretive capitalist Alene Too, the mysterious funder of all Housewives retail endeavors? And what do Jim’s candle’s smell like? Locker-room mildew and disdain?
I also love how Jim comes over to Vicki and Shannon when they’re getting into their tussle and is like, “Can you ladies please take it outside?” Ladies, you don’t want to make a bad impression. Think about the candles! But seriously, killer, you don’t get to have it both ways. If you want the publicity of Housewives at your business opening, then you have to deal with the collateral damage. That’s the price you pay: A few bathrobes will be knocked off their racks as they heave invective about each other. Just like you can’t go to dinner at Mariah Carey’s without looking at all of her gold records one by one while telling her, No, she looks just as skinny as when she filmed the “Endless Love” video, you can’t have the Housewives at your party with a little bit of screamery.
While we’re discussing Meghan and Jimmy, I need to get something off my chest: I never want to see your sonogram picture. I’m sorry, I just don’t. The difference between a sonogram picture and a real baby is like the difference between a meteorology map and surviving the carnage of a Category-4 hurricane. Honestly, I barely want to see your baby pictures, but if you’re going to subject me to them, at least wait until that baby has an actual face and is outside of the uterus. Until then, keep your medical charts to yourself.
Heather Dubrow also throws a party and, shockingly, no one gets in a fight. That’s probably because the women knew if any one of them got out of line and ruined Heather’s book launch, she would get a giant ice luge shoved up her gooch. Now, we need to talk briefly about all the women who work for Heather. There is a party planner named Talayen. There is a stylist named Simara. I know that Game of Thrones names are a thing, but what is wrong with the parents of Orange County that they’re just naming their offspring with an odd assortment of Boggle letters?
Terry said something that really pissed me off. I’ve always had his back when he’s been all, “Oh, I don’t have time to see the kids, I’m busy working.” Some men would rather work than see their children. That is an acceptable life choice to make if you’re willing to deal with the consequences. But then, Terry tells Jim that he said hi to his son and Nicky threw the deuces at Terry and acted like “we were just two dudes who worked in the same place.” Terry thinks that “wasn’t cool.” Well, I hate to break it to you, but that is what happens when you choose work over your kids.
Ugh, I guess we have to talk about Live With Kelly and Michael 2: This Time It’s Personal and what a gross drunk Michael is. Now if Kelly Dodd, a squashed Dixie cup whose Jell-O shot has already been slurped, is calling you a drunk, then your shit is busted. Michael embarrasses himself at the book party, hitting on all of those young blonde women who look like they are competing to be America’s Next Top Fox News Harassment Victim, but has Kelly seen herself when she’s drunk? It’s not that much prettier.
These two obviously deserve each other like Antony and Cleopatra, like George and Martha, like breaking and entering, but should they really stay together? Kelly says, “I want Jolie to see what it’s like having parents that love each other.” The only problem is, Kelly and Michael clearly do not love each other. When Kelly discusses her parents’ relationship — and how they stayed miserably married for years rather than get divorced — it’s clear that life has not really provided her with great role models.
Kelly is like someone who has always flown coach. She grew up with the cramped legroom and paying for her first bag, and she thinks that is what life is supposed to be like. Since she’s only ever flown coach, she doesn’t know what business class is really like. It also means that she wants her daughter to stay back with her in coach.
Though a divorce will cost her dearly, I have a feeling that leaving Michael will be like getting upgraded into business class. Kelly will get there and be like, “Holy shit, this whole trip doesn’t have to be discomfort and asking two people to get up when I have to go to the bathroom? There is so much room and they have all the snacks you could possibly want! Wait, there are movies too? You can have any movie you want!” As soon as Kelly knows the joys of business class, she’ll never want to go back to coach or foist that upon her daughter. She just needs something, anything, to get her to the front of the plane.