So Ahmad White, we meet again. Last we saw of this creepy New Age-y prophet, he was forcing Atlanta’s Earn (Donald Glover) to take a bite of his Nutella sandwich on the bus before disappearing into the woods, where he seemingly apparated. But as we learned in last night’s surreal Chappelle’s Show homage, there’s more to his story and and it’s even shadier than you imagined. As it turns out, Ahmad White — his namesake is Jaleel Ahmad White (Steve Urkel!), who previously appeared on the show — doesn’t just dole out unsolicited advice to random passersby. He’s here to expand your mind, brother, through all methods of enlightened communication.
One of the episode’s many dreamlike faux commercials saw White urging viewers to call his hotline and “get the answers you deserve.” We saw testimonials from people who, after one transformative chat with White, magically got their chakras aligned and lives back in check— just like that! We at Vulture also decided to open our third eye and get as smart as a baby dolphin, so we gave the guy a ring. Here’s what happens when you actually call 1-260-33QUEST.
Sadly, we received no free Nutella sandwich and juice — or any answers at all — to enrich our minds, just a whole lot more questions. Because when you do contact White, you’re left with a voice-mail explaining that, whoops, he’s actually in jail right now, which might explain why he ghosted on Earn the second the cop cars drove by:
“Salutations, and welcome to Free Your Mind. I’m unavailable right now due to a brief incarceration. Please, type in your number and a member of the brotherhood will contact you shortly. Enjoyable day to you.”
Could it be that our infomercial soothsayer is a regular Joanne the Scammer? Don’t believe everything you see on TV, kids.