The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Rise and shine, thots and tots! It’s morning in beautiful Atlanta. All of Dish Nation is rubbing the sleep out of their eyes to the dulcet tones of Porsha’s voice. Sherée is doing her morning sun salutations in her front yard. Kandi and Todd are waking up with Ace, the cutest damn baby I’ve ever seen, and I follow both @frobabies and @bougiebabies on Instagram. I would watch a whole show of Kandi dressing li’l baby Ace up in different outfits. Kandi goes over baby Ace’s numerology and — WAIT, EVERYBODY, HOLD UP.
Kandi and Todd are resting their baby on top of a toilet. Not even a potty — a straight-up, regular-ass toilet. They got their baby resting on a Kohler. Why? So the baby can go on the toilet. Is this a thing? The baby is 5 months old. He can barely sit up on his own. This can’t be a thing. Kandi insists that she had her other children doing this when they were infants. She says, “Why would someone have a problem teaching my baby something he’s gonna be taught eventually?” Umm, your baby is going to be taught geometry eventually, but that’s no reason to plop your 5-month-old in front of the damn Pythagorean theorem!
After their little bathroom break, Todd offers to make a bottle and messes that up. Apparently, he’s unable to do his fair share of the parenting and he doesn’t like to get up in the middle of the night and change diapers. Well, isn’t that cute? It’s really cute when the man you’ve had a baby with refuses to be an equal partner in child care because he doesn’t like it! Tee-hee-hee!
Next up, we’re checking in on Miss Kenya as she lives an episode of HGTV’s Flip or Flop. Her dogs are peeing all over the place and she still has a lot of work to do. The house has five bedrooms, five baths, and no doors. Kenya is going behind every contractor and checking their work and ripping it out when they mess it up. She tears a dishwasher out of the wall and throws it through a window because it’s an inch crooked! Kenya also reveals that she broke up with Matt because he went through her phone and smashed up the room where they were staying. She won’t be around someone with anger issues. Good for you, girl. Hopefully, Bravo won’t pull a Bachelor and keep orchestrating situations in which you have to see Chad — er, I mean, Matt. Kenya’s ready to have her housewarming party despite not having any lights or chairs or walls.
Meanwhile, the lady of Chateau Sherée stirs and welcomes her interior decorator into her realm. Sherée is putting the finishing touches on her mansion because it will be her legacy. People keep using the word “legacy” in this episode and I don’t think they know what it means. Chateau Sherée is 10,000 square feet, and 8,500 square feet of that is closet. Sherée’s interior designer suggests her bedroom should be like a jewel box and I cannot hate because that is the exact design philosophy for my bedroom. Bob will not be rummaging through Sherée’s jewels anytime soon. They’re just going to be co-parents for now. Kenya and Sherée are in a competition to finish their houses first and Kenya feels like everyone is doing something wrong and she’s hired all the wrong contractors. She asks herself, “What would Jesus do?” Bitch, he was a carpenter. He would finish the house himself. Quit complaining and get a TaskRabbit.
Phaedra is at home with her governess and her kids. Everyone is really enjoying some feudal lexicon to describe their lives. Her governess is named Lisa and she’s like another wife for the family. Phaedra says if she would get married again, she’d get a wife. Tee-hee-hee, because the purpose of a wife is to serve the household!
Porsha arrives at Phaedra’s house to talk about what kind of good loving she needs after her divorce. Phaedra wants some hardwood loving but she’s not ready to date yet. She hears the men on Christian Mingle just aren’t right. You heard right, girl. While they’re gabbing over lemonade, a very doughy man shows up in a horse-drawn carriage to drop off an invite to Kenya’s housewarming. You can bring a plus one if they’re hot and not a thot. I guess she picked up some high shade card stock at Paper Source. Even though Porsha does not get an invite and no one wants her around because she chases people, Phaedra is going to bring her as a plus one, because choices.
Cynthia goes to visit her attorney friend to get some advice about starting her divorce proceedings. She hasn’t been living with Peter for five months and she’s ready to move on. She doesn’t want alimony; she wants the house and it’s in her name. Good for you, girlfriend. She’s got to bring in her prenup and maybe Peter for another meeting with the attorney. There’s some melancholy music while she walks to her car in her all-denim outfit and she has a little cry behind the wheel before she leaves. We’ve all been there.
It’s seven days until the housewarming and Porsha is meeting with an anger-management therapist to work on her issues. According to her, she’s got some girls labeling her as angry. I can’t imagine why. Cue montage of her kicking people and chasing them down alleyways. She talks about how she was bullied in high school and the therapist nods and tells her to think about her legacy. Kenya calls Sherée to invite her to the housewarming from within some drywall. Kenya would have sent her an invite, but she doesn’t know where Sherée lives. Kenya didn’t think Sherée was in her house because there was still paper on the windows. It’s nice to see two girlfriends catching up.
Cynthia calls Peter to ask him where the prenup is and he makes a hilaaaaaarrrrrrious joke that he has a new girlfriend — HIS BUSINESS. He’s a real cut-up. He tells Cynthia to ask her mama where the prenup is and tells her that he misses her face. No other parts of her body or personality, but her face. He also calls the phone thing “fucked up.” Thanks for that, Peter.
It’s the day of the housewarming! Kenya has finally put on a roof and floors and windows. She’s purchased one chair and set up the red carpet. You know, just the household essentials. Cynthia arrives in her very best Miss Ross unit with a green jumpsuit in her bag to help out. They build a sink together and wonder if Matt is going to be at the party. Matt helped Kenya fix the house up and now he’s not there to see the fruits of their labor. He is Chekhov’s fuckboy. Kenya puts on her formal white tube-top jumpsuit and heads down to the party. Sherée comes over and talks shit about every single thing in the house and stands over an air-conditioning vent. Nene can’t make it. She’s in Miami. Kenya takes them on a tour of the unfinished wreckage. Sherée is too hot and her titties start to sweat. Everyone’s titties start to sweat when Phaedra and Porsha come up the driveway. Sherée sees Porsha and immediately starts cackling. TO BE CONTINUED …