Last-Minute Gift Ideas Sure to Streamline Your Rise to Power, by Cody Ziler

Believe it or not, the holidays are right around the corner: that time of year when we count our blessings, celebrate with food and song, and achieve unquestionable dominance over those near and dear to us. With the number of shopping days dwindling, the race to find thoughtful gifts that will expedite your rise to power is officially on. But don’t fret, wise men! Compiled below are 2016’s best gift ideas that will have the whole family praising your generosity and, if the fates allow, surrendering to your unbending will.

For Dad: He’s a tireless provider and just ruler, but Dad’s chronic prostate infection has rendered him unfit to serve as patriarch. The time for ascension, your ascension, is now. So ease the big guy into political obscurity with a simple fly-fishing kit from Patagonia. Consisting of a 10’6” rod, floating line, instructional book, and box of one dozen soft hackle flies, it’s the perfect gift to keep Dad complacent while you usurp his authority, by force if necessary. He’s always wishing he had more time for hobbies—this present will be the forceful shove in the right direction he needs.

Tenkara Fly Fishing Kit ($299.85)

For Your Wife: If she’s going to assume the myriad duties of matriarch, your wife has to be looking and feeling her best. And nothing will leave her feeling as invigorated or acquiescent as a glass of fresh juice. The 800JEXL Juice Fountain Elite is the highest quality juicer on the market—it matches heavy-duty performance with a sleek look that will have the misses loving and fearing you at the same time. If she fails to produce an heir apparent, however, you’ll be obliged to seek out a more fertile bride. But with the Juice Fountain’s superior stainless steel design, your royal family will be enjoying wholesome juices for years, and potentially several wives, to come.

Juice Fountain Elite 800JEXL Juicer ($299.95)

For Mom: It’s important to demonstrate early in the transition of power that despite her demotion, there will always be something for Mom beneath the tree. After all, her loins were those that bore a king! The platinum Tiffany Infinity Pendant with round diamonds is an elegant reminder that you’ll take intimate care of her for years to come, probably better than her husband ever could. He never truly appreciated what a strong, graceful, and beautiful queen she is. Beautiful—so beautiful. ‘Tis the season for making it uncomfortably clear how much she means to you.

Tiffany Infinity Pendant ($2,150)

For Your Stepson: He may not have royal blood in his veins, but his place in the chain of command may prove volatile in the future. He has his mother’s affections, so elimination is out of the question. Instead, inoculate him against royal ambition with the iPhone 7 Plus. With its standard 32 gigabytes of storage, he can load up Apple’s most powerful and stylish phone to date with dozens of mind-numbing games and apps, and its crystal-clear Retina HD display will leave him so thoroughly stupefied he could never hope to resemble a threat to your sovereignty.

iPhone 7 Plus ($769, without contract)

For Your Brother: As the first born, you’ve been groomed your entire life to govern the bloodline. Your claim to the throne may be legitimate, but your brother has never been one to honor tradition. Suppress any possible coup by surprising him with a Laser-Guided Beard Trimmer from Philips Norelco. With superior precision and wireless functionality, it’s just the thing to keep him impeccably groomed and meekly cowering in the shadows. And at less than $100, it’s an affordable way to say, “One of us will inherit this vast kingdom, and one of us will be forgotten by time.” This Christmas show him you will stop at nothing!

Philips Norelco Laser-Guided Beard Trimmer ($89.99)

For Your Sister: I don’t know. Pajamas or something.

Print Cotton Twill Pajamas ($59)

For Your Uncle: His hopes for dominion should have died the moment you were conceived, but it’s common knowledge the old fool has coveted the throne for decades. A membership to Club Jerky’s monthly delivery service will thwart any harebrained scheme he may devise. He’ll receive three months of hand-picked beef, buffalo, even kangaroo jerky made all over the world and mailed straight to his doorstep. He’ll love the artisanal taste and dread its implicit warning: Challenge me and you will know true suffering. Did we mention they have kangaroo jerky?!

Club Jerky Gift Membership ($109, 3 months)

For Yourself: In all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, don’t forget to to treat yourself. And what better way to treat the king-in-waiting than the most advanced TV ever? Samsung’s Class KS9500 Smart TV is nothing less than a work of art—a gently curved screen, unrivaled SUHD Quantum Dot Color technology, and HDR 1000 picture quality all add up to an unparalleled viewing experience. If your wife protests the purchase of a $3,000 television, sternly remind her there is no room at the inn for dissenters. You’re the man of the house, and you alone control the distribution of funds. It’s the dawn of a new world order! All shall kneel in obedience or be cast out! Huzzah!

Samsung 65” Class KS9500 9-Series Smart TV ($2,799.99)

Cody Ziler is a writer and performer in Chicago. His work has been featured on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Higgs Weldon, and Points in Case. His Twitter is fine!

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Last-Minute Gift Ideas Sure to Streamline Your Rise to […]