Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard Flight 666 with non-stop service from Boston to San Francisco. We’re currently second in line for takeoff, so we should be airborne in just a jiffy. This should be a relatively smooth flight, as we’ve received reports of calm weather patterns across the board. On behalf of Airway Airlines, thank you for choosing us and knowingly riding this plane full of supernatural creatures.
In the interim, we ask that you secure all baggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead compartment. If a ghost is occupying the bin, close the lid immediately and press the blue button above your seat for assistance. Do not let the spirit touch and thereby curse you, because it will try. This is a non-smoking flight, but be cognizant that while the ethereal trails of spirits look like smoke, it doesn’t mean you’re allowed to light up, nor does the fact that some of the gangster ghosts are puffing on spooky cigars.
Please fasten your seat-belts, place your tray tables and seats in the upright position, and power down any electronic devices. Active hardware may interfere with our communications systems, as well as the gizmos used by the Air Marshals from the Supernatural Termination Division to destroy the entities that have taken refuge on our Boeing 747. It’s highly important that their gear is working properly so that they can extradite any and all ghouls, demons, goblins, zombies, hell beasts, etc. Once we’ve finished going over pre-flight checklist, just sit back, relax and enjoy the flight, but not too much. Be alert: You could die.
If you will, kindly direct your attention to the cabin crew, who will review our plane’s emergency procedures. While doing so, take care to locate the closest exit to you. There are six emergency exits on this aircraft as well as one portal to the demon world disguised as an exit. You will notice that a winged lion with octopus tentacles that shoot blood is currently emerging from said pseudo-exit, so do your best to remember which one it is. Try and resist the temptation to ride, pet, or play fetch with the lion, as his telepathy is powerful and unrelenting.
Alright folks, we are currently at a cruising altitude of 33,000 feet and flying at 400 m.p.h. The time is 7:06 p.m., and it looks like we’ll be reaching our destination in a little over six hours, unless the hellion resembling Cerberus manages to break down the door leading to the cockpit. Could really use some help up here, Greg, or Allen. If the weather continues to cooperate we all should be treated to a lovely view of the bay during our descent, which will definitely not continue down into the depths of Hell. I hope.
The cabin crew should be around shortly to offer a wide range of beverages and snacks, as well as promotional offers to join our Airway Rewards program. Additionally, the crew will provide various potions, repellents, and magically-charged weapons you can use to defend yourself from the Legions of Darkness. If you’d like any additional protection beyond the complimentary wizarding wands, enchanted shields, and grimoires, our crew is equipped with a credit card machine as well as Apple Pay. Sorry, we don’t accept American Express—they’re monsters.
The seat-belt light has dimmed and you are free to move about the cabin. Be warned that doing so will place you in the middle of many battles that are currently being waged between the powers of good and evil. If you happen to be sitting in an exit row, you must be committed to volunteer your soul as tribute should a minion of Satan request it, so enjoy the extra leg room while you can. Satan has been known to permit one happy memory for a soul in Hell to hold on to, so why not have it be a good one?
I want you to know the shaking you are experiencing right now is both the result of turbulence and a leviathan that is attempting to rip open the portal wide enough to enter our realm. Let it be known that in the history of aviation, no plane has ever crashed due to turbulence, but this treacherous being from another dimension may make our flight the first. Please return to your seats if you are able and pick up any armaments from the deceased hands of Air Marshals Greg and Allen. It’s what they would’ve wanted.
We’re making our final lap around the runway before we land, and if you look outside to the left you’ll see a gigantic tear in the fabric of space-time where the iconic Golden Gate bridge used to be, which proves the Reckoning is not localized to our plane and has instead leaked out into humanity’s accepted reality. Also check out the two-mile-high lava jet that is erupting from the center of the strait, along with millions of paranormal beings that signify the End Times, which—if she’s still alive—means I owe my mother-in-law a foot rub.
It’s been a pleasure to be your captain this evening and I hope you all have enjoyed your journey. For those of you who have connecting flights to Honolulu, Tokyo, or Sydney—it looks like the airport has been annihilated. I don’t think it would be wild to suggest entering the demonic portal, as it might take you to your destination, or somewhere beyond the known universe that has yet to be explored. Either way, it appears as if our delusions of control have all been for naught and nothing really matters. It’s been somewhat of a nightmare being your captain this evening, but I hope you’ve enjoyed your flight.
Or died a swift death.
Ben Hargrave is a comedian, writer, and videographer living in New York who makes his own peanut butter (is so good). Check out his tweets @HarHarHargrave – it would mean a lot to him.”
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