I can’t believe that Wes is the third Green Meanie. In last week’s episode, we were given every indication that it was his daughter Grace. This is annoying for several reasons, most notably that the theory I’ve had all season is wrong. Secondly, it means that there is no mystery heading into the season finale. We know who the killers are, we know their motivations, and now we’re just waiting for them to fail at killing the Chanels because there’s no way that they’re going to die. You know, just in case Scream Queens miraculously gets a third season.
That’s why I think that Grace is still the real killer. At the end of last episode, Wes kills Chamberlain, but then looks up and sees someone else in the room with him. I think it’s Grace, and Wes is really covering for her to keep her identity a secret, which would also explain why Wes would so quickly sacrifice himself into a giant vat of oil, which fries his skin to the crispy consistency that is found at the better Popeye’s franchises. Yes, we see him try to kill Chanel with a poisoned cup of coffee, which is mistakenly imbibed by Dr. Scarlett Lovin, so he certainly has murder in his heart, but maybe he’s colluding with Grace. I feel like she must be the twist that the final episode needs to pop.
On the other hand, knowing all of the killers did make for the best scenes of the episode. In the wonderful opening sequence, the Chanels are all working at the hospital and each of the three killers keeps trapping them as they try every avenue to escape. When Wes, Cassidy, and Nurse Hoffel go around the table, taking credit for each of their murders and divvying up who is left to kill, it is psychopathically hilarious. It also goes pretty far in explaining just who offed which characters. As I predicted, Cassidy killed most of the patients and Chanels No. 9 and 11; Wes (or Grace!) killed Chad Radwell, Denise Hemphill, and Sheila, one of the other patients. Nurse Hoffel killed the rest, but not nearly as many.
Next comes the great scene of Cassidy and Wes deciding to kill Chanel after Hester awards that prize to Nurse Hoffel. They collude to kill Chanel, blame Nurse Hoffel for everything, and then walk away scot-free. However, that plan gets twisted when Hoffel realizes that Wes attempted to kill Chanel, putting an end to their original bargain. That’s when Wes becomes a surprisingly willing scapegoat for everything. However, one of the things that wasn’t explained (and keeps alive my hope that Grace is the killer) is this: How did Hester know that Wes was the murderer? I think she’s helping him cover for Grace for some mysterious reason.
At the end of the episode, it appears that we know who each of the three killers are, that one of them is dead, and that everyone left in the hospital thinks they’re safe from the Green Meanie, even though Cassidy and Hoffel are still plotting their revenge against the Chanels. Cassidy tries to save Chanel No. 3, but it turns out that his mother and her insane quest for revenge is stronger than his love for an effectless former heiress in earmuffs. (His mother gets the line of the night when she says, “Pansexual is just bisexual for millennials who want even more attention.”) Oh, and Zayday is still hiding out in his basement and knows that Cassidy is one of the killers.
While the Chanels only spend a small part of this episode not getting killed, they are mostly concerned with taking the MCATs so that they could be guest surgeons on Lovin the D, a parody of those daytime medical shows like Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and The Doctors, all of which got named dropped by Dr. Scarlet Lovin, the girls’ idol. She wants to perform a live surgery, but in order to participate, the girls have to be real med students, which means passing the MCATs.
Of course, none of them are going to actually study. They just figure out a way to cheat that involves Dr. Brock and Dr. Cassidy feeding the answers to Chanel and Chanel No. 3 through earpieces. The best conniption fit of the night goes to Chanel No. 5, apparently the only one who has paid attention during their month in the hospital because she manages to pass the test on her own, using information she acquired as if by osmosis. She also freaks out because the other two cheated and were just going to let her fail. I sort of want Chanel No. 5 to be one of the Green Meanies. Or maybe all of the Chanels will survive only to be felled by Chanel No. 5, who is sick of one too many jokes at her expense.
Speaking of expensive jokes, I was a little disappointed in how the show handled Loving the D. Scream Queens is always at its most potent when it uses its absurd brand of satire against something ridiculous, whether it’s Chanel and her Taylor Swift–esque use of social media or the great episodes from season one where the sorority sisters attacked the rape culture and toxic masculinity (as well as the out-of-control PC policing) that is on display at many college campuses. The daytime medical show is an arena that is just begging out to be mocked, but the show didn’t really do its duty to skewer it in a meaningful way.
Yes, we got a brilliant appearance by Brooke Shields and I was sad to see her go so soon. (She would have been a great addition for the season three that Ryan Murphy is imagining that’s never going to happen.) Although the episode does give the Chanels a new career in television, it’s all too little, too late. Next week is the season finale, and right now there aren’t that many loose ends to tie up — at least the ones that we care about.