Sorry to all of you Scream Queen fans, I was out of the country for a bit and had to abandon our weekly recaps. I see that I didn’t really miss much. We found out that one of the Green Meanies is Dr. Cassidy Cascade, who was the baby in the hospital when his dad was dumped in the swamp. We also learned that he recruited Nurse Hoffel, who is dead housekeeper Ms. Bean’s sister, who got her face burned off by the Chanels last season and she wants revenge. Other than that, not much really happened.
Oh, we also learned that a third Green Meanie is killing people, but Cassidy doesn’t know the identity of this person. It seems that Cassidy is the one who is trying to kill all of the patients because he wants the hospital to close down. As everyone has pointed out, both on the show and otherwise, this makes absolutely no sense. In this episode, his mother Jane says, “Why are you trying to bring logic into this conversation? You do realize that we are insane people, right?” Fair, but also a little beside the point.
The other Green Meanie seems to be the one who is trying to kill the Chanels, both the original three and the ancillary Chanels. This would also be the killer who offed my once and forever crush Chad Radwell and the hilarious Denise Hemphill (may she rest in frozen, cryogenic peace). Just like Hester, I know who the killer is but, unlike Hester, I am going to tell you.
It’s Grace. Yes, that stupid, ugly-hat-wearing, wannabe sorority girl from last season is back and she’s hacking up the Chanels. I’ve been saying this for weeks. When I started, it was mostly a goofy theory, but now it has pretty much been proven by the facts of this episode, which we learn when Grace’s father Wes returns to the hospital with a stomach full of hair and loins full of lust for Dean Munsch.
Wes tells us that he and Munsch moved to rural Oregon so that he could write a book about the history of quarters. (I thought he meant the drinking game, but he meant the actual coin.) Munsch kept him and Grace separate and they didn’t speak for a year. Then Grace was so destroyed by what happened with the Red Devil at college that she went into the mental hospital where, invariably, she is plotting her revenge on the Chanels.
Because Dr. Brock is having bad sex with Chanel and debating the merits of M*A*S*H over Boy Meets World (I mean, BMW, obvs), Munsch replaces him by having sex with Wes again. When they’re about to get it on, the Green Meanie tries to kill them both. “Looks like someone doesn’t want us to get back together,” Wes tells Munsch. Who do you think that is? Grace!
This would explain why Wes had a piece of fabric from the Green Meanie costume and receipt for a machete and a chainsaw in the hairball, which wasn’t caused by pulling out and eating his hair, but drunkenly inhaling a huge wad of hair clippings from a hair salon floor like it’s a greasy slice of 99-cent pizza he bought on the way home from the bar. He’s helping Grace get her revenge. When Chamberlain figures out all of this and confronts him, Wes says that he got back together with Munsch so that he could have unfettered access to the hospital to kill the Chanels. Wouldn’t that make sense for both him and Grace if she really is trying to commit crimes there? We know that Wes has murder on his mind as well, because he offs Chamberlain rather than letting him rat out his plans for revenge.
The episode ends with Wes looking up after he stabbed Chamberlain and seeing someone in the house. That has to be Grace, right? It’s either Grace or whomever the other Green Meanie is. If it’s not Grace, then may I never think of Chad Radwell and Dr. Brock standing peen to peen in the men’s locker room ever again. (That would definitely destroy my sex life, so it has to be Grace.)
The small detail about Grace being in a mental hospital would also explain why Hester, who was also recently locked away, would know the identity of the killer. Maybe she and Grace were in the same place and Grace shared her plans. Maybe she helped Grace come up with the plan in the first place. I don’t know, but this is all starting to make sense — and that is what worries me. As Jane reminded us, how dare we try to apply logic to Scream Queens? It’s like trying to scramble an egg with an old copy of Playgirl magazine.
Other than the Wes/Munsch/Brock/Chanel love rhombus, which, honestly, didn’t really hold my attention even though a shirtless Oliver Hudson was involved, the other big revelation of the episode is when Zayday gets a piece of the Green Meanie’s costume and goes to the world’s creepiest costume shop to find out who made it. Are we kidding with this? What kind of analog bullshit is this? The Green Meanie would have just ordered off of Amazon Prime. It is 2016, people!
Thanks to the costume maker’s patented hand-job dating system, Zayday learns that he’s made three Green Meanie costumes: one in 1986, one a few months ago, and one a few weeks ago. The first and third were both ordered by the same “old woman.” Now, if I were the actress who played Jane, I would be pissed, because even a guy who gets handies in an Italian restaurant wouldn’t say she looked “old.” That would seem to explain the costume she had made for her late brother, the original Green Meanie who avenged her husband’s death. We should assume that is the costume that Cassidy is wearing. The third costume would be the one that he gifted Nurse Hoffel.
The second was a mail order and paid in cash, so the costume maker never saw who it was. That is because it was Grace and she was in an institution and couldn’t send this guy an email and a Venmo like a real actual human being living in the year of our lord Steve Jobs two thousand and sixteen. So, yes, it is all coming together quite nicely but, yet again, that is what worries me about this whole thing.