Nick Viall, Danielle L.
Photo: George Burns/ABC
I think we can’t start this week’s recap without talking a little bit about Corinne as a villain. I don’t think she’s a villain at all. Compare Corinne to the CHAD. The CHAD was all about physical dominance and intimidation, as he was programmed to do. He put his hands on other contesticles, got incredibly close to their faces, and threatened to eat their eyeballs. (He actually didn’t, but you believed me for a second because it sounds like something he’d do.) What has Corinne actually done? Fallen asleep. She laid down quietly and didn’t talk to anyone. She didn’t say or do anything to anyone. I understand being annoyed with her. I understand thinking she’s immature. She doesn’t even seem like she’s really that slutty.
Corinne acts like a 1970s Studio 54 American Girl doll that’s come to life. Someone told her once that she’s sexy, so she just “acts sexy,” but a 14-year-old’s version of sexy. Next week, she’ll probably ask the PAs to get her a ping-pong table she can hide under it during the cocktail party and give Nick a handjob while she drinks a Malibu and Orange Crush. What is the big deal? If you go to the Bachelor and complain that another ladytestant is too sexy, you’re just driving him right into her cropped-moto-jacket-covered arms. Let him get that handy under the ping-pong table and get bored with her. When he’s done, you won’t be the girl who complained about him getting that handy. He’s not your boyfriend. Relax. Taylor, I’m talking to you.
The episode starts at the pool party, with Vanessa telling Nick that she might give him the rose back if he keeps Corinne another week. Girl, you know you’re not giving up that rose. We all know none of you are giving up that rose. We all watched Top Chef. You don’t give up immunity. Corinne is somewhere sleeping on a bed of cheese pasta. Taylor goes to wake up Corinne with Sarah. Sarah and Taylor tell her that she’s being a little entitled. Corinne, a blonde, white, attractive woman under the age of 30 with a nanny, insists that she’s not privileged. Y’all. Y’all. There could be 1,000 hot takes about this moment. That exact thinking is why 53 percent of white-women voters picked Trump.
Before we can solve the failures of non-intersectional feminism, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Raven, Taylor, Whitney (WHO?!?!), Kristina, Jasmine, that shark-ass bitch, Astrid, Danielle M. (do something and get me some points for my fantasy league, damn it!), Jaimi, Josphine, Sarah and … Corinne. Of course. Why wouldn’t Nick give a rose to a hot 24-year-old who insists on shoving her tits in his face every chance they’re alone? And shocker, no one gives their rose back.
It’s time for the ladytestants to pack their bags for their first exotic locale: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Seeing the level of excitement drop from when the ladytestants were told they were going on a trip to when the destination was revealed was amazing to watch. These ladies can find the silver lining to any situation. So they’re off! To Milwaukee!
I’m not trying to shit on Milwaukee. It’s really fun for a day trip in the summer, but they could be in Bali or Mexico by now. The ladytestants are all excited, though, because they might meet Nick’s parents. I would not be excited to meet the parents of the guy I’ve been dating for 12 days. They all arrive in the sweet beach house and head to Waukesha. It’s one of the more diverse hometowns when it comes to Bachelor hometowns. It’s only 88 percent white!
Anyway, Nick’s parents just want to know why he’s putting himself through this fresh hell again. His mom suggests that he’s been single so long, maybe he doesn’t even know what love feels like anymore. Way harsh, mom.
This week, Danielle L. gets the one-on-one date! Nick clearly has the hots for her, but didn’t really plan anything for the date and just shows her various spots in town where he used to make out with babes. Why are the hometown visits always framed as “this is where I had my first dates”? Is that useful information for any relationship? Danielle L. and Nick decorate cookies and lie in the grass when they totally casually run into Nick’s exes! How unplanned! They dated for three months and she tells Danielle L. that if Nick “doesn’t feel it to the point where he feels it, he just backs out.” In my opinion, a woman he dated for three months isn’t going to give you the scoop you need. Either ask someone he dated for two years or someone he hooked up with. Danielle L. gets the rose.
It’s time for the group date. Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M., and Corinne are heading to a dairy farm! The ladytestants are all swooning over Nick feeding baby cows. They have to feed some cows, milk them, and shovel shit. Corinne decides she’s over the whole thing. She’s getting cow shit on her designer shoes, so she’s going to sit down and I don’t blame her. What’s the point of these dates other than forcing the ladytestants into humiliating situations and seeing if they can “roll with the punches”? I’m over it.
During the cocktail hour of the date, Corinne decides to attempt some reconciliation with the other ladytestants. Her version of reconciliation is to be as fake as they are to her. Not the worst plan. In her attempt to tell the girls to bring any problems to her face, Sarah asks if she’s ready to marry a 36-year-old. Taylor, who is younger than Corinne, doesn’t get this grilling, but whatever. Corinne tells Nick that she’s settled all the drama and she’s playing this game right. Kristina gets the group-date rose.
It’s time for the second one-on-one date with Raven, the girl who everyone thought was a leftover from Luke’s casting session. (Maybe one day, Luke … ) Nick spends the entire day telling Raven that she’s the perfect person to meet his family. Not because he’s into her, but because she probably wouldn’t be mean to his little sister. This is weird AF. He has to meet his little sister and spend the entire day talking with her and letting his little sister talk about how much she wants another sister-in-law. How completely awkward would it be to meet the parents of the guy you’ve been dating for 12 days and make small talk with his dad about what your name means?
After a spin around the roller rink, Nick and Raven head to dinner and she tells him about when she walked in on her boyfriend having sex with someone else. Nick keeps goading her the whole time, asking if she flipped out and listened with a giant grin on his face. He’s acting like this is some hilarious party story: the time I walked in on my partner banging someone else. It all feels very emotionally manipulative. With his long, meaningless speeches and empty smiling eyes during heartbreaking stories, is it possible that Nick is just dead inside? Raven gets a rose.
It’s time for the cocktail party. The ladytestants pile into an abandoned barn and Danielle L. doesn’t wait and steals Nick away. Everyone is very upset because she already has a rose and how dare she. Taylor stands near them, shivering in her sleeveless dress in the cold Wisconsin night. She finally gets some time with Nick, but Corinne decides that tonight is the night to tell Taylor exactly what she thinks of her. Corinne and Taylor sit down in front of the fire pit, which begs for one of them to push the other in and really hash it out. Taylor’s mistake is thinking that Corinne gives a fuck what she thinks. Corinne has no obligation to listen to or take Taylor’s advice. As far as Corinne is concerned, what she’s doing is working. Every time she shakes her ass in Nick’s face, she gets a rose. Corinne’s tirade against Taylor doesn’t have any action items. “I just need you to know you think you’re superior to everyone.” Taylor tries to explain the concept of emotional intelligence to an adult woman who has a nanny. Good luck with that. We’ll find out just how well Corinne takes it next week!