Hey, gang! Your friendly Fosters recapper here to report that not one thing from the summer finale has been resolved in “Insult to Injury.” Honestly, the situation has only gotten worse for our Adams Foster family. Like, real worse. Like, Jesus 2 has so much brain swelling after that swift punch to his already damaged head that he has to be put into a medically induced coma. The #NotMyJesus2 movement has never been more necessary.
But never fear! Our fierce, loving, always-know-what-to-do mamas are around to hold our hands and tell us that Jesus will be just fine. Actually, never mind. It turns out Stef and Lena are just as scared about what’s happening to Jesus as the rest of us are. When those two are crying or praying or saying things like, “I just want our boy back,” you know things are bad. As the mamas tell the rest of the clan, all we can do is wait. Jesus has a bolt in his skull to monitor the swelling, and the doctors can’t really say when exactly he’ll wake up. Even when he does, it will be a long battle back to normal for a guy who was just looking to protect his sister. He could wake up with brain damage that causes learning disabilities. He might need to learn how to walk and talk again. He could even have severe personality changes. My guess is it’ll be that last one because as it stands now, the kid is just a blessing and we don’t deserve him.
The other obstacle Jesus will have to handle upon recovery: He’s being charged with assault. Everyone finds it pretty ridiculous that Nick Stratos, the stalker extraordinaire who cut off his ankle bracelet to see Mariana, is pressing charges against Jesus. Unfortunately, both Nick and Mariana told police that Jesus took the first swing. How could Mariana do such a thing, you ask? Well, she’s still hopped up on those ADHD pills she took. The girl is a mess.
Thankfully, Emma is around to inform Lena of Mariana’s latest hobby and Lena, God bless her, doesn’t even hesitate to get her daughter in front of a doctor. I love this lady! Her son is getting brain surgery, but she still has time to ream out Mariana for being an idiot. Even though I’m sure Mariana has some additional reckoning to do with her parents, her more pressing concern is how to deal with her boyfriend. When Emma lays her out for putting Jesus in the hospital (harsh but partially true), Mat overhears everything about Mariana sneaking around to see Nick. Mariana has a whole lot of apologizing to do, but priority number one is getting that long-haired angel back on her side.
Lest you think Lena and Stef will only have two family crises to handle, we should talk about Callie. You can’t really mention the word “crisis” without following it with “Callie,” can you?
Surprise, surprise: Callie is real dumb throughout this hour. I know that Stef and Lena have a lot going on at the moment, and Stef even goes so far as to ask her non-brain-injured children to refrain from any additional drama at the moment (hi Stef, have you ever met your kids?), but so many of Callie’s issues could be solved if she simply TALKED TO HER MOMS. Here’s a fun example of a classic Callie misstep: While attempting to get away from Troy (she suspects him of murdering his grandmother in that whole #FreeKyleSnow story line that never ends), Callie causes a very serious-looking car accident. She calls 911 to report it, but then flees the scene to escape the clutches of Troy. She eventually meets up with Aaron, who immediately tells her to go to the police to give a statement regarding the hit-and-run, but also reminds her not to mention that whole thing about investigating a murder case on her own. Aaron is so smart, if only Callie would listen to him. Callie listens to no one but her heart. Her heart is always wrong.
Instead of, you know, telling her cop mom that she was just involved in an accident and also was riding in the car with a crazy person, Callie joins her family at the hospital and decides the best course of action is to say nothing. It’ll all work itself out. There’s no way Troy will go to the cops on his own, so no one will even know she was ever involved. Why Aaron doesn’t storm off in protest, I’ll never know. I suspect it’s for the free hospital coffee. Law school ain’t cheap, son!
Eventually, the guilt and a well-timed newscast about the hit-and-run get to Callie. Immediately after Stef gives her whole “no more drama” referendum, Callie decides it would be a good time to slip away to the police station and give her statement. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS ALONE? This child gives me heartburn. Of course, she ignores Aaron’s advice, and rather than just giving a statement on the accident, she completely spills on the whole Troy situation. It would be one thing if Stef were there to protect her, but Stef is in the dark. It’s a shame, because who should walk in but shady Detective Gray, the man behind the big Kyle Snow cover-up who has threatened Stef multiple times. He’s a bad dude and now Callie is right where he wants her.
So, I guess there will be some additional drama for the Adams Fosters. Sorry, Stef.
In Other Family News:
- Still feeling simultaneously infuriated by and sad for Brandon? You are not alone. His first decision after learning about his dashed Juilliard dreams is to go have sex with Cortney, the gal he dumped via snail mail. This is a terrible idea! At least Cortney finally realizes that too, and breaks things off for good. She’s nobody’s consolation prize!
- Jude and Noah are still making out and getting high — this time on some random dude’s boat. I’m bored with this whole relationship. But it seems like Jude might be looking to lose his V-card soon. So … that’s something?
- Hot Dad Mike shows up and is just truly the Hottest Dad. He’s over A.J.’s drama with Callie before it even begins. As he points out, the kid is overreacting. Callie said that if she wasn’t dating A.J., she’d consider Aaron, but she is dating A.J. Even better, he notes that what Callie said isn’t mean, it’s just dumb. I’ve never wanted to high-five a fictional character so much.
- A.J. and Callie are so sweet. That reconciliation hug moved me. Can they stay together forever?
- How wonderful is the moment when Aaron confronts Callie about outing him to A.J.? “People literally get killed for being trans, so it’s a really vulnerable thing to share.” Gosh, I love this show.