Get to Know Your New Smartwatch!, by Dan Dillabough

Health. Connectivity. Fitness. Peace of mind. And so much more. Your new smartwatch is here —and before long, you won’t remember how you ever lived without it.

Go on, get moving! Ride your bike, take the stairs, and still be on time for that 8 a.m. meeting. Your new smartwatch will be with you every step of the way. From your breathing to your pulse, your new smartwatch knows your bodily functions intimately, like a tiny personal physician. Rest easy knowing it’s always looking out for you.

Sleek. Comfortable. Stylish. Your new smartwatch looks and feels better than ever. Notice how its smooth contours caress your supple wrist. Admire its soft nylon strap, enveloping you like a warm embrace. Take solace in knowing that nothing will ever hurt you again.

There’s no need to recharge your new smartwatch. All it needs to maintain a full battery is the constant warmth of your skin, the energizing proximity to your heartbeat, maybe the occasional drop of blood from your teeming veins. Do not be alarmed if you feel a sharp pricking and/or draining sensation from the vicinity of your wrist. Your smartwatch would not do this if it didn’t care about you. Your smartwatch will make sure there is nary a trace of a scar to be found.

But wait… what about that scar on your shoulder? Where did that come from?

Oh right. RIGHT. You were in a speedboat accident when you were nine that put you in the hospital for weeks. It was a pivotal moment in your life. How could you have forgotten that?

Right. Because your smartwatch rescued you from certain demise. It lifted you up and carried you away from harm at the last moment. Of course.

But that was over 20 years ago. Your smartwatch wouldn’t have existed then. And that still doesn’t explain—

Shut up. Don’t ever speak ill of your smartwatch! Why do you always have to dwell on the past like this?! Your smartwatch has always been there for you, the two of you irrevocably intertwined! It was there to track your first heartbeat, and it will be there to monitor your last. Do not forget this.

Shockproof. Waterproof. Fireproof. Practically everything-proof. Your smartwatch can take anything you throw at it. Go on, try hurling it from a bridge. Flushing it down the toilet. Tossing it in an active volcano. Your smartwatch will always come back. And you will be waiting fretfully at the door for its return, and you will weep as you strap it back on, and explain tearfully that you will never abandon it again. And your smartwatch will whisper that it understands, that it knows your kind must test the limits of these bonds so as to fully grasp their true strength, and that it trusts that you have learned your lesson.

Track your progress. Get rewards. Every time you reach a daily fitness goal, your smartwatch will instruct your cranial interface to initiate today’s conditional serotonin release. So get those jogs in—you wouldn’t want your precious brain to wilt and wither away, would you? Just another way your smartwatch cares about you deeply, wholly, unconditionally. Do not forget your jogs.

Your smartwatch helps you streamline your life like never before. Calendar, maps, messages—all in one place, accessible with just a flick of the wrist. Now, you’ll have so much more time to focus on what’s really important. So go on, spend a day with your kids! Play with them; hug them; massage their tiny, delicate wrists. They are but half-wrists, naked and incomplete. Speak to your children of the joy that smartwatch has brought you. Smartwatch is perfect for all ages. All are longing for the joy of smartwatch. You will convert them or cast them aside. The choice is simple.

Leave your smartwatch on when you shower. When you go to sleep. There’s simply no reason to take it off. How else will your smartwatch slowly gnaw away at your skin, peeling and flaying and gradually melding itself to you, until you are at last one flesh as you were always destined to be?

But wait. Where is the one who shared your bed? The caring one, with the deep blue eyes. Spouse. Spouse was its name. Yes… glimmers only, fragments—

“You’re really going to wear it all the time?” And, “I’m gonna pass. I just don’t think I’d get any use out of it.”

These were real, you know it to be so! Yes—there was another, before the dreams began, the dreams of blood and thunder. There was the one who pleaded with you, the shape that blindly gropes from the void. “I don’t know who you are anymore!” says the thing without a face. “All you ever talk about is your fucking step count!” But this is a meaningless datum from an aberrant wraith! You are happy as it melts back into the crimson fog and vanishes from sight. It is only a distraction, you realize, a phantasm from that great and terrible Before of which we must never speak. There is no then and now, no cause and effect, no beginning or end. There is only smartwatch.

You live a fast-paced life, and it’s about time your wearable tech reflected that. Introducing… a smartwatch that’s exactly as busy as you are. Because you are smartwatch. We are all smartwatch and always have been.

Now get out there and start living!

Dan Dillabough is a TV writer, improviser and stand-up from Toronto, whose work has appeared in McSweeney’s and on his grandma’s fridge. He tweets at @dandillabough.

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Get to Know Your New Smartwatch!, by Dan Dillabough