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The New Cars 3 Teaser Is Less Traumatic Than the First, But Also Strangely, Uh, Sexual?

Let he or she among us who has not had a crush on an anthropomorphic Disney character (hellooo, Robin Hood) cast the first inanimate stone, but oh my god, what is Pixar getting at with Cars 3? Sure, the first teaser was shocking enough, what with its forcing children to confront mortality in a reverie that was a lot more combustible than Bambi, but the new teaser is somehow even more of a Freudian hail storm, the kind that makes all of the blood pool at the base of your skull as you pray for the detachment of your eyeballs from their sockets. All of which is to say, the new Cars 3 teaser is maybe, kinda, um, sexual? There’s no firm evidence for that reading, just a definite vibe, a series of tight close-ups that languidly ogle the sleek vehicles, and mood music that is about one beat away from bow-chicka-wow-wow grooves. One of the new characters even gets the highly porny name Jackson Storm (Armie Hammer, natch). Oh, but for the days of Mater’s (Larry the Cable Guy) dim but simple charm. We were so young.

The New Cars 3 Teaser Keeps Things Just So Weird