The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Have you ever gone over to your girlfriend’s house to hang out and suddenly it’s like 7:30 p.m.? You’re both hungry, but there’s not really anything in her house and both of you just paid rent so GrubHub is not an option? So she’s like, “Oh, I got this,” then goes into the kitchen and comes back with some snack platters of whatever she’s got in the pantry? Some nights it’s big ol’ hunks of fancy cheese and fine smoked meats and you’re satisfied. Other nights, tho. Other nights you’re sitting around, munching on one piece of pizza cut in half and a handful of Chex Mix. It’s fine … but it’s not dinner.
Tonight’s Real Housewives of Atlanta was not dinner. It was 13 saltines and a hunk of white cheddar that you cut the mold off of. I suppose everyone was on their best behavior because Phaedra opened the pop-up shop for her camp in Flint, but I’m not watching this show for philanthropic efforts! I’m watching for the wigs! For the shade-throwing matches! For the sexual escapades with crystal eggs!
Also, seriously: Can we STOP IT with the Matt business? It’s no longer cute. The more people tell Kenya that she should leave Matt alone, the more pathetic this whole thing is looking. I’m not having fun. Who is having fun here?
Phaedra is getting ready for her pop-up shop and helping her son bake cookies and tie-dye shirts, which is adorable. I would watch a Real Children of Atlanta spinoff show where these adorable little black children bake things. Cynthia calls, asking for tons of details about the pop-up show. Is this what passes for drama now? Old container of spinach dip.
Meanwhile, Sheree is shopping for wall coverings and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open as she dishes about Kenya with her friend Marlo (and Marlo’s leopard jumpsuit). Marlo attempts to bring some drama to the proceedings by mentioning that Kenya didn’t invite her to a bunch of parties. Marlo is offended that she didn’t get an invite to the housewarming and she’s going to send a plumber to Kenya’s house to fix her toilets. I’m dying over here. Give me something! My kingdom for a slab of creamy brie!
Kenya comes home to a montage of her relationship with Matt and finds her house all messed up. How many times has Matt smashed these same exact garage windows? Too many times. This time, he also smashed up a glass door and spray-painted her security cameras. I don’t mean to blame the victim, but Kenya appears to be literally living in a glass house. Maybe she should invest in more secure and opaque building materials.
Kenya calls Kandi looking for some sympathy and you can tell Kandi could not get off that call fast enough. The way she goes, “Nooooo, Kenya” when Kenya suggests she’s obligated to help Matt is the sound of someone who is sick of their friend’s “relationship” drama. Kenya feels obligated to help Matt because … why? Because she promised him he could be in 12 episodes this season? Or because she was taught that a woman’s purpose is to rehabilitate abusive partners? Regardless of the reason, I. Am. Over. It. Kandi suggests a restraining order. That’s a great idea.
Meanwhile, Cynthia’s episode of whatever HGTV show she lives in is stalled because of a “glitch” in the closing process. The house was accidentally appraised at $300,000 higher than what it might actually be worth. What is happening in the Atlanta housing market? Cynthia can’t move into her new place, but her old place was already sold. So she’s basically homeless. She’s going to go stay with Kenya. Oh, boy.
Kenya goes to stop by Phaedra’s office to ask if it’s a good idea to get a restraining order against her boyfriend who keeps smashing her windows. Phaedra says that Apollo was the “nicest” at the beginning of their relationship. Matt and Kenya aren’t even technically dating anymore, but he’s smashing windows and threatening her. KENYA. LEAVE. KENYA. LEAVE. Phaedra suggests counseling, but that’s not really an option for two people who aren’t in a relationship.
Kenya doesn’t know what to do with her relationship, so she decides to stop by Kandi’s guesthouse and just move in to clear her head. She also invites Cynthia. That’s about all that happens there. Oh! Kenya and Kandi also insinuate that Block may have given Porsha a golden shower. In today’s political climate, it all feels very prescient.
It’s time for the pop-up shop! Have you ever wanted to know exactly how much your favorite RHOA swag would cost? Wonder no more. Kenya and Marlo start up some petty little fight about Marlo not being invited to a party she didn’t want to go to in the first place. They don’t settle the argument so much as walk away from each other so Kenya can sell her hair-care line. Apollo’s country-ass parents stop by to support Phaedra and little Ayden’s bake sale. The pop-up shop is a success! Everything wraps up without another hint of conflict, then we get a little petty cherry on top when Bravo tells us exactly how much each Housewife donated to Phaedra. Kandi and Porsha gave upwards of $1,000, donating almost all of their proceeds and some extra to Phaedra. Kenya raised about $450. Sheree donated like $595. This is the level of bitchiness I’m interested in.