The Most Useless Animals in the World, by Max Schwartz

I love animals, but let’s face it, many are dumb, and some are quite useless. These are the five most useless.

1. The Rhinoceros. I hate Rhinos. They’ve been endangered for years, but I’m not sure I see the need. They’re incredibly gray, their skin is all leathery, and their meat probably tastes like crap. Rhinos have a giant horn, which would be useful IF THEY ATE ANYTHING OTHER THAN VEGETABLES! They’re like a vegetarian wielding a giant meat cleaver. Pointless. The Rhino may be able to stick its horn up your ass, but then what? Rhinos are poached for their horn, which is ground up and used for traditional Chinese medicine, but the effectiveness has been disproved. Another hit against Rhinos. I’ve done my research… Rhino poaching should be legal.

2. The Giraffe. The long neck just kills me. The first thing you’ll notice about these beasts is they’re blotchy. The spots really make the Giraffe stand out, not a good idea in Africa! Long neck, long legs, but why? Well, it’s so they can gobble up all the leaves on tress. Good luck finding trees in Sub-Saharan Africa. I’ve timed it and it takes around 30 seconds for a giraffe to start running — so slow and so awkward. I lol’d hard watching a Giraffe trying to drink water on YouTube. They basically have to lay down to take a drink. Ridiculous. Another thing to note, and this really irritates me: They compete in ‘necking battles’ to establish dominance and to prep for mating. Whatever. Probably make the worst pets. If you ever see one in person, you will be amazed — they’re completely useless.

3. The Penguin. Short, stubby, slow, and with zero ability to attack, kill or defend itself against other animals. Polar bears eat these things like popcorn. I’m pretty sure a Penguin dries up and dies if it doesn’t get wet within 24 hours. Another limitation and supporting point for the complete uselessness is that they can’t survive in warm climates. I saw the Penguin movie and it solidified my opinion about these things. These little bastards constantly fight for other Penguin eggs and steal from the weak; a troubling display of dominance, lack of respect for their own species, and disregard for private property. Global warming cannot come soon enough.

4. The HippoThe Hippo is a piece of work. Much like a Rhino, but without a horn. Hippos are always short a few teeth, but that doesn’t stop them from eating every motherfucking thing in sight. If animals gave a shit, they would stage an intervention on these fat asses. Every single one of them is horrendously obese. Their huge mouth allows them to consume incredible amounts of food, only making their already obese frame even fatter. There’s a statistic that Hippos kill more people in Africa than any other animal. If that’s not reason enough to eradicate these things, then I quit. One can only hope for a trend where women begin wearing Hippo skin jackets and boots.

5. The Ostrich. They’re the Giraffe version of a bird. A bird that can’t fly. Read that again — they’re a bird that cannot fucking fly! An Ostrich just runs. This goes against the essence of flight. Seriously, if we lost every single Ostrich on this earth, would anyone care? If I owned a machete or was able to fly a helicopter upside down, I would murder every last one of them. I’m not even sure where Ostriches come from, but if they went extinct tomorrow, I wouldn’t lose any sleep.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Max Schwartz is a writer who doesn’t eat sushi in the winter.  He has written for Splitsider, Someecards, and has his own Twitter account. He coined the term “Don’t look at me,” and spends his time settling internet arguments.

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The Most Useless Animals in the World, by Max Schwartz