September 7, 1806
SOME PERSONAL NEWS STOP
I HAVE WORKED AT JOHNSONVILLE ADVERTISER FOR THREE YEARS STOP
AND COVERED ALL MANNER OF HAPPENINGS IN JOHNSONVILLE GOVERNMENT AND BEYOND STOP
BUT TODAY MARKS BEGINNING OF NEW ADVENTURE STOP
ON OCTOBER 4 I WILL START AS A NEWS-PAPER MAN AT HAPSBURG CHRONICLE-DEMOCRAT STOP
FOCUSING ON IDIOSYNCRASIES OF SMALL TOWN LIFE LIKE MYSTERY OF LADY ELLESBURG’S MISSING COW DAISY STOP
AND CONSTRUCTION OF NEW CORNER-STORE STOP
AND SCUTTLEBUTT REGARDING LATE-NIGHT VISITORS OF ABIGAIL LACEY STOP
I AWAIT YOUR CONGRATULATIONS STOP
September 10, 1806
I HAVE NOT RECEIVED RESPONSES STOP
LET ME TELL YOU MORE ABOUT HAPSBURG CHRONICLE-DEMOCRAT STOP
SUCH AS ITS COMMITMENT TO HIGH STANDARDS OF JOURNALISM STOP
WE WILL WORK ON PROJECTS SUCH AS FEATURE IN WHICH I GO TO THE COURT-HOUSE TO INTERVIEW LAW-BREAKERS STOP
AND COLUMN IN WHICH EDITORIAL BOARD DISCUSSES SLAVES THAT HAVE RUN FROM THEIR OWNERS STOP
WE CHANGED WORLD AT JOHNSONVILLE ADVERTISER BUT I AM EXCITED FOR NEW CHAPTER STOP
I WILL FOREVER CHERISH FRIEND-SHIPS I MADE LIKE HAROLD CLARK MY EDITOR WITH BOW-LEGS STOP
I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR TELEGRAMS STOP
September 12, 1806
MY DEAR FRIEND JAMES HAYNESWORTH HAS WRITTEN AN ARTICLE STOP
IT IS REGARDING A COBBLER WHO ALSO IS A BLACKSMITH STOP
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ PLEASE TRAVEL TO NEW DORSET BY HORSE-BUGGY AND ASK AROUND STOP
September 13, 1806
I HAVE UNCOVERED A SCOOP-LET STOP
SABRINA BUTLER THE PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER IS LUTHERAN STOP
THAT IS ALL FOR THE MOMENT STOP
September 14, 1806
JOHN QUINCY ADAMS IS A VILE PIMP STOP
September 18, 1806
IF YOU ENJOY MY TELEGRAMS PLEASE COPY THEM TO ACQUAINTANCES STOP
MANY NEWS-PAPER MEN WOULD BE EXCITED TO HEAR MY JOURNALISTIC PURSUITS STOP
IF YOU WOULD LIKE KNOWLEDGE OF THE NEWS-PAPER BUSINESS PLEASE SEND MESSAGE BY PRIVATE COURIER STOP
MY FIRST STORY WILL FOLLOW HARRISON SMITH A POOR FARMER YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT STOP
PLEASE PARDON THE GRAMSTORM STOP
October 4, 1806
I AM AT NEW JOB STOP
I AM SENDING THIS GRAM FROM JACKSON CITY STOP
HERE THE PEOPLE ARE GRIMY AND THE COAL MINES BELCH SMOKE THROUGH THE DAY STOP
THE MAN AT THE GENERAL STORE HAS SEEN MY GRAMS STOP
HE TOLD ME I SHOULD STICK TO DAY JOB STOP
I WILL BE HAPPY TO STICK TO SOMETHING THAT PROVIDES ME CURRENCY STOP
IT IS FUNNY STOP
HA HA STOP
THE CHILDREN NOW STRING TOGETHER INTERJECTIONS TO REPRESENT LAUGHTER STOP
HA HA HA SEE STOP
THIS HAS BEEN DISPATCH FROM JACKSON CITY THE HOME OF THE DISGUSTING MINERS STOP
IT IS THE FIRST DAY OF REST OF MY LIFE STOP
Jon Wolper is a writer and journalist living in Washington, D.C. His writing has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, GQ.com, and several dusty corners of the internet. He tweets here.
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit your work for consideration, send it here.
