With punch lines from Conan O’Brien, Seth Meyers, John Oliver, Trevor Noah, Samantha Bee, Stephen Colbert, and more. Watch a highlight reel above and then read the full list below.
Conan O’Brien: Two things happened last night: Donald Trump got elected president, and my job just got easier for the next four years.
Seth Meyers: Donald Trump won the presidential election last night, and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, “No, he didn’t!”
John Oliver: Instead of showing our daughters that they could someday be president, America proved that no grandpa is too racist to be leader of the free world.
Cristela Alonzo: I was a little bummed after the election, but I thought I was going to be okay until the day after, when I started getting all these phone calls and texts from my white friends making sure I was okay. Nothing scares the hell out of you like white people being worried about your future … They’d send me calls like, “Hey, Cristela, we tried. Don’t worry, it gets better.” “Hey, Cristela, our thoughts are with you. Let me know if you’re okay.” I’m like, was I running against him? Is that why he won? Because I didn’t campaign at all.
Conan O’Brien: Some people are admitting that it’s weird to say “President-elect Trump.” It’s especially weird for me because “President-elect Trump” happens to be my safe word.
Jimmy Fallon: Donald Trump is gonna be president. Republicans hope he’ll keep his promise to build the wall, and Democrats hope he’ll keep his promise not to accept the election results.
Jimmy Kimmel: It was a big surprise. I think it was even a big surprise to Donald Trump. Did you see his victory speech? He didn’t want this. He wanted to win — but he doesn’t actually want to be president … His plan was to go home to Mar-a-Lago, play 5,000 rounds of golf, phone in to Trump TV every morning for ten years, and then die on the toilet.
Hasan Minhaj: For the past 15 years, I’ve been blamed for 9/11. White Americans are now responsible for 11/9.
Dave Chappelle: Donald Trump, he did it. He’s our president. I feel bad saying it. I’m staying at a Trump hotel right now. I don’t know if he’s going to make a good president, but he makes a swell hotel suite, Imma tell you that. Housekeeping comes in in the morning, cleans my room. And I just, “Hey, good morning, housekeeping.” Grab a big handful of pussy and say, you know, “Boss said it was okay.”
Bill Burr: I don’t understand why everybody is so upset. What’s going to happen to you? If you liked Obama, did he call you at all in the last eight years? Did he ever put a sandwich on your table? You do that. You’re going to keep doing that. You’re gonna be fine.
Keegan-Michael Key as Luther, Obama’s anger translator: Y’all gonna vote for the dude that’s going to make America hate again? Don’t you understand? This is how The Hunger Games starts!
Samantha Bee: Electing Trump was the democratic equivalent of installing an aboveground pool. Even if we’re lucky and it doesn’t seep into our foundations, the neighbors will never look at us the same way again.
Aziz Ansari: I’m sure there’s a lot of people voted for Trump the same way a lot of people listen to the music of Chris Brown, where it’s like, “Hey, man! I’m just here for the tunes. I’m just here for the tunes! I don’t know about that other stuff. I just like the dancing and the music. I don’t condone the extracurriculars.” If you think about it, Donald Trump is basically the Chris Brown of politics. And “Make America Great Again” is his “These hoes ain’t loyal.”
Michelle Wolf: If there’s one thing that’s keeping me going: As much as we hate the idea of Trump as president, it’s nothing compared to how much he’s going to hate being president. He has no idea what’s coming. It’s like I’m watching him walk into a car wash without a car.
Samantha Bee: Last month, Americans in their wisdom elected a leaky whoopee cushion full of expired cottage cheese.
Trevor Noah: Look at his face. Look at that man. That is the face of a man whose bluff has been called, and he’s only holding a two. And now that face will be the face that represents America to the world. That is the face that will address the nation after a tragedy. That is the face that will command the most powerful military in the world. Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Kennedy, Reagan, Obama. And, now, Trump. One of these things is not like the other. And if you’re thinking it’s Obama because he’s black, you probably voted for Trump.
Dave Chappelle: Trump went to go see Obama last week, did you see that? You see Trump’s face when he came out of the meeting? … He looked shook. Probably came in there, “How are you, Mr. President? Good to see you.” “Hello, Donald. How ya feeling?” “Oh, God. Got to tell you, this job looks like it’s going to be a lot harder than I thought.” “Really? It’s not that hard, I mean at least you get to be white while you’re doing it.” “I’m just saying, I’m a little nervous.” “Nervous? Come on man, relax, you haven’t even met the aliens yet. It’s going to be all right.”
Bill Burr: Dude, the star of a reality show is going to run the country. The guy who decided if Bret Michaels or Cyndi Lauper would make a better CEO for a company that doesn’t exist is going to be running stuff.
Keegan-Michael Key as Luther, Obama’s anger translator: He doesn’t even want the job, y’all. I saw it in his eyes. The dude was shook. The only reason he ran is because his factory in China made too many red hats!
Stephen Colbert: With roughly seven weeks until he takes office, President-elect Donald Trump still has a few things he’s researching, like, “What does the president do?”
Seth Meyers: I have been wrong about him every step of the way. Wrong that Trump wouldn’t run; wrong that he wouldn’t get the GOP nomination; wrong that he wouldn’t win. The good news is, based on my pattern of getting it all wrong, he’s going to be a great fucking president.
Conan O’Brien: It’s expected to rain in Washington during Donald Trump’s inauguration. In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “The sky is rigged.”
James Corden: It was announced that the B-Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen cover band that was booked for an inauguration gala, has since decided to cancel out of respect for Springsteen’s opposition to Donald Trump. You know it’s bad when even a cover band is like, “We don’t want to compromise our artistic integrity like that.”
Jimmy Fallon: Donald Trump’s inaugural committee is actually encouraging protesters to show up on Friday, saying, quote, “We’ll give you cookies and Kool-Aid.” Then Republicans in Congress were like, “Actually, we drank all the Kool-Aid.”
Conan O’Brien: Donald Trump’s inauguration is expected to be the most costly in U.S. history. And that’s not even factoring in the money.
Lewis Black: You want to know why so many celebrities died in 2016? It was to get out of playing the goddamn inauguration … I’ve got my tickets, and I’m going to go no matter what — because I want to be there when Trump touches the Bible and his hand catches on fire.
Jimmy Fallon: I saw that Trump himself is selling inauguration sweatshirts for $79. I know it sounds expensive for a sweatshirt, but just imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America.
Seth Meyers: Donald Trump’s inauguration ceremony is this Friday, which means Mike Pence’s is on Monday.
Trevor Noah: I have a feeling January 20, 2017, will be the day time-travelers go back to try and save the future. Around 11:30 today, part of me was expecting Marty McFly to show up and say, “Doc, Doc … we’ve got to stop him!”
Samantha Bee: Listen, Mr. President, you don’t know me, I’m Sam Bee. I make a lot of jokes about you. I don’t think you’re Hitler. However, that Goldman Sachs worm-tongue who tells you what to say is filling your mouth with more Nazi code than Enigma. Are you the only 70-year-old man in America who doesn’t watch the History Channel?
Conan O’Brien: Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted that millions of people voted illegally on Election Day. Then someone told Trump it’s not illegal for women to vote.
Seth Meyers: President Trump had dinner with Mike Pence in the presidential dining room today. Pence said grace, and Trump said, “There were 1.5 million people at my inauguration.”
John Oliver: “President Trump”: Two words that will always sound unnatural together, like “fuckable clown” or “Wolf Blitzer.”
Stephen Colbert: Trump might want to put in some more hours if he just wants to get his popularity up. He’s got the lowest approval rating of any incoming president in modern history. But, hey, it’s not a popularity contest. And neither was the election.
Samantha Bee: Friday, the world watched America swear in, as its 45th president, the concept of white-male mediocrity. Oh yeah, it really happened. Donald Trump laid his little pussy-grabbing paw on top of two more books than he’s ever read in his life and spoke the most solemn vow he’s ever uttered since his third wedding.
Stephen Colbert: We’re just ten days in and it feels like it’s total chaos at the White House. This is supposed to be the honeymoon. How could Trump blow the honeymoon? He’s had three of them.
Seth Meyers: President Trump took office one month ago today. Wow, it’s hard to believe the past few years have only been a month!
Bill Burr: He is the greatest shit talker of all time. He sat at a $100,000 [White House Correspondents’ Dinner], sits there, the guy totally trashes him, he’s absolutely humiliated, and within two or three years, he had that guy’s job. You could never talk shit to him. “Hey, Don, one time I was in a bar and this guy came up to me — ?” “Oh, really? One time I paid $100,000 for breakfast and President Obama trashed me and two years later I had his fucking job. I kicked him out of his house.”
Seth Meyers: Donald Trump visited President Obama in the White House today, which got Trump really excited to do his favorite thing: evict a black family from their home.
Colin Jost: Donald Trump is considering splitting his time between the White House and his Manhattan residence, which would cost taxpayers tens of millions of dollars. But it’s all worth it to help a billionaire go night-night in his big-boy bed.
Seth Meyers: The price of gold increased today after falling to its lowest level in almost a year. Which can only mean one thing: Trump is remodeling his bathroom.
Jimmy Kimmel: This might not be the best time to make contact with aliens. They say, “Take us to your leader.” What do we do at that time? “Our leader’s a little busy on Twitter right now. How about we take you to Oprah? She’s nice, you’ll like her.”
Trevor Noah: [Trump] doesn’t want to read, he doesn’t want to have briefings. Trump watches Fox to get his news. You realize the reason that we need the news is because we don’t have what the president has, which is all of the information! And then Trump is turning on the news going, “I wonder what I do today. I wonder what happens.” You are the news!
Jimmy Fallon: A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, “Thank God I’m not a taxpayer!”
John Oliver: Donald Trump is: America’s wealthiest hemorrhoid, America’s walking, talking brush fire, Rome burning in man form, an ill-fitting suit full of chickens coming home to roost, Twitter’s id made manifest, a sentient circus peanut, a racist voodoo doll made of discarded cat hair, a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy, an upside-down piece of candy corn in a wig made of used medical gauze, a clear plastic bag filled with cheeseburgers and Confederate-flag belt buckles, an old piece of luggage covered in Cheez Whiz, a kidney dropped on the floor of a Supercuts, what happens if the secret gets into the wrong hands.
Seth Meyers: The latest polls show President Trump has an approval rating in the low 40s, which means he’s probably about to dump it for one in the low 20s.
Michael Che: Crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better if Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. We can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops into his head, and he’s so petty and so vindictive. How long before he tweets out the president of China’s home phone number because he got a bad egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up to a briefing, I hope they give him headphones and an iPad and make him watch Frozen.
Colin Jost: On Tuesday, Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force One because it cost too much. Which is weird, because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.
Stephen Colbert: [Trump said, “I inherited a mess.”] No, you inherited a fortune, we elected a mess.
Colin Jost: It was revealed Donald Trump will keep his job as the executive producer of The Celebrity Apprentice while he’s president. It’s an absurd, unethical, and potentially illegal conflict of interest — only on NBC.
Seth Meyers: President Trump today met with executives from the pharmaceutical industry, and they once again explained to him that there’s no such thing as Viagra for your hands.
James Corden: Yesterday, Donald Trump sat down to dinner with Mitt Romney at the gourmet Jean Georges French restaurant in the Trump International Hotel, because nothing says “man of the people” like eating an $800 dinner in a tower you named after yourself.
Stephen Colbert: Check one’s calendar, because right now we are 43 days from the inauguration, and Donald Trump continues to fill out his Cabinet. Watching Trump pick these people is like watching your nana get a sponge bath: You know it has to be done, but it’s still upsetting.
Jimmy Fallon: Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as Education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or, as Trump calls that, “a landslide.”
Seth Meyers: According to the New York Times, the White House kitchen has been stocked with President Trump’s favorite snacks, including Lay’s potato chips. And his Cabinet has been filled with crackers.
Conan O’Brien: Donald Trump’s pick for secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, was once the president of the Boy Scouts of America. Or, as Donald Trump calls that, “government experience.”
Trump on Immigration
Bill Burr: “I’m going to build a wall.” Really, you’re going to do that? You’re going to build a wall from fucking California to Texas? Have you ever done that drive? Dude, I’ve done that drive. Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles. That’s a two-day drive at 80 miles an hour. Wall, wall, wall. You’re in there like John Goodman in Raising Arizona. How many times are you going to go to Home Depot? You actually think you’re going to get this done? Look how long it took to build the Freedom Tower, and we wanted that shit. It took 15 years.
Andy Borowitz: It’s so unfair that Trump is banning some people who want to destroy the U.S. from entering the country while putting so many others of them in his Cabinet.
Jimmy Kimmel: If Donald Trump stops all the immigrants from coming into the country, where’s he going to find his next wife?
Andy Borowitz: At this point, the U.S. should remove the Statue of Liberty or face lawsuits for false advertising.
Seth Meyers: Donald Trump told supporters last night not to harass Latinos and Muslims, saying, “I will say right to the cameras, ‘Stop it’ ” — and then he winked so hard his wig unsnapped.
Aziz Ansari: We’ve always been divided by some of these big political issues … The problem is, there’s a new group. I’m talking about this tiny slice of people that have gotten way too fired up about the Trump thing for the wrong reasons … You know who I’m talking about. There’s like this new, lowercase KKK movement that started, this kind of casual white supremacy … I’m talking about these people that are running around saying stuff like, “Trump won! Go back to Africa!” “Trump won! Go back to Mexico!” They see me: “Trump won, go back—to where you came from.” Yeah. They’re not usually geography buffs.
Andy Borowitz: So far, Trump has created thousands of jobs for immigration lawyers and airport police.
Conan O’Brien: Today, President Trump signed an executive order authorizing the building of the border wall. It’s guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel.
Colin Jost: A federal judge last night temporarily blocked President Trump’s travel ban from being enforced. But Trump’s not too worried about it, because for him, getting temporarily blocked is just foreplay.
Trump and Russia
Stephen Colbert: We just learned from multiple intelligence sources that Trump aides were, quote, “in constant touch with senior Russian officials during the campaign.” Constant Touch, by the way, is also Trump’s Secret Service code name.
Bill Maher: I do not believe our new President Donald Trump paid Russian prostitutes to pee on him. I believe they did it, I just don’t believe he paid them!
Jimmy Kimmel: Trump spoke with a number of foreign leaders over the weekend, including the president of Mexico, the prime minister of Germany. He also spoke with Vladimir Putin for about an hour. Putin wanted to know if Trump liked the gift he got him. Donald told him, yes, he was enjoying the presidency very much.
Seth Meyers: Organizers have announced that Donald Trump will attend two inaugural balls during his first week in office. One in Washington, D.C., and then, of course, the real one in Moscow.
Conan O’Brien: In a tweet today, Donald Trump compared the way he’s been treated to Nazi Germany. Which is unfair, because everyone knows Hitler won his election without the help of the Russians.
Colin Jost: In 2013, Putin awarded [Rex] Tillerson the Order of Friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States.
Trump’s International Relations
Conan O’Brien: In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a replacement for Obamacare that will provide insurance for everybody. Yeah, it’s called “move to Canada.”
Jimmy Kimmel: Am I the only one who gets nervous every time he meets a new world leader? It’s like introducing a heavily tattooed girlfriend to your parents.
Conan O’Brien: Yesterday, without mentioning Donald Trump, Pope Francis urged everyone to build bridges, not walls. So today, without mentioning the pope, Donald Trump said, “Francis is a girl’s name.”
Seth Meyers: Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu said today that there is no greater supporter of the Jewish state than President Trump. Said Trump, “Absolutely, I love Florida. Fantastic Jewish state.”
Trevor Noah: Trump is either a genius or he’s the biggest idiot the world has ever seen. Because I honestly wonder if Trump’s plan is to be such a bumbling fool, that Israel and Palestine are going to get together in a room and be like, “I think we can both agree that guy’s a fucking moron. We’d better sort this problem before he tries to help out.”
John Oliver: Just a quick message to all other countries on earth: In the future, you’re going to find yourself wanting to ask, “What is your president talking about?” a great deal. And the answer is almost always going to be, “We have no fucking idea.”
Colin Jost: I think one interesting thing is how much we’re learning about government and the world from Trump. Before this, I never knew who the prime minister of Australia was, because our president had never hung up on him before. We’re learning which Muslim countries are threats, and which Muslim countries have Trump hotels … And we’re learning that Frederick Douglass is alive and well, and that he’s doing an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, Trump noticed. And we’re definitely learning about checks and balances, because this is all becoming a dark, gritty reboot of Schoolhouse Rock, where a bill becomes a law on its own terms.
Trump and the Media
Conan O’Brien: A Trump administration official said that whenever the media criticizes the president, they will call it “fake news.” And whenever the media praises the president, they will call it “Fox News.”
John Oliver: Trump dominates the news cycle like a fart dominates the interior of a Volkswagen Beetle: There is simply no escaping him.
The Culture Wars
Conan O’Brien: Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to send federal troops to Chicago. The weird part is, not the city, the musical.
Seth Meyers: Meryl Streep was given the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes last night and used her acceptance speech to criticize Donald Trump. That’s right, the all-time queen of American drama was criticized by Meryl Streep.
The Trump Family
Jimmy Kimmel: Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.
Seth Meyers: [The White House press secretary] Sean Spicer said today that Nordstrom’s decision to stop carrying Ivanka Trump’s clothing line is “an attack on the president’s policies and his daughter.” Well, that’s what his mouth said; his eyes said, “Help me, my boss is insane!”
Conan O’Brien: Kellyanne Conway compared Donald Trump to Jesus. That’s right, two guys who started out by inheriting their father’s business.
Seth Meyers: Us Weekly released their new cover story on Donald Trump’s children and promised “everything you didn’t know about the Trump kids.” “Is it their names?” asked Trump.
Conan O’Brien: Today, Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, “The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka.”
The Next Four Years
Michelle Wolf: The irony is, after all of this, Trump’s reward is a library. A library. The guy who never reads. What’s he going to do with a library? It’s like giving Stephen Hawking a bicycle.
Jimmy Kimmel: You know how over the course of his time in office, over four years or eight years, the president gets old and his hair turns gray? During this administration, instead of him, that’s going to happen to all of us.
Trevor Noah: We all know that Donald Trump is going to destroy the world. But we cannot deny that it’s going to be an amusing destruction.
Michael Che: I’m starting to feel bad for Donald Trump. In just the span of one day, he was in a losing battle with three federal judges, a decorated war hero, and a department store … It’s sad, man. I hope Trump quits. Donald, is this really how you want to spend the last two years of your life?
Michelle Wolf: Trump never wanted the job of president. He just wanted to be Mr. U.S.A., put on a sash, and tell people how you change the world without actually having to change it. But instead, Trump has gone from being a carefree billionaire to a public servant. Yeah, Donald J. Trump, you just became America’s butler. Now go fix our health care and make me a sandwich, you sunburned bitch.
*This article appears in the March 6, 2017, issue of New York Magazine.