As our time in Hawaii winds down, it seems like the amount of drama has wound down with it. With most of the Housewives agreeing to a chilly truce, there’s not a whole lot to do. I mean, there is the divorce party meltdown, and just the whole concept of Bob as a person, and well … that roast is pretty whack. How does this show manage to make it feel like absolutely nothing happened while several truly bonkers things happened? I don’t remember that many scenic shots of the Hawaiian sunset and the Four Seasons hotel and resort.
Everyone starts their morning in a way that makes it feel like a screenwriter has drafted what would best represent what matters most to each character. Kandi and Todd are FaceTiming with their children. Sheree is staring out toward the horizon, doing edits on her book of gossip disguised as a novel. Porsha and Todd are giggling in bed together. Phaedra and Kenya are trying to mend their friendship over a game of tennis. Andy Cohen counts his money. Phaedra is being a little wary about Kenya’s friendship and keeping a few secrets about her divorce from her because that’s the real way to mend a friendship: withholding. Meanwhile, Cynthia and Peter are having breakfast for his birthday and he mentions that he had the thought that he wanted to call her in the middle of the night. Peter. You need to QUIT. Both of them need to quit. In between heartfelt expressions of loss and regret, they’re pondering if they should hook up again in 15 to 20 years. Cynthia gives him a blinged out Bible as a parting gift. Cynthia tells him that she feels she was a terrible wife to him. Don’t forget about the loans and the money and all the girls he spent time calling, but sure, Cynthia was the bad partner here.
Kandi and Todd decide to set up a roast for Peter for his birthday and take over an outdoor space at this hotel. The amount these people must be paying in rental fees and deposits baffles me. Everyone shows up for the dinner and with each arrival, the entire island becomes more tense. Sheree arrives and Bob is staring her down because — oh, he’s decided that the best path to rekindling their relationship is to remind her of his past abuses. And he’s wondering why it’s not going well.
They try to have a roast of Peter and it’s so boring, I don’t even want to dignify it with a recap. That this group of women and their men couldn’t manage one seething takedown of Peter is a shame. Do better, Real Housewives.
The next day, Kandi arranges a boat ride for everyone and instead of being able to enjoy the beautiful sunset, Bob attempts to apologize. Of course, it comes out as, “I wasn’t doing anything wrong, so what’s your problem?” Sheree is able to stand up for herself and finally tells him that when he left her for six months without any warning ten years ago, she was hurt by that. This is apparently news to Bob. He engages in some classic emotionally terrible behavior and asks if Sheree wants him to slit his wrists. Why do we keep exposing audiences to these men who love to engage in abusive behavior and show no more remorse for it? I don’t know if that’s a Real Housewives specific point or just like … a macro point. Everyone is up on the deck of the boat and listening in to the conversation as if it’s a juicy piece of gossip and not their friend having to deal with her awful ex-boyfriend. I feel so deeply for Sheree and want her to be happy and I think everyone else could just be bounced off the boat.
When they get back to shore, Kenya unveils her plan for the evening. It’s a divorce party! This would be up my alley. The banner for the party says, “I do, I did. I’m done!” Put that on my tombstone. Cynthia comes in and is stunned for a moment, but really gets into cutting up her “BRIDE TO BE” sash. Phaedra walks in and reacts as if the ladies gave her a dead mouse to eat. She’s disgusted. She claims that the women are disrespecting the sanctity of marriage and applauding penises. Somewhere along the line, I think Kenya bought bachelorette party games instead of divorce appropriate games. There’s a real “find a new man” vibe that explains several of these women’s life choices.
Anyway, Phaedra does not find this funny and she doesn’t want to tell anyone that the divorce is finalized, so she storms out and says she has to get some ginger ale. Which we all know is code for, “You thirsty, tacky hoes are the bane of my existence and I wish you all had been bounced out of a boat.” Phaedra decides that best way to leave the party is to text Porsha literally seconds after she’s closed to the door to the suite. She texts Porsha that the other women don’t respect families and marriage and that it’s funny that the host of the party is eager to celebrate her divorce considering THIS! — cut to Phaedra pointing to a montage of Kenya flirting with Apollo. Kenya goes up to Phaedra’s room, where Porsha is brushing Phaedra’s hair.
Phaedra tells Kenya that it’s appalling that she would throw a party celebrating children losing their father. Phaedra needs to relax. It was a FedEx Kinkos banner and a cake. Kenya throws the restoration hardware ceremony in Phaedra’s face and now she’s trying to tear the group apart. Kenya asks her if she wants to pray on it. Phaedra’s tummy hurts. Kenya asks if she’s too sick to have time for God. Phaedra responds that Kenya can dismiss herself. That’s the way I’m going to end every social interaction from here on out.
I guess the Hawaii vacation was a bit of a bust. No grand reconciliations, but according to Kandi, at least Porsha admitted she’s a liar. The episode ends with everyone laughing like a sitcom about Peter getting a little birthday booty. At the end of the day, they still know how to have fun.