L-R: Paul-Louis, Adam, Fran.
For all the talk of Lena Dunham baring her body and just how sexually explicit Girls can be, Hannah certainly didn’t hook up with that many people over the course of six seasons. In fact, she spent most of her time in relationships with both Fran and Adam (and Adam again and Adam again). In fact, there are only 11 people on the show that we know Hannah got it on with. Here they are, ranked in order of their greatness.
11. Ray: Please can we all just forget the bad road head Hannah gave Ray for picking her up in the wilderness in his coffee truck? I’m sure both of them want to as well.
10. Some Random Yoga Instructor: This is Hannah’s only dip in the lady pond (that we’ve seen), and she can’t even bother going through with it. It might be because she wasn’t interested in going down on another woman while at an all-female retreat with her mother, or it could be that she was cheating on Fran at the time. Either way, Hannah didn’t like the heat of the sauna and got out of there quick.
9. Frank: Hannah only had sex with Jessa’s underage stepbrother in a graveyard when they went to go visit Jessa’s father upstate because she thought they were on a “sexcapade.” She figured Jessa was boning his friend, Tyler, in the car and she didn’t want to ruin the vibe. The next morning, we find out that Frank is probably a virgin (though he claims that he was deflowered by Rihanna), that he didn’t put it in, he just came in Hannah’s thigh crease, and that he’s most likely in love with Tyler. Yup, that makes two gay dudes Hannah has slept with in her life. She’s her mother’s daughter.
Watch the most painfully self-centered things Hannah has ever said.
8. Eric: It seems so long ago that Hannah returned to Michigan to attend her parent’s anniversary party, but ended up going out with this hunky pharmacist instead. They have a nice, sweet, wholesome time and go back to his place for nice, sweet, wholesome sex. At this point, Hannah is used to getting it on with Adam and is ready for more hard-core stuff than Eric is into. She even gets chastised when she tries to stick a finger in his butt. He is a sweet, handsome gentleman with a good job, but Hannah’s future lies east, not in East Lansing.
7. Sandy: Remember when everyone said Girls had too many white people on it and the response was to give Hannah a black boyfriend for two episodes? That’s Sandy (Donald Glover). Their relationship is short-lived, however, when it’s revealed that Sandy thinks Hannah is a bad writer and that he’s actually politically conservative. He also accuses Hannah of fetishizing him because he’s black, a keen meta commentary on what he was doing there in the first place.
6. Paul-Louis: All due respect to Patrick Wilson, but Riz Ahmed, who plays the drawling surf instructor Hannah hooks up with on assignment, is probably the hottest guy we’ve seen her do the dirty with. (And thank god there was not one think piece about how she didn’t “deserve” him.) More importantly, Paul-Louis got Hannah to break through her shell of misery and learn to love life, if even for a moment. Sure he has some commitment and motivational issues, and the way he reacted when Hannah told him that he got her pregnant was cringeworthy, but at least Hannah’s son is going to be really freakin’ handsome.
5. Joshua: Yes, this is Patrick Wilson’s incredibly handsome doctor who plays naked ping-pong with Hannah while they have a lost weekend of lovemaking and soul-baring. Incredibly eligible, devastatingly attractive, wealthy, and ambitious, Joshua is like a dream husband for Hannah, one she can’t manage to hang onto for more than a couple of days. It’s probably for the best, because this is never the conventional life she wanted. Still, it delivered one of the series’s most iconic episodes and a killer surprise when he shows up in season six to tell Hannah that she’s pregnant.
4. Laird: It’s funny to think that Laird, the former junkie who lives below Hannah, once had sex with her way back in season two, but it was more of a pity fuck than anything. Hannah had used him to get drugs for her and Elijah for their crazy night at a rave, and then only did the deed with him for an article. Laird later proves he’s an upright (though kind of dim) guy and an upstanding father — he’s a great human even if he is an awful lover.
3. Adam: Yes, everyone will say that he’s the love of her life (let’s wait to see what happens in the finale, shall we?), but Adam has always dicked Hannah around. First it was not being able to commit, then it was not being interested in her because of his art. Then, he had another woman move in when she was away at Iowa and was too cowardly to break up with her. Later, he hooks up with Jessa without telling Hannah and mines her life for his film. And finally, he whisks her off for a day of sex and Target shopping, pretending like he’s going to raise her baby. I mean, what does Adam really want from her? Yes, he’s hotter than a Sunday in August in his un-air-conditioned apartment, and no one ever understood her like him, but he’s also the dude who peed on her in the shower without asking.
2. Elijah: By the time we meet Elijah, his romantic relationship with Hannah is way in the past, but he becomes an integral part of her life. When Marnie, Jessa, and Shoshanna all drift away, he’s still there to support her and pat her hair with his pizza hand. Yes, he’s selfish and can be kind of a jerk, but he wanted to face the dangers of Manhattan together with Hannah their whole lives, and he’s always been there to do just that — and sing Demi Lovato to her in the dark when she can’t sleep. Of all the guys in her life, this is the one who will stick around for good.
1. Fran: Employed, hunky, and totally into Hannah no matter how weird she got, Fran was absolutely perfect. He didn’t even freak out too hard when she deleted all of his naked pictures of ex-girlfriends from his phone. Fran is the woke bae we all wish we had and Hannah threw away. This is the guy she’s going to be wondering about the rest of her life, and I will be, too. Fran, if you ever want to get married, I’m available.