Samantha Bee closed out her Not the White House Correspondents’ Dinner with a bang at the DAR Constitution Hall on Saturday. Taking a page out of The Man in the High Castle’s playbook, Bee ended her special by imagining a world where Hillary Clinton, not Donald Trump, was elected president of the United States. After George Takei gave her a “tape” that revealed this alternate universe, Bee jumped into a monologue that made her momentarily stop and tear up at certain moments during Friday’s rehearsal.
The segment begins as follows, in an alternate world where Clinton just finished introducing Bee at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner:
Thank you, Madam President. Distinguished members of the press. What a 2017 it’s been so far, huh guys? Hillary Clinton was sworn in as president. The Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Beyoncé won a Grammy. Every print of La La Land spontaneously combusted. For a week after President Clinton won, we all heard this loud buzzing noise. I think it was the sound of the whizzing bullet we just dodged. Or it was Bill O’Reilly’s vibrator. Although, according to Infowars, Bill O’Reilly wasn’t fired from Fox, he was murdered by Hillary Clinton for telling the truth about her presidency. You guys, I can verify that Bill O’Reilly is alive. He left me a long voice-mail last night. It sounded like he was mixing custard while walking the stairs or something. Anyway, he sounded very relaxed by the end of the call.
From there, Bee described what the first few months of a female presidency would look like for the United Staes. Let’s just say Congress made it prettttty hard for Clinton to get stuff done:
A hundred days. We’re just three menstrual cycles into this presidency, but Washington feels different. Over half the president’s cabinet are women. While testifying so often to the House Ethics committee, they gave her a parking spot that launched an investigation into how she got her own parking spot. Ma’am, we’re under so many investigations, I’m starting to think that FBI really does stand for female body inspector. It must be tough being the most hated person in Washington and even tougher for Ted Cruz having to relinquish that title to someone else.
I don’t want to say Republicans were hostile during Hillary’s address to Congress, but she’s the first president who had to walk up to the lectern with her keys between her knuckles. Remember the good ole days when “communist” was the worst c-word people called the president? During President Clinton’s first 100 days in office, she’s focused on — well, you know, she’s gotten a lot done. Honestly, I don’t really know. It’s overly complicated and dull and I’m bored shitless. I almost feel like I’d rather have an idiot like Trump in charge just for the excitement.
As the segment explains, President Clinton’s first 100 days in office didn’t come without scandal, of course. People were shocked by the “giant bomb she dropped on Afghanistan” and her decision to reopen the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, while the American populace wasn’t too thrilled about ponying up $8,000 per year for Chelsea Clinton’s daily bicycle commute. Perhaps the worst offense of all, according to Bee: “She also raised eyebrows when [Chelsea] put her husband Marc Mezvinsky in charge of brokering peace in the Middle East. Ha, just kidding. That’s so stupid.”
Winding down her monologue, Bee became more impassioned about the idea of a woman in the White House. “In conclusion, our president, I want to say thank you. You may have your faults, but because of you, I can tell my daughters they can do anything and sexism won’t them back,” she said. “No hard feelings, men. If there’s one message that echoes from this dinner, let it be that women’s rights are human rights and human rights are men’s rights. Thank you. God bless. And don’t forget to tip your waiter, James Comey.”