The first trailer for Star Wars: Episode VIII—The Last Jedi has arrived! And it … doesn’t have a whole lot of information in it! We don’t learn about Rey’s parentage, who Laura Dern is playing, what Kylo Ren’s been up to, or who, exactly, the last Jedi are. Nevertheless, there are thrills and surprises to be found! Let’s breathe, just breathe, and break down 180 seconds of a movie everyone will be legally required to see in a few months.
Here’s the full trailer in case you missed it.
Got it? Let’s go.
If you have a bad Wi-Fi connection, it’s hard to see what’s going on here. And even if you do, you might think you’re looking at stars — y’know, the things that have wars in them? But no, be patient and you’ll see that it’s …
… some rocks! Who gives a crap, right? Well, what if I told you that those rocks …
… had a hand on them? It depends on whose hand, you say? Well, how about the hand of …
… Rey! Yes, that’s Daisy Ridley’s now-world-famous Strong Female Character, whom we last saw seeking training for her Force-tied abilities on …
… an island on Ahch-To, the planet that inspired the name of the hit 1991 U2 album. It’s where Luke Skywalker has been hanging out in self-imposed exile after his former student Ben Solo (now Kylo Ren) went evil and shook his faith in his abilities.
This shot is, of course, an homage to all the porch scenes in Big Little Lies. Fun fact: Real-estate prices on Ahch-To are crazy high.
Rey apparently used the Force and lifted some rocks. No word on whether she picked up a box or stood on her head, too.
Meanwhile, as Rey dicks around on Ahch-To, the adults have to deal with that whole star-war thing. This appears to be General Leia Organa, the erstwhile princess, who will appear in the film despite Carrie Fisher’s death. If you listen carefully, you can hear young Fisher say, “Help me, Obi-Wan.” (On a related note: There was a really nice tribute to Fisher at the Star Wars Celebration yesterday.)
This looks an awful lot like the smashed helmet of everyone’s favorite Space Emo, Kylo Ren. We hear another quiet bit of sound; this time, it’s Darth Vader’s breathing, followed by Alec Guinness as Obi-Wan Kenobi saying, “Seduced by the Dark Side,” which is a quote from Return of the Jedi. Suffice it to say that, if the Dark Side is a pickup artist, it was very successful in seducing Kylo.
Hey, it’s some books! And a very, very quiet audio cue of Yoda saying … something? Boy, I can’t seem to make it out. Probably “something something something Dark Side.” What could these tomes be about, and why is that light shining on their shelf? Could it be that someone’s trying to show Rey where the Ark of the Covenant is?
Nah, that shaft of light (not to be confused with a saber of light) is illuminating the insignia of the Jedi Order. Given all the dust, we can presume this is part of a scene where Rey is introduced to the ancient secrets of the Jedi. Here’s hoping we get some flashbacks to the days when lightsabers had battery packs!
Luke, showing off his bad posture, watches as Rey goes full Karate Kid back on Ahch-To.
Elsewhere, the Resistance (or perhaps its loose affiliate organization, the New Republic) goes into battle with some First Order walkers. One of the good guys’ ships has a bit of a rough go of it, but, unfazed, bounces back into the tussle. Could this be Oscar Isaac’s Poe Dameron?
We take a wide view of the sortie and see that the ships, for some damn reason, have little appendages that drag along the ground, and for some other damn reason, that dragging gives off a crimson dust. According to Entertainment Weekly, this planet is known as Crait, and it looks ever so arid. Is the Doof Warrior just out of the frame?
Poor Finn. John Boyega’s former Stormtrooper got messed up real bad at the end of The Force Awakens, and it looks like he’s still in recovery. Prayer hands emoji.
Poe springs into action during some sort of attack, as focused and sexy as ever. And hey, BB-8’s pretty hot, too, in a spherical way.
Ruh-roh! X-wing goes boom! Whadda we gonna do now?
Well, don’t worry — at least one spacefaring vessel is still operational. The fastest hunk of junk in the Galaxy, the Millennium Falcon, speeds through the air while TIE Fighters swarm at its head and tail.
Fun fact: Running with a lightsaber burns 20 percent more calories than running without one!
Can someone get Kylo into Space Weed so he can chill out for once?
*sniff sniff* What’s burning? Is it char-grilled aunt and uncle? Or maybe a destroyed Jedi Academy?
Gwendoline Christie’s Captain Phasma traipses with her troops, perhaps in the same flame-engulfed structure. Maybe it was a Resistance electronics convention?
Some more good-guy ships stand against First Order TIEs. They seem to be adopting a curious “don’t move at all” strategy — it doesn’t appear to be working too well for them.
Luckily, Poe (?) is there to rescue ’em.
“I only know one truth,” Luke says. What could that be? A Lannister always pays his debts? Don’t swim right after you eat? Let red wine breathe? That a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife? No, no: “It’s time for the Jedi to end.” And of course, if that happens, the current people who are Jedi would be, in theory, hypothetically, logically …
… los últimos Jedi. But who will they be? Call 1-800-STAR-WAR and vote now!