Well, here it is. The unveiling of the infamous and unfinished Chateau Sheree. This is the Wrestlemania of the Real Housewives world. The party had aerialists and three signature drinks named after shady comments about Chateau Sheree. A team of shirtless security and dozens of other various dubiously employed friends and confidantes of Sheree came together to put on the party of a lifetime. In the meantime, let’s check in on the other Housewives. Cynthia’s main story line this episode is that she wants to get koi. Cynthia. I don’t think you can put koi in a lake.
Kandi is dragging Riley to go have dinner with Block at a restaurant that looks to have a hibachi element, but they’re not sitting at the hibachi tables, which is foolish. Everyone knows that onion volcano brings people together. How can you be upset when your chef-tainer is making a beating heart of fried rice? Kandi is setting some ground rules for Riley hoping that she’ll at least try to talk to her dad. I know that teenagers are difficult but Riley is difficult. She tells her mom she ruined her favorite restaurant for her by making her have this dinner. Would she be saying that if she were sitting at a grill getting a shrimp flipped into her mouth? Block shows up and …. ugh, this guy. He tries to pretend that he had any kind of relationship with his daughter and when Riley pushes back, he calls her brainwashed. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, DUDE? That is some gaslight-y bullshit. Then Kandi and Block have a pretty rough argument in front of their child about … which of them is a good parent. Riley stands up for herself at the end of the dinner and tells her dad that she’s not brainwashed, she remembers things, and when he says, “Let’s hang out,” she goes “We’re hanging out right now.”
Johnnie and Phaedra go to meet with esteemed employment attorneys. They determined that his claim that he came up with the idea for Old Lady Gang is pretty flimsy, but he might have a case for some missing overtime pay. He claims while he was planning Kandi’s Coming to America–themed wedding, he had to work 16 hours a week to find enough feather girls. Phaedra said that she crunched some numbers and Johnnie was only working for bread crumbs and loose Skittles at the bottom of Kandi’s purse. Yeah, okay, this is definitely gonna hold up in court.
Sheree is meeting with her team for the last few days of preparations on Chateau Sheree and y’all … the appliances aren’t gonna make it. Sheree flips out and screeches, “You can fit these bitches’ whole houses in this and it wouldn’t look this good.” She ain’t wrong, but she also ain’t got a fridge in her whole house so it’s like half a dozen of one. Porsha and her sister do some reflecting as they visit their father’s grave, and it’s a sweet scene between two sisters. Porsha keeps saying “Baby Nup,” and I finally figured out what bothers me so much about the phrase. “Nup” is short for “nuptial.” What on Earth is a “baby nuptial agreement” for two people who aren’t planning on getting married? It makes me furious.
It’s time for the housewarming party! Bienvenue Chez Sheree! Porsha arrives with Todd and they’re starting their journey as a power couple who will leave a lasting legacy for their families … as what? What does Todd do? Does he do? Sheree’s house is pretty bomb — it’s all silvers and grays with lots of crystals and pillows. Sheree comes down the stairs in a bizarre gown-jumpsuit hybrid that looks like one of those dresses you get on Amazon from a third-party seller with like eight reviews. Phaedra arrives, and it’s a little icy between her and Kandi. Also between Kandi and Porsha. Who is Kandi friends with right now? When Phaedra finds out that Sherin woman was at the party last week, she just says it’s messy and wicked that Kandi and Todd invited her.
A bunch of Sheree’s various friends and other socialites arrive, and they all get flashbacks to clips of them from 2008 where everyone is wearing bootcut jeans and pointy-toed boots. Suddenly a sentient blonde wig rolls through the door. It’s the one and only Ms. Kim Zolciak-Biermann and her brick of a husband and sound a sick frog makes, Kroy. It seems like the dust has settled between Kim and some of the Housewives, but it doesn’t stay that way for long. Kenya decides to start roaming around looking for water damage and exposed drywall. She drags Kandi into the basement and notices that the basement is unfinished. QUEL HORREUR! Someone grabs Sheree and says, “These bitches in your Basement.” Classic.
Sheree drags them out and Kenya decides to start listing the similar fixtures and furniture. Kenya. Who cares? You just look petty as hell. Kim chimes in and asks why Kenya is being an asshole. Oh, Kim. She also says Kenya’s vagina is going to fall out of her dress and she can’t have a child or keep a man. Oh, Kim. (But she ain’t wrong.) Sheree takes her poof skirt off to reveal a jumpsuit, and that somehow diffuses the situation.
“No way some petty basement bitch is gonna ruin my night.” ICONIC. PUT IT ON A TOTE.
Phaedra and Kandi sit down to try to clear the air about this Sherin woman and the whole Johnnie thing. Phaedra doesn’t believe that Kandi didn’t invite Sherin and claims attorney-client privilege, but Johnnie is not her client. Peter and Cynthia talk because for some reason Cynthia wants to be friends with this person who hurt her and is an all-around garbage fire.
The party was a success, and we get glimpses into the lives of the Housewives now. Phaedra had her divorce settlement thrown out and she’s learning how to windsurf. Kandi got a writing credit on an Ed Sheeran song (that she had to sue to get) and she’s taking up mosaic-making. Porsha launched her own line of detox cleanses and published a book of haiku. Kenya has a new mystery man and adopted four rabbits. Sheree makes a speech to the crowd about how proud she is of herself, but people still don’t think she’s living at Chateau Sheree. Also, she’s learning how to reupholster vintage furniture. See you for the MULTIPART REUNION SPECIALS. I’m already winded.
