After the letdown of last week’s post-Hawaii episode, I was worried that our dearest Housewives was going to limp along to the finish. But with the positively bonkers reveal of Phaedra’s marital status and the long-awaited opening of OLG, this episode was a damn delight. The men were included in a way that didn’t feel like an afterthought and no obvious abuse was highlighted; that’s how low the bar is for this show and its relationship to the House Husbands, and how low the bar is for men in general. Let’s get to it.
We’re counting down to the opening of OLG. There’s just days left until the friends-and-family event. The way everyone is so dubious that the city’s permits will arrive in a timely fashion makes me think that the city doesn’t even know Kandi is building a restaurant. She’s in a residential zone and told them she was building a day care. None of those fryers are up to code. Kandi gets upset that Todd picked orange folding chairs for the outdoor space. Orange is not the accent color that she picked out. They’re also folding chairs. Who goes to a bar or a restaurant and expects to sit in a folding chair? Todd says that Kandi has been controlling throughout this process. Todd. We know. We have eyes and ears but … bruh … you haven’t exactly inspired a lot of confidence. Someone asked you to make a decision about the uniforms and you said to just “put it on your list.” How hard is it to say, “All black with a pop of color”?
Sheree stands outside her chateau instructing 14 separate construction crews on the proper way to plant a tree when Kenya rolls up in her white Mercedes. Kenya and Sheree gossip about the abusive men in their lives and declare that they’re gonna do it on their own. Sheree is getting ready for her housewarming after four looooong years and everything is going to be perfect. And according to her, in just a few days. Sure, Jan. Sheree gets back in the backhoe she was driving and continues to dig out the foundation. Todd picks Peter up from the airport so Peter can help celebrate the faux-pening of OLG. They get a call from Apollo who wants to send his new girlfriend to support the restaurant and says “Sometimes you gotta update.” Apollo, you are literally in prison. You of all people cannot be talking about an upgrade. I feel like every time they include the recorded message before Apollo’s call, it’s a little bit of shade. Apollo needs to remember where he is.
Apollo tells Todd and Peter that Phaedra put a hold on the divorce proceedings and maybe she never loved him at all. He keeps saying the court keeps trying to rule in her favor, and sir, you are in prison. Peter calls Phaedra a “con artist” and I’m not mad at that. She’s hiding some secrets somewhere, and I’m ready for them to be revealed. Cynthia and Peter finalized their divorce and Cynthia is relaxing at home with Noelle while Peter is being driven around Atlanta so he can look at his old house. I can’t with these two sad children.
Kandi and Todd are still bickering over Todd dragging his feet to have OLG ready. Kandi asks him how overbudget they are, and Todd says they’re about $100,000 overbudget. I would have run Todd out of town if he was $100,000 overbudget. He realizes that OLG is his only job, right? His boss is his damn wife. If you mess up this job, you mess up your whole damn life, but Kandi seems to just shrug when Todd says they’re one hundred thousand dollars over budget. Guys, how rich is Kandi?
Sheree is packing up her condo to get into Chateau Sheree, and her children are no use to her, but she uses the Chateau to teach her daughter a lesson about independence. I’m kinda here for Sheree as a mother. She seems to genuinely enjoy her kids and cares deeply about them.
The clock is counting down to the faux-pening of OLG. Todd is scrambling around hanging pictures, and the cleaning crew is still there spilling water and breaking glasses. The moment has arrived, and Kandi arrives to give her final approval and she sings a beautiful note to mark her satisfaction. The aunts show up and they get to drink drinks named after them, and that’s everyone’s dream, right? Cynthia, Sheree, Kenya, and various friends show up and eat fried green tomatoes. Mama Joyce finally rolls up 90 minutes after the start of the party in the wrong outfit. The titular old ladies were supposed to wear black pants and white shirts and Mama Joyce is in some Carrie Bradshaw cosplay. The party moves downstairs where Kandi serenades the party.
Meanwhile, Phaedra shows up to Porsha’s house for her birthday party. Phaedra wants to skip the faux-pening and Porsha … um … wasn’t invited. Porsha has laid out a feast for Phaedra and a bottle of her favorite liqueur: St. Germain. I never would have guessed that Phaedra and my older brother have the same turn-up juice, but here we are, America. Phaedra and Porsha try on Porsha’s wigs so Phaedra can get a new look for her new singledom.
Back at OLG, Apollo’s lil girlfriend, Sherin, shows up. She’s got some shady answer for every question that gets asked of her. “How did you meet?” “We fell in love, let’s just say that.” Bitch, that is not an answer. “Were you more than friends before or after Apollo went to jail?” “Phaedra never visits him.” You gave an answer to a question no one asked. Why can’t she just provide some factual information? She gets a call from Apollo when she’s sitting down with the Housewives, and Apollo drops the bomb that their divorce isn’t finalized. The ladies react the same way I did when the twist in Shutter Island was revealed. Kandi just lets Apollo know that the whole thing feels messy: Sherin and her non-answers, Apollo’s insistence that they’re still married — it’s all a mess, and Kandi wants no part of it. No one even invited Sherin! Sherin flits out of the restaurant in her knockoff Balmain jacket, and the Housewives lean in and decide that Phaedra is full of shit.
I can’t wait for this finale. It’s all about to come crumbling down.