They Can’t All Be Spider-Man: Your Handy Guide to B-Level Super-Powered Folk, by Kit Lively

The Stupendous Bee Woman. College student Sheila Sherwood is stung by a bee that had been exposed to mysterious rays of ultra-dimensional energy. Realizing that she now has incredible bee powers, she decides to devote her life to fighting crime as The Stupendous Bee Woman! Sadly, after stinging only one evildoer, she died immediately.

Dutch Oven. Dutch scientist Milan Aalders craved a taste of the good life enjoyed by Iron Man, and so designed a similar suit for himself. A pretty dumb guy for a scientist, Milan’s designs were poorly planned, and he ended up trapped within the suit. Prone to claustrophobia, as well as being quite a gassy fellow, Milan soon went insane and now roams the Netherlands as the villainous Dutch Oven.

Andrew Clifton, Masked Vigilante. When Andrew Clifton’s entire family was taken from him in a fluke road-tarring accident, he blamed the criminal underworld and took to the streets to battle injustice. Unfortunately, he neglected to choose a clever superhero moniker, instead dubbing himself “Andrew Clifton, Masked Vigilante.” In a matter of hours, he was found in his home and gruesomely dispatched by evildoers.

Klandroid. Ferguson, Missouri police officer Edward “Ed” Eddy is killed in the line of duty, and in the spirit of Robocop, is brought back to life in order to fight crime as a half-man/half-machine juggernaut. Er…let’s just say that things don’t go according to plan, and leave it at that.

The Dung Beetle. Sandwich shop owner Lyle Lackley has trouble controlling his bowels, and is constantly soiling himself. Embarrassed and in denial about what is obviously a very unfortunate medical condition, Lyle convinces himself that these are instead super-powers, and that he is The Dung Beetle, defender of the helpless and downtrodden. His dwindling friends and family have made several attempts to convince him to get the help that he needs, but so far their efforts have been in vain.

Tea Party Girl. Aware that Captain America will have nothing to do with their backward political leanings, the leaders of The Tea Party realize that they need their own champion. Developing a super-soldier serum that increases strength and stamina, but dramatically decreases the IQ of the user, they set out to find their hero. Applying the drug (as no one would volunteer for the process) to the drink of local party girl Lisa Ludwig, they soon have their own Tea Party Girl, using brute force and ignorance to further their moronic, harmful ideals.

The Human Centipede. A genuinely great superhero, compassionate, heroic, and with an impressive array of centipede-based powers. Sadly, his superhero name’s similarity to a really gross movie franchise soon had him laughed out of town by an unsympathetic citizenry. 

Kit Lively’s allegedly humorous writings and cartoons have been published by MAD, National Lampoon, Playboy, American Bystander, SpongeBob Comics, and many other places. His cartoon collection, Dammit! I Swallowed Another One! was called “The Far Side’s Dark Side” by Ain’t It Cool News, and a “damned fine drink coaster” by one of the guys who fixed his a/c last summer. His ability to both be lactose intolerant but still smell vaguely of cheese has made him a regular fixture on the amateur yodeling circuit for years.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each Monday. To submit your work for consideration, send it here.

They Can’t All Be Spider-Man: Your Handy Guide to […]