How is it possible that Snoop Dogg hasn’t appeared on this show before? Is it possible that Snoop Dogg doesn’t know that there’s a show called Empire and legitimately believed he was in a business deal with Lucious Lyon? I think so and I hope so. The episode opens with Lucious and Jamal in their separate studios working on their questionable masterpieces. Both of them hate what they’re working on, so Cookie decides to get some inspiration to help Jamal while Lucious kicks all of Snoop Dogg’s friends out of the studio for eating his food and that was the break into the opening credits! No joke. No big reveal. No plot to speak of. Empire, I’m going to need you to follow some basic screenwriting tenets for me.
Cookie runs into Lucious while she is fetching records for inspiration and decides to tell him the big news about her and Angelo’s breakup, but before she can tell him the (awful, life-ruining) reason, Nia Long slinks in to call Lucious “Darling” and get him back into the studio. Snoop Dogg isn’t quite so ready to invest in Inferno Vegas and Lucious tells him black people spend a lot of money in Vegas so it only makes sense. Snoop is only willing to invest if Jamal is part of Inferno the album. There’s gotta be another word Lucious can use for his creative projects.
Cookie shows up to the laundromat where Andre is hiding out, plotting a hit on his father. He doesn’t have access to some nonpublic place to have everyone load way too many guns? Cookie doesn’t think it’s such a smart idea to start a war with Lucious and she also diffuses the situation by being best friends with everyone Andre hired to murder his father. She invites them all to her house for “a comfort meal.” Who wrote this?
Hakeem is walking with Lucious and he says he’s ready to finally have his name listed on Bella’s birth certificate. Okay. How would this work? Suddenly, he’s supposed to claim his half-sister as his daughter and everyone — and by everyone I mean society — will be okay with that? The associated scandal wouldn’t destroy everyone’s careers and possibly reopen cases against the Lyonses? Oh, it does? I can’t wait. When Hakeem and Lucious arrive at Leviticus, the whole place is being emptied out by the fire marshall. Apparently the fire alarm went off and well, well, well, Angelo and his nerds are sitting in the VIP section and smoking cigars. That’s pretty fun. Cookie tells Lucious he shouldn’t do anything to make things worse, so maybe they should fix it. Lucious and Cookie. Maybe they can, like, go get ice cream after and talk about their feelings, too. Whatever, NBD. Lucious is leaving a trail of heartbroken women behind him because Boo Boo Kitty is staying in a hotel since Nia Long has come into the picture.
Hakeems spends 90 percent of the episode on whatever generic version of Instagram Stories exists in this world and the other 10 percent watching Tiana and Tori make out in a hot tub. When did Tiana become involved with Tori? When did this happen? They look VERY into each other and very happy to have threesomes on demand with Hakeem. Who was asking for this development? Where is Eva Longoria?
Cookie holds her comfort-food meeting with Xzibit and her big plan is just to let Lucious go set up in Vegas and take everything from him while his back is turned and he’s distracted with Nia Long. Of all the plans on this show, it’s the least violent and therefore most plausible. Meanwhile, Lucious is meeting with Snoop Dogg in a scene where he says, “It’s official like a referee’s whistle,” which made my boyfriend leave the room. Apparently, Snoop’s financial adviser, Ezekiel DuBois, thinks the deal is a bad idea. Lucious rushes to see Cookie to tell her he’s going to mess Angelo up.
Cookie tries to patch things up with Angelo and offers to make a public statement or throw a fundraiser. Angelo says that she destroyed generations of hard work to put him where he is today. I’m not trying to hate, but you don’t seem to have all that much going on for you, Angelo. Phylicia Rashad comes up and pulls Cookie off Angelo. She warns Cookie that when her family decides to go after someone, Phylicia Rashad will burn everything to the ground. Cookie calls a family meeting to decide what to do about the DuBoises. Jamal decides that he’s going to be the peacemaker in the family and try to make amends. Then Cookie calls her a “fake-ass Claire Huxtable” in a line that truly breaks all logic and sanity left in the show. Jamal manages to make up with Angelo using a $5 million check.
Later, Jamal is in the studio and he just can’t get the final song right. Cookie gives him a pep talk and takes him to hear Lucious’s beat. He sneaks into Lucious’s studio while Lucious is working with America’s pitchiest singer and whisper sings over everything and Lucious is stunned. They decide to collaborate on this song to make Snoop Dogg happy and it’s going on both albums and they’re going to perform together in Vegas. It’s the song that might solve all the world’s problems. (It’s okay.)
Finally, the whole Lyon family sits down for a dinner to wrap up all those loose threads with some papers ex machina from Lucious’s desk. He puts Hakeem on Bella’s birth certificate because he saw his Snapchats, then he serves Boo Boo Kitty divorce papers in return for all of her hard work. Suddenly, Child and Family Services are at the door to take Bella away. One lady in a pantsuit and an actual SWAT team are there. It is the most excessive way to remove a child from a home and it’s utterly unreasonable. Where is Eva Longoria?!