In a dark room on a darker night, our beloved heroine Rachel closes the door behind her. In the shadows, there’s the creak of leather against leather. A glow in the darkness, the lit end of a cigar. Once Rachel’s eyes adjust to the darkness, she can finally see who summoned her to this ominous room. It’s the beautiful ABC executive. Rachel hasn’t had to deal with her so far, but now, the ABC executive has something to ask her.
“I’ve done everything you’ve wanted so far. Whaboom. That bitch with the scrunchie. Tickle Monster is still here! What more could you ask of me?!” Rachel pleads.
“You know what I want.”
“I’m not —”
“I’m not interested in what you’re not going to do.”
Rachel looks around. The door that was once there seems to have vanished. She reaches her hand out. The wall was closer to her … wasn’t it?
“You’re going to go to the Sonesta Resort in Hilton Head Island and you’re going to have an amazing time.”
“That’s not it. I know I’m going to have an amazing time at Hilton Head Island. There are 12 miles of scenic beaches and everything you could want for a relaxing getaway.”
“You’re learning well. But no, I need you to keep Lee around for one more week … or we’ll bring Whaboom back!”
Rachel feels one tear roll down her face and she knows her fate is sealed.
THAT’S WHAT MUST HAVE HAPPENED, RIGHT? THERE’S NO OTHER EXPLANATION!
I need to figure out how to get those lil’ emoji hands on the page because I need to ask WHY [hands] IS [hands] LEE [hands] STILL [hands] HERE [hands]?!?!
There’s no reason for this. Every week, he decides to gaslight another black man and now he’s going around laughing that he’s going to break Kenny down. This is inappropriate and I’m no longer having fun. Lee starts this episode off by asking to steal Rachel away. When Kenny stands his ground and says he wants another minute, Lee sets an egg timer and drunkenly ambles around Kenny and Rachel. Kenny makes the mistake of thinking he can talk some sense into Lee, so he takes him aside to let him know that he doesn’t appreciate what he’s doing. Lee also gives Rachel a piece of wood he’s carved “enchanting” into with some weird old racist grandfather knife.
Oh, c’mon, it’s not like grandsons are more racist than their grandfathers. That’s not how that works. Lee is probably the least racist person in his family. THINK ABOUT THAT.
Rachel hears some of the drama unfolding as she’s trying to connect with some of the other guys and she’s sick of it. She has a tearful moment during the cocktail party and says that we’re going to be disappointed in what she’s going to do. That there’s pressure on her from all sides. Now, I know that pressure was asking her to keep Lee for another week. She doesn’t like him, right? Is she gonna hang that lil’ piece of wood over her bed? No. It looks like something you’d find in the woods in a horror movie and if you read the word aloud, you’ll be haunted by an old Confederate general.
What does Lee want from all of this, anyway? If he thinks feminists are ugly and Black Lives Matter is a terrorist group, what is his endgame here? Because the end of this game is marrying Rachel. I’m not going to be witness to some speech about how Rachel is “one of the good ones.”
The best part of all this gossip is Dean in the moment interviews. Well, his interviews and when he’s on the couch with two other guys trying to pronounce quirks. And how it differs from corks and quarks. Dean says, “The only people Lee has been picking fights with have been people he doesn’t see on a regular basis from a … cultural perspective” and he tells the producer, “You know exactly what that means.” Also, Dean calls Lee “…kind of a bitch.”
Also, did everyone see Alex’s purple zebra suit?
Time for the rose ceremony. Will, Dean, Jonathan, Peter, Adam, Bryan, Matt, Jack, Josiah, Iggy, Kenny, and … Lee all get roses. I’m so glad ABC made a GIF of Kenny’s face when Lee gets a rose. Everyone at home gently rubbed the lips on the Diggy posters in their lockers.
It’s time to head to Hilton Head Island and Dean gets the first date card of the week. He drives out with Rachel into an empty field and she conveniently tells a story about how she used to be obsessed with blimps as a kid and called them “bimps” when a blimp descends from the sky and opens up for Rachel and Dean to step inside.
Here’s the thing about great first dates, on this show and in life: When they’re good, they’re just good. Nothing too crazy or wild happens. They don’t make for remarkable stories. Dean opens up about his mother’s death and tells Rachel that she’s the only person he’s opened up to about it and it’s a genuinely touching moment. Guys, I think I like Dean. He’s a pretty cute lil’ dude.
Back at the resort, the guys are coming up with a list of reasons why Dean is a JERK. He’s too lil’! He’s too cute! His dimples are so adorable it’s annoying! When suddenly the next date card arrives, like 90 dudes are on this boat date. I think they added some random guys to this one. There are entirely too many. Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will, and Josiah are on the boat. Jack celebrates that he gets the one-on-one date and Lee says that one-on-one dates are a lot of pressure. Man, shut the hell up.
The contesticles ride around on a boat with Rachel. She demands they all take their shirts off and have a dance contest and freestyle rap. PETER of all people decides to rap. I wrote in my notes, “What beat is he on, what beat is Peter on.” The boat drops them off at a spelling bee. Um … sure. Everyone keeps talking about how this is proof of their intellect.
What word was Eric trying to spell as P-H-Y-S-C-D-E?
Josiah wins the spelling bee. He, along with his ankle-length Old Navy Pixie Pants, is presented with a gold trophy that he makes out with and fills with a cocktail. Guys, I think I love Josiah. At the cocktail party, Rachel and Peter talk about if he’s willing to move and Rachel says that she’s licensed to practice in Wisconsin. She’s all in, guys. And Bryan told her that she was his future earlier? These guys are not messing around.
Somehow, Iggy thinks it’s a great idea to invent another conflict in the house. This time with Josiah. I have a theory that Iggy only became hot like a year ago, and up until then the only way he could get some action was to ingratiate himself as part of a woman’s friend group and then gossip about the other guys she was interested in. Iggy also thinks if he tells the other contesticle whom he was gossiping about that he gossiped about him then it’s more noble.
Also, let’s continue to keep calling what these guys are doing GOSSIP because they’re gossipy little dunces.
Iggy can’t name one example of Josiah being two-faced and Lee decides to just continue the gossip and volunteers to Rachel that Kenny is aggressive.
ARE [hands] YOU [hands] SERIOUS [hands] RIGHT [hands] NOW [hands]?!?!
Lee says he’s going to find joy in smiling while he watches Kenny’s world crumble. This is unfair to Kenny. You can tell he’s trying really hard to present every side of himself and not be a stereotype, so to be labelled “aggressive” by Lee is a slap in the face. I’ve been in that exact same situation. Every black person has been in this situation and it’s awful. I had a level of stress and tension watching this episode that I do not wish on anyone. Kenny decides that all this effort trying to talk to Rachel would instead be best spent trying to reason with Lee.
Oh. Oh, my dear, sweet Kenny. I want better for you. Also, please stop rapping so much.