My grandfather has gotten to that point where he knows he is not going to live forever. In most people’s cases, this is a time to revisit your will, or spend time with your loved ones. In my grandfather’s case, this is a time to get really, really invested in my sex life. I guess he thinks I can only be happy if I have a man, and if that man is Jewish. My parents told me I can get Grandpa off my back by just pretending that I’m dating a Jewish guy. So here goes.
My imaginary boyfriend’s name is Josh. He makes his own yarmulkes out of beets and matzoh. His head smells funny. Josh smells like beets and cheese (more on the cheese later). Grandpa will LOVE Josh.
Josh owns a farm, but it’s, like, a super Jewish farm. The animals also have smelly yarmulkes. Josh has more sheep than he does teeth. Also he enjoys milking his sheep a little too much. That’s okay, though, because he’s Jewish. And Jewish guys can’t be creepy. If I brought home the Son of Sam, Grandpa would be so happy. (The Son of Sam’s real name was David Berkowitz.) Josh only uses lambskin condoms. Also he names them after the lambs he slaughtered to make the condoms.
In addition to the beets, Josh smells like cheese, but it’s okay, because he eats a lot of cheese. Josh makes his own cheese from sheep’s milk and brings it to restaurants. A guy who brings his own cheese to restaurants is pretty much every girl’s dream, right? Josh has a very sensitive stomach and he can only eat his own special cheese. I’m not allowed to touch Josh’s cheese.
Josh hates me and my dreams. He wants 1,000 babies and he wants me to give birth to them all, which will fulfill me, right Grandpa? And Josh protects me, just like Grandpa thinks I need him to! He keeps a bris knife under his pillow. Josh refuses to drink water. Josh only drinks Manischewitz. He for sure has diabetes. That wine is all sugar.
So there we go! That’s my imaginary boyfriend Josh! Hope you love him, Grandpa! Just kidding, I know you will.
Hana Michels has written for McSweeney’s, Reductress, Paste, and The Hard Times. She is currently working on a book for The Devastator and co-hosts The Hard Times Live at Nerdmelt.
